“You’re new here, aren’t you?”
I could barely hear her voice over the sound of the crashing waves. It was chirpy though, like a soft tune weaving its way into my ears. Do tunes do that? Weave? I’m not very good with similes. More of a metaphor man myself. You should simile more, my mother would say. She didn’t really. That’s a joke. I do those too.
“Don’t answer that, I know you’re new.”
My memory was a barren wasteland. That’s a metaphor right there. Means I couldn’t remember much. Couldn’t feel much either, truth be told. Had a hard time opening my eyes too.
“Just hang tight, I’ll get you sorted in a jiffy.”
I could sort of feel her touch on my skin, but it was like a thin layer of even more skin was between her and the real me. Was I naked? How awkward, I kept thinking. I have this birthmark, you see, that, if you look at it from just the right angle, kind of resembles a Jesus Toast.
“There we are. Jeez, you’re a heavy one. It’s a bit cramped, but it’s a short journey, promise. Gotta watch out for those holes though. Old man Paulsen has been meaning to fix them for years, but you know how it is. Never enough time.”
We’re moving now, my limp and unresponsive body tossing and turning every which way. I’m secured to a rough surface. Metal? Wheelbarrow? But I can feel something else. Someone else.
“Hello there, Sonja. Found another one?”
“Hiya, Gunnar! Two in fact.”
“Is that Leif?”
“Sure is.”
“Oh well, you’ll sort it out, I’m sure of it. Have a fine morning, Sonja.”
“You too, Gunnar.”
Who was that? I kept thinking. His voice was interesting, terrifying; a low feral growl seemingly coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. Carried somehow by the wind maybe, like a seagull sailing gently from one spot to the next? There I go with the similes again. Really not my strong suit.
“Oh, that? That’s Gunnar. You’ll always find him wandering this road. On some days, you’ll meet him twice within minutes. He’ll never remember the first time though. Poor Gunnar. I guess some just can’t handle it, you know? It’s like they split into two. And not just their personality either. More like the idea of them.”
That’s strange. I’m fairly sure I didn’t actually vocalize my thoughts. Don’t see how I could have, my mouth, tongue - vocal cords too I suppose - unmoving and unmovable. Who is this Leif, though? Why is there a Leif now?
“Leif? He’s a regular you could say. Washes up on our shore every other day. It happens from time to time, especially with the new ones. They just forget what they are is all. They’ll snap out of it eventually though. We always circle back. Just like the Valknut, we cannot escape ourselves.”
Her words make little to no sense to me, but I’m starting to get a very bad feeling about this place. My mother always told me I was a bit slow, but sheesh mom, you could’ve prepared me for just how slow I was. I’m sorry, I think, is this Leif the someone I felt briefly beside me a little while ago?
“Yeah, he’s sitting right next to you. Enjoying the ride, old Leif is. I’ll take him to the Caves too, but what he really needs is a good night's sleep.”
I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time keeping up with you there, Sonja, on account of being totally limp, fearing for my very existence, and more than likely seriously injured. Where are you taking me?
“The Caves? They run like looping veins under our island. It is said there once was a great civilization down there; a magnificent underground empire that never once saw the sun. Some claim that’s where the Boy came from. That he’s the last remnant of an ancient species, far removed from us. Gods, maybe? I’m no theologian. I just like the stories.”
I’m trying my best to piece together what appears to be an impossible jigsaw puzzle, but I’m too wrapped up in my own fear to think straight. Gods? What Gods? Boy? What boy?
“He doesn’t really have a name. He’s Valknut. Perpetual. You’ll meet him soon enough. It’s a part of the ritual.”
I can feel my adrenaline levels rising, although I can’t really be sure, since I can’t actually trust what I’m feeling. But I do trust the fear. The all-consuming dread. Hard to miss that, because you’re kinda hard-wired to let it take total control. You’re about to sacrifice me, aren’t you? Some kind of heathen ritual, like a blood eagle or something?
“No, nothing like that. In fact, look; we're here now. Down there, see? You can’t see yet, of course, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. It’s a bumpy ride, so hang tight.”
Hang tight? What is that, a joke? Are you making light of the insufferable plight of my situation?
“I know, I know; you can’t move a muscle. Just a figure of speech. Jeez...”
She didn’t lie. For every minute we’ve been moving, I’ve felt a numbness return to my extremities; and now that we’re being thrown sideways, I can feel every muscle aching, like being prodded continuously with sharpened, somehow solid, leeches.
“We sorta lost Leif back there, but don’t you worry, he’ll make it back OK. I’m gonna try to lay you down next to the Stone now, so you’ll feel some manner of discomfort.”
The Stone? I think. What the hell is the Stone?
“It’s where he prefers to feed. The Boy. We don’t really know why. No one does. One of the many things lost in time. That’s why we’re here, Erik. We can’t lose more time.”
She wasn’t kidding. I feel a sudden rush of extreme discomfort, bordering on pins-directly-in-nerves amounts of pain. My system is rebooting, I figure - muscles and cells interacting again, only to be slapped back into oblivion by the intolerable unjustness of our situation. But that’s not all. There’s something else.
“This will hurt like nothing you’ve ever experienced, but it can’t be helped. I’m cutting you open now. From throat to groin, as is our way. Lift out the organs, one by one, slowly, carefully. Place them upon the Stone.”
If I wasn’t already blind, I’d describe it as blinding pain. Have you ever been cut open, throat to groin? Figured not. I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s a strange sensation, feeling your own organs removed from your still inexplicably living being. It’s ungodly. Blasphemous. The total and complete disrespect for the sanctity of life. I still have dreams about it. Nightmares. Endless waves of unimaginable torment, and the vivid, violent image of the Boy.
“Here he comes. Isn’t he beautiful? He can’t move past this point, you see. His heart is stuck down there in the caves. It grew too big. Too big, and too black. He drags it with him wherever he goes, and sometimes at night, if you listen real closely - and if you’re very lucky - you can hear it beating underneath. It’s a sign of good luck, Erik. Pray that you’ll hear it one day.”
I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him. You know the sound of a wet mop on a cold floor? All sloshy and moist? Like that, only from something living. He crawled I suppose, although I can never be sure. Not yet, anyway. Hoarse, gargled breath, and a high-pitched croak.
“Thus we help him feed. That’s where you come in. But worry you not, dead one. You will be rewarded for your sacrifice. Tomorrow, or the day after, you will wash up on the shore again.”
I know it is impossible. I know it couldn’t have happened. But it did. Every nanosecond was like an eternity. Every bite that being took from my now removed organs, I could feel like they were still attached to me; like that thing was inside me, nibbling on flesh, drooling on tissue.
“And just like Leif up there, you will forget what you are. Hollow, empty, a soulless husk. But alive nevertheless. I’ll be there to guide you. This is my promise. This is my duty. So until then, remember, we are as we are, cyclical, never-ending. Just like the Valknut.”
And when the Boy had finished his meal - when every last flesh-crumb of me was consumed - I felt my mind detach, spiralling then like a drunken tornado. I’m not very good with similes, but there’s no metaphor for this. There’s no way to explain any of it. My mind went blank, and I fell into a deep nightmare, the only comfort being the promise of my own imminent demise.
And then I was on the beach again. Wet, naked, battered, and bruised. Hollow. So, so unimagineably hollow. But I could move. And I could see.
“Ah, there you are Erik,” Sonja said. “So good to see you again.”
“Who are you?” I asked.

If you want to listen rather than read this post I've made a video covering the same topic, although it is more generalised
Hello there, as you may well know usually the start of the year signals a lot of changes to siege. Whilst I’m not here to talk about what to specifically improve or even talk about a specific game mechanics. I’m here to talk about what mental state you should be in, to improve. Please note that I’m not a pro either in the R6 or medical industry, this is based on my own experiences and a little bit of research, read it and form your own opinions.
So, are you Iron, Copper, Bronze, Silver or Gold? (or you’ve seen a drop in performance and just don’t know why) Chances are one of three things may be affecting you, either, you’re not trying grasping the fundamentals, you’re not challenging yourself and/or you’re letting your pride and ego get in the way. If you’ve realised you’re one or more of these things then you’ve already taken the first step to improve, by clicking on this video you’re realising and accepting that you as a player need to improve, This is good, as it shows that you’re passionate enough to want to be better, that you can see past your pride and most importantly...
It Shows you have potential
So, now what? You’re obviously not going to magically improve now that you’ve figured out that you need to improve and do note that each person has to approach this in their own way, there is no one plan fits all, however, here are some tips to help get you started and maybe give you some direction on what and how to improve. This will be one of a series of posts I will do on mental health in competitive games (such as r6)

Tip 1 - Get the fundamentals

In my experience of playing a variety of competitive games is that a lot of people “just play” what I mean by this is that they play loads of games almost to the point of mindlessness hoping that it’ll just click and they’ll improve and for a small minority this happens which is good for them but this won’t happen for the majority, the majority of people need to have a plan in mind for each game, furthermore, they need a plan on what to improve, how, where and when. What’s worse is that whilst many people think they have a plan or they have a vague sense of what they need to improve but then they either don’t know how to improve that area, don’t have consistent meaningful practice in that area or their assessment of their skill is completely wrong, often overcomplicating what they need to do to improve.
This is mainly because a lot of the big YouTubers and Streamers either have clickbait which is there to entertain rather than teach (videos such as “TOP 10 BEST TRICKS FOR YEAR 5” or “OMFG THIS GUN IS BROKEN, NEW STRATEGY?!?!?!”) or videos which are labelled as a guide are either too brief and only give a surface level on what to do but not how to do it or too complex by attempting to teach some abstract high-level technique without explicitly informing the viewer that they need to have fundamentals on top of what they’re showing because they assume (even if subconsciously) that most people are near or at their level in. Whilst watching gameplay videos offer a base level of understanding what’s shown is nowhere near the full picture and you have to understand that videos and live streams (even mine) don’t make you improve via osmosis, at least not well enough. You have to delve deeper into what YOU need to improve not what everyone needs to understand.
So, how do you establish trying to grasp fundamentals? Well simply identifying them is a good start. This could mean, knowing what the spray pattern of a gun is, knowing what good angles are, or simply understanding a map layout. These might all seem simple but this is why they are fundamentals and you’d be surprised how many people forget them, don’t execute them well or don’t even know them to begin with. Not to mention that there are many, many other areas that I cannot begin to comprehend for every map, operator and scenario out there.
But what if you know all the fundamentals, but can’t do them well enough. Chances are either you haven’t meaningfully practised enough in that area OR something somewhere is going wrong in which case there are three steps to take, first try to find where you’re going wrong yourself sometimes it’s simple mistakes that pile up over time, other times it’s a grave error, either way, spotting your own mistakes is a great way both in time and effort to improve, see what you did wrong, don’t do it again, it’s that simple. If you can’t spot where you’re going wrong, don’t worry. Grab a friend and review the vod or replay with him/her ideally, a friend who is 1 maybe 2 tiers higher, it doesn’t matter if they specialise in a different area of the game as fundamentals are in(or should be) in every niche area of the game, think of it as proofreading your work and keep an open mind to criticism, note down what needs improving and apply it in your next matches or a practice tool if you’re not confident enough yet. If you don’t have a friend or you’re still not seeing results, get a coach, you don’t have to pay for one, there are many people out there who are willing to help out players who are struggling. Do the same as you did with your friend (or what you would do if you didn’t get anyone) and remember to keep an open mind, Given that they are practically a stranger to you they are likely to be a little harsher in the way that you play, This is a good thing, embrace that criticism and if you don’t understand what they’re talking about asking them if they can show you an example or to go through a match in real-time is a good way to understand and apply and therefore improve. Do keep in mind that you may not want a super high elo coach, as often they might not be free and some of the information may be too high brow. Remember these are fundamentals you’re trying to get down not every niche hard-to-execute techniques, don’t run before you can walk or you’ll end up tripping over.

Tip 2 - Don’t blame or compare yourself to your teammates

This I think is the most important tip, as, in my experience, this the most common mistake, almost every game I play or even watch in ranked I see at least one person having some sort of mental breakdown because either they made a mistake and they’re projecting their failures onto others, they see a small mistake or slight misfortune from a teammate and fly off the handle thinking that they can’t do anything, they’re tilted from a previous match and want to take it out on someone or they have real-life stresses that they’re unable to deal with at the moment so they get rid of that pent up stress through the game (a good example is a very particular disease that’s sweeping the world right now that I cannot say the name of)
These people are part of the challenge of competitive games when I think about makes up a players skill overall it’s usually 2-10% is “the meta” 45-49% is the mechanical skill and strategic knowledge and the rest is your own mental and whilst you can’t avoid them altogether (and whilst I hope there will come a time where these sort of people are few and far between) there are a few ways to deal with these people and a few ways to stop yourself from being this sort of person (you know who you are).
First off if you’re on the receiving end of this sort of blame, chances are they’re not going to listen to you. The single best way to not be affected by this is to simply mute them and focus on your gameplay if you feel that they’re being particularly toxic throw in a report at the end of the game, odds are they’ve been digging their grave as they are hurling insults at the brick wall known as your mute button and this will hopefully cause them to go on a small vacation to simmer down. If you ABSOLUTELY have to respond to them (you know when you get that feeling that what they claim is completely wrong, we all get that from time to time) just briefly explain what happened in about 10 words or less and move on and try to keep it as neutral in tone as possible don’t stoop down to their level even if you get slightly tilted, it’s just not worth the hassle if they keep blaming you after the fact mute them.
If you find that one of your teammates is getting the blame from another, don’t confront the one pinning the blame, that will only cause more tilt and perhaps shift the blame(focus) onto you, what you should do instead is encourage the teammate getting the blame. Stuff like “Don’t worry we’ll get them in the next round” or “Everyone makes mistakes it’s ok, let’s keep going” if you really can’t push yourself to say outwardly positive things because “it’s cringe” (don’t worry I get you) make it more neutral with “It’s fine, dw”. Encouraging your teammates gives a morale boost whilst taking power away from the person shifting the blame, once the majority think it’s ok chances are it is indeed ok. Afterall low elos can make mistakes all the time and still win, so it’s ok if people slip up from time to time. If they keep doing the blame game or shift the blame to you for the simple act of talking, mute the blamer and hope that your teammate does too. /*
Lastly, if you are the one who has this sort of habit… (and you know who you are)
simply not saying a word is sometimes better than expressing your annoyance at a play, the person who made that mistake, most of the time, will know that they made that mistake, maybe not how they made it but that they did. That’s a lesson for them to learn not for you to teach, especially not in-game. Again, if you HAVE to say something try to put it in a more positive like BUT don’t tell them what to do, good examples are “Nice try”, “NT” or “Close” (only use the last one if it was indeed close) Keeping morale up will decrease the likelihood of more mistakes occurring, if you think the mistake is that bad and you still HAVE to say something at least keep it neutral “unlucky” and “that’s unfortunate” are phrases that should come to mind. Think about it, saying “what are you doing?” or “how are you so bad?” is only confrontational and will only lead to more tilt and more mistakes that you didn’t want to see in the first place, Everyone, including you, your teammates and the enemy team are human, to human is to err, we all make mistakes from time to time.

Tip 3 - Take Care of yourself

I know this might sound silly but indulge me here, I might sound like your parent right now but stop reading this post for a few minutes and go do something that’ll make you feel better, take a shower, eat some nice food, take a walk, talk to your family, send a meme to a friend, if you have no motivation to do any of these things at least have a stretch and take some deep breaths…
You’re back? How do you feel compared to a few minutes ago? Better? If so, try incorporating that into your ranked sessions. Usually, I do 2-3 matches (depending on how well I’ve done) then I take a mini-break either by having a little walk, getting a snack or talking with my family, doing so resets your mind if you’re having some bad games and stops you from getting fatigued if you’re having good games (which allows you to keep up your win streak if you have one) but remember this chances from person to person, some will split breaks between every match, others may go on for 4 or 5 then take a break, some will go to the gym, others will look up meme videos on youtube, it’s up to you to decide what is best and most comfortable for your routine.
These are short term solutions. We can take this further and think about the long term, Are you getting enough sleep? Are you staying clean? Are you getting any exercise? If you’re lacking in any of these things, it will catch up to you and it’ll affect how you feel physically, which will affect how you feel mentally, which ultimately will affect your performance. If you’re low elo, I am 99.9% sure you’re not playing your game as your job, even if you want to in the future. Put your life and your self-care first then see about trying to rank up. Keeping your mind and body in check will allow you to feel better going into games, to perform better in-game and to help recover better and keep going in case things go wrong.
One last note to the people who play day in day out, sometimes the way you need to rank up is to not play, it may seem counterintuitive but taking a break from the game for a day or two can go a long way, especially if you’re feeling burnt out if you think you’re going to be bored during the break because you only play that one game, try a different game during the break, as long as you don’t leave it too long you won’t get rusty by the time you come back and if you do practice a little in normals to shake it off before going into ranked.
If you’re going to forget everything else in this post please just remember this, Please take care of yourself, you, your body and your mind are and should always be #1 priority.
That’s it for this post, if you want to ask any questions or make any suggestions feel free, otherwise, I hope this will help you climb.

Hi! A ton of great tennis in this third round. About half the women's matches are here, and I'll edit in the rest in about 20 minutes. Thanks to those of you that have participated in our picking contest AO CONTEST DOT TURTLE DOT COMNo thanks to those of you that are currently beating me though. Please make some errors today thank you <3
Update : All matches are here now
Djokovic Fritz : Novak played one of his trademark strange unexplainable trying-to-lose performances against Tiafoe. He was passive, he made rally ball errors, and he struggled with the heat. He seemed to have minor neck stiffness, and just overall was not at his best. Once the sun went down though, he coasted. This was a good match for Tiafoe but after seeing previous comments after losing to a top player like “I had you bro”, I’m not sure he’ll get the right takeaways here. If we look at the positives first, Tiafoe served great in this. He hit a number of very effective second serves out wide and hit his serves harder than he generally does without a huge variation in % that landed in ze box. He got slice-happy for a good chunk of time, but he hit his backhand in the court and used the angles available to pressure Novak when he had control. Of course, this doesn’t produce points against he best backhand in tennis, but it does against everyone else on tour. If Tiafoe stays committed to keeping the ball on the court, then instead of him tiring out it will be his opponents. The forehand is still a very easy shot to miss low if his footwork isn’t there, but footwork is 75% conditioning and 25% mental focus. The closer he gets to these kinds of results that he wants, the more he will work harder in earlier less interesting clashes to get to the good stuff. The smart child eats their vegetables first so they can get to mom’s fancy chicken. Or mom’s fancy tofu, I see you vegemarians.
The downsides are what made me think Tiafoe had no chance even though he had a chance. In a 3 out of 5 match, there are going to be highs and lows. Djokovic was struggling, was extremely subdued, and looked frustrated. When someone isn’t engaged in the match like that, be like a burglar. Quietly do the work and don’t celebrate. This isn’t what fans want to see, and I also laughed a bit seeing Tiafoe get hyped after winning the second set, but screaming “I love this shit” and immediately nodding like he expected the result all along, is a wild reaction to winning a single set, and slapping your chest and celebrating a single set just kinda shows that you are winning battles while having no real intentions towards the war. The errors came, and despite Novak playing some amazing shots, Tiafoe devolves quickly into shaking his head as if he cannot possibly believe how good his opponents are playing. This obviously goes against his nature. Tiafoe is a happy dude. He loves to play in these big moments, and he believes in himself so when the results come, it’s easy to feel validated. Game management is about emotional as much as physical though, and he kinda released the confetti early in this one. What I do want to see in the future, even though I am not his coach and have no business voicing my opinion, is Tiafoe just get out there and absolutely look to smoke some people. He got to net when he shouldn’t have in this but it was a great move to force Djokovic to speed up his tempo, and Tiafoe’s hands at net are inconsistent but also amazing. He has a higher register than most guys on tour and the decision to press the issue is really just a decision. It’ll come with some bad results but he’s already getting those bad results and it’ll add titles if he makes it.
Fritz lost his second round match against Opelka, so it’s surprising that he’s appearing in this round. Moping, and shaking his head in the “telling the supporters I’m not going to win, and to please stop supporting” fashion, he went down 5-1 in the 4th set tiebreaker. I switched off to another match, and Opelka somehow lost his serve and his ability to keep the ball in the court. The 5th set was a sad affair, and Fritz secured my prediction but you have to feel bad for Opelka who was significantly more likely to pressure Djokovic in this matchup since his serve often means it doesn’t matter who his opponent is. Early Novak troubles usually continue, so I don’t know that he will just be his normal self here. If it were another daytime session, Fritz might win a set. Since it’s at night though, I think we’ll see hints of the best Novak, and playing a 5-setter against a server is a really weird preparation for playing Novak Djokovic. If Fritz serves well and hits his forehand well, he can do well against the Novak that struggled with errors against Tiafoe. I just don’t think it’ll happen though. Djokovic in 3.
Fucsovics Raonic : Fucsovics and Wawrinka played the best match of the 2nd round on the men’s or women’s side. Marton was giving Stan the beats for a good 2.5 sets and basically ended up playing Wawrinka into shape. Stan is one of the best players to watch when he’s in form and the only thing that made it better is how good Fucs’ defense really is. He kept the ball coming back and took his opportunities when they came. Down 8-4 in the tiebreaker, and 9-7, it looked over, but he managed to finally earn a win in a high profile match against a top player. I wasn’t entirely sure about the draw and was crossing my fingers he’d be playing Novak in a day session. No such luck, and Raonic comes into this at peak form.
Raonic struggled in the rally against Moutet early, but opened the game up as it went on and looked borderline dominant. Just a slew of 0-30 openings for Corentin, and against a server this is poison. Raonic has a much better defender to hit past in Marton, and I do give the edge to Marton in rallies. If Raonic throws in a poor service game, that set goes to Fucsovics. If Raonic gets fatigued, he also could be in trouble. The problem here is that Fucsovics played 5 sets of tennis, and even for a top athlete this is going to have some degree of wear and tear on you. There is upset potential here since Raonic will have trouble winning baseline rallies, and Fucsovics will be engaged in a lot of them on his own service games which can wear down an opponent, but Raonic has sort of treated his opponents service games like chances to go for broke and apply pressure, and Fucsovics slice backhand may allow Raonic to come to net a good chunk of the time. I’ll be pulling for Fucs, but I think Raonic will be a lot fresher. Raonic in 4.
Martinez Lajovic : If you want to beat Pedro Martinez, don’t win the first set. He has gone down a set and rolled his opponents in consecutive rounds, and it has been a joy to watch. It’s rare that you find an opponent who never takes a shot off, and that’s Pedro. They’re not all struck for pure winners, but he looks to move his opponent constantly and it’s paying off as few have had the mental focus to hang in there so far. Ruusuvuori looked a bit flat at times after his war with Monfils, but Martinez deserved this win. Big reward for him too as he plays another guy who’s not going to serve him out of the match.
Bublik was businesslike against Bedene, and childlike against Lajovic. Dusan made the game ugly, and Bublik missed shots and complained loudly to his box. I feel like the nonstop whining in other languages is overlooked at times, and I’m definitely guilty of enjoying a rant I don’t understand, but wishing Kyrgios/Murray would shut up/stop crying. Lajovic’s strengths here will be his experience and his durability. He can play for as long as Martinez wants to, and he does have infusions of pace and power that can end long baseline rallies. This is a brand new matchup, and I don’t see a lot to separate these two. Lajovic almost had an easier match at the baseline, but dealt with a much bigger serve that Martinez has so far. Martinez has played more consistent opponents, but they didn’t stay very consistent. The Lajovic of the 2020 ATP Cup can compete with anyone. The Lajovic of the mid-season slumps can lose to anyone. I think Martinez is similarly mercurial, but his bottom level is rarely far off from his top level, and I think he has a small edge here. Martinez in 5.
Mannarino Zverev : Mannarino made the quickest work of Kecmanovic. Despite the 3-0 scoreline, these two traded a lot of very crisp rallies with the ball going just inches over the net over and over. The problem really was that Mannarino was comfortable in them, and Kecmenaovic was working hard trying to produce errors. The errors don’t come when Mannarino is on his game, and he was able to cruise into another contest with Zverev. At the US Open Mannarino seemed like a problem early but faded late. As Zverev warms up it seems like he’s playing a different game than Mannarino, scoring down the middle and able to move easily to any Adrian offerings, while Mannarino slowly begins to only really score from errors.
Mannarino is playing significantly better than he was at the US Open, but it seems like the result could be the same. He has to earn errors from Zverev, and the Zverev serve keeps him in matches even with those errors. He’s getting a bit better as time goes by as well, because really the only thing that improves your game at a certain point is repetitions, and he has a ton of high-level matches under his belt. I think Mannarino steals at least one set, but the match would take a real Zverev implosion. Zverev in 4.
Thiem Kyrgios : Poor Koepfer. I thought he might overperform, but instead he was awarded a nice opportunity to fly to a local challenger next week. Thiem looks sharp and when he looks sharp, he starts to look like he’s going to win the tournament. With how many finals he’s been in and how many wins he has against Novak and Nadal, it’s not unreasonable to say he could win this tournament and no one would be really surprised. Enter Nick “Skinny Wombat” Kyrgios. The grumpy gloomy gus with the haircut you won’t let your 10 year old get even though he saw it in a Bad Bunny video continues to win matches. Humbert played a business-like match and reminds me a great deal of Nadal with how he pressures his opponent but doesn’t really go for outright winners. He had match points in the 4th which hurts a little, but there is plenty of time for him and given Nick’s injury struggles, every time he takes the court motivated is a good thing for fans.
Kyrgios played better in this match than he has in recent history. He’s actually improved every single round in the past two weeks. He’s returning well, he’s making sure his forehands go in the court on defense, and he’s hitting sharp angles with his backhand. If he didn’t have the emotional state of a child who’s been told they have to go to sleep, he wouldn’t be as big of an underdog in this match as he is. Still, he has been able to get frustrated at his box for rushing the court and making him miss shots, and still play tennis. His serve is good enough to get to tiebreakers, and that’s a great place to be against Thiem.
Thiem is likely to return serve better than anyone Kyrgios has faced thus far. He’s likely to respond better to Kyrgios’ offensive offerings, and he’s likely to be able to move Kyrgios behind the baseline. His own serve is less heralded but he can hold serve fairly easily when he needs to. I think that will be the small edge in this matchup. Thiem has levels and has the ability to shift between them consistently. Kyrgios has a top gear which is world class but he doesn’t play it all the time. Thus far in his two week run,he’s been able to come up with second serve aces at break points, forehands when he needs them, and good consistently backhand play. I don’t think he’ll be able to here, but I would be very surprised if the scoreline didn’t reflect that he had the chance to. Thiem in 3-4 tight sets.
Dimitrov Carreño-Busta : This is one of the closer matches you can point to in this third round and there are a number of small edges here. Dimitrov has yet to drop a set and is playing the best tennis he has in years. Last week he looked very sharp against Popyrin and then had a quick letdown against Moutet. With how well he backed up his Cilic performance against Bolt, I somewhat suspect that the Moutet loss was more about the timing to prep for the AO than anything else. PCB is a guy who reminds me of Ferrer. He’s never slated to beat the top talent, but there’s really no way to beat him without a heroic effort. Both Dimitrov and PCB are serving their best this week, which makes this even closer.
Two top athletes playing their best in rallies and serving better than usual. I don’t see a real way for this to not be a war. Dimitrov has their only two hardcourt meetings as wins, and if I had to indicate who has a better chance of winning in straight sets, it’d be him. He has the sharper offense and his slice is something I’m not a fan of, but Pablo does make some errors when he has to get low and generate his own pace on the backhand. I keep waiting for Dimitrov’s regression, but it’s unlikely to come. This is a guy that didn’t live up the expectations for so long I almost start to think he’s not really that good. So here, it’s hard for me to say he suddenly will be. This match is winnable, but Dimitrov would have to really do a lot more than beat rusty Cilic and tired Bolt for me to say “yes now he’ll dispatch one of the hardest defensive tests on tour in a hardcourt major”. PCB in 5, but this is one where Dimitrov “could” win, he just hasn’t in the past.
Shapovovalov Auger-Alliassissassissame : These guys are good. Shapo backed up his clutch win against Sinner by sending Tomic back to the internet, and FAA had a game James Duckworth to deal with and made it look easy. This is a real hmmm matchup, and I’m glad the bookmakers have priced it at around -195 Shapo +165 FAA because this is about right. Shapovalov is 14% airhead. He’s the pretty girl that everyone asks to the prom but then he doesn’t show up because he wandered off to see just what this caterpillar is up to? Roughly 7-11 days later he shows back up with a pet butterfly and wants you to hear his new rap but the words don’t rhyme and there are no words and he ate the butterfly by accident and now he’s sad but when you go to hug him he bounds up and runs off to chase a car. Now that may seem hurtful but please understand that is only 14%. The other 86% is a great tennis player with very good shot tolerance and one of the more repeatable serves on tour. Oh but that 14%. That darned 14% means double faults and flinching at his misses and just generally being a guy who the tour sees as someone who can be outlasted.
FAA on the other hand has the emotional reaction on court of someone who’s just woken up from an operation. He knows he’s there, but he’s not quite sure who he is and as he’s wondering wtf what’s this thing coming at me why am I holding a racquet oh did I win? Nice let’s go get a haircut. I’m a big fan of FAA. I think he’s a future #1 and my favorite thing is that he doesn’t temper his offense to the situation. When he has the open court he hits the ball with depth that isn’t necessary, but is if you want to play at the highest level. His serve is excellent when it’s on, and his backhand has nice heights. Criticisms stay on the backhand. It looks a bit awkward at times and Shapo works his opponents backhands nonstop. Can FAA hang in rallies long enough to work the points to even? I don’t suspect that he’ll win the longer rallies, but what we’ve seen so far is that his power has been enough to allow him to dictate offense and win. This is a very good spot for him even though Shap has won most of the previous meetings. FAA is playing his best and is coming off a week and a half of straight set wins. Shapovalov is coming off a bizarre match where just making balls is what was necessary to win. He struggled in a number of service games also, and this could be poison in this next round. Playing an extremely easy opponent and then a very difficult one is not good prep and playing a guy like Duckworth who works hard but can’t win is a great confidence booster. I’m leaning into the upset. FAA in 5.
Karatsev Schwartzman : Diego is going to lose? Aslan Karatsev has a cool name. Aslan Karatsev has a cool game. He beat Gerasimov like he did something, and was predicted to by the books as well. He has a big serve and a ton of power. He’s consistent, and businessy on the court. These are very nice things, but now he faces Diego Schwartzman. Muller in the previous round had difficulty winning single games, and while Karatsev is a huge step up, Diego Schwartzman is a pretty big market. Yet Karatsev is only +230 against him. This is still a nod to Diego of course, but when you look at lines you have to conceptualize the flow of money into the prices. This somewhat short price doesn’t mean you go blindly backing Karatsev, but it’s the sort of thing that makes you go “hmm”. When you find yourself going “hmm” about a line, often the best thing is to skip it, and watch the match. You can get a lot of info about markets and pricing from this, and the general insistence on reading the tea leaves and trying to be right can lead to poor confirmation and unnecessary stress. Sportsbetting is never a multiple choice exam; you don’t have to make a selection if you’re not sure. Diego really only struggles on hardcourt with holding serve. He’s an excellent returner and generally halfway through the match his opponent is already physically fatigued and looking to end rallies quicker. So what will Karatsev’s formula be to win? So far it’s been big serves and big forehands. A whole match of those is necessary to beat Diego, but Karatsev is pretty fresh here since Gerasimov was pretty immobile. I’m not sure if it was injury or fatigue from his match with Paire, but he really wasn’t moving for the ball a lot of the time.
Diego doesn’t have any real reason to be fatigued here, having had fairly easy matchups with Muller and Ymer. I expect Karatsev to perform well and apparently so do the books, but I’m not sure I can say that he’s going to win out loud. I’d be very wary of backing Diego for this one, but Schwartzman in 5.
Rublev Lopez : Mannnnnnn Rublev is good. I can’t say much else. He sees it, he smashes it. I’m sure he watched tennis as a kid and thought “why don’t they smash?” on every shot. He must feel like he’s a kid in possession of some big secret half the time. “Hhehe, they don’t know about smash.” Lopez cheated death in that last round, being down 2 sets quickly and really struggling, he just kinda found a serving rhythm and was able to squeak by. Sonego must be frustrated by that loss, but it’s the story every time Lopez wins. You kinda know what he’s going to do, but you just can’t physically get to the ball in time to stop it. His T serve from the ad side bends as well as Gilles Muller, and he mixes up his volleys at net to really keep his opponent from having good angles to pass him. He’ll need that against Rublev, and I do think he’ll be able to get deep into sets as well as he’s serving. Rublev struggles returning at times, and isn’t the fastest player on tour by any means. Still, we’re talking about a man who knows the secret. The secret of the smash. Rublev in 4.
Ruud Albot : Casper Ruud just kept coming against Tommy Paul, and earned errors. It was a really good comeback, but one that he made by not changing anything at all. He plays so disciplined and he’s so physically strong that really someone can either beat him for an entire match, or can’t beat him at all. Albot benefitted from O’Connell playing one of the worst matches I’ve seen in a while. He was extremely passive, didn’t move his feet well, and made a ton of errors. For a guy who thrives on not making errors (he’s a pusherrrrr), this was a bad loss and since Albot doesn’t exactly hit you off the court, it took a long time. OC had his chances to win every single set, but just couldn’t hit a shot. In his defense though, Albot served really well as he did against RBA and he got to net and didn’t miss much. The flaw in OC’s game seemed to be generating his own power. He reflected everything beautifully against Struff and was just completely flat against Albot. This is a great result and some nice $ for Albot, and although he isn’t a favorite against Ruud because they’re so similar, he isn’t a guaranteed loss.
Where Albot was safe against O’Connell, he’s in trouble against Ruud. Ruud has the power and fitness to drive the ball through the court. He’s a better returner and server than O’Connell, and has a ton more experience. Ruud will know this is a match where he has to outwork Albot from start to finish, and so he won’t be seemingly expecting errors to come as O’Connell kinda was. Really a nightmarish performance from OC and he still had a chance to steal the 2nd and 3rd sets. I love Albot and he’s serving great, but I think it ends here. Ruud in 4.
Harris McDonald : When you think third round of a major, you think Harris and McDonald. Harris really never deviated from the plan against Popyrin. He keeps the ball on the court, and applies gradual pressure with his forehand. It’s all about outlasting his opponent, and he did that here. On the other side of the fence, Mackie McDonald beat Coric summarily, and benefitted greatly from Coric missing just about every offensive ball he went for. It was a depressing loss for Coric, who seems to have settled on wearing size boy’s small clothing, and although he snuck back the 3rd set, McDonald did not hesitate to snag him in the 4th. I would say that the McDonald that almost beat Dimitrov and had those great wins when he first got on tour is back. He was slated to beat Gasquet last week and did so. He was supposed to beat Cecchinato and did so despite losing the first. Now he’s defeated Coric who played poorly but is still a very tough out as it gets close to the finish line. Mackie is serving well also, and although Harris has outlasted his previous opponents in the rally, Mackie is likely to take the initiative and win rallies rather than be locked into them. It’s weird for the match to be on the weaker players racquet, but McDonald is a good bit more aggressive in the past week and a half, and although Harris’ serve is the biggest weapon on court, the 9 sets of tennis he’s played have to take a toll at some point. McDonald in 4-5.
Krajinovic Medvedev : Oooooo. Kraj struggled a lot against Andujar but never really was in doubt. Medvedev had a similar inevitable but lengthy match with RCB. Bookmakers have made Medvedev a -1500 favorite against Kraj, and well, this shows you that pricing markets is more important than predicting outcomes. Medvedev is one of the favorites to win this tournament, but he has to do the work to get there. Krajinovic won their only previous meeting, and despite his abysmal performances in the past, he’s also turned in some very close battles against the top players. I expect something similar here. He’ll struggle to hold serve because Medvedev is such a good returner, but long rallies and a lot of breaks can be somewhat expected here. This would be a good spot for Medvedev to push the issue a bit, since the next round of Mackie/Harris is a much easier one. Medvedev in 4.
Tsitsipas Ymer : A tale of two cities here. Tsitsipas beat Kokkinakis with a very intelligent yet ignorant performance. It was pretty obvious that Kokkinakis would tire out after the 4th set. His legs were really starting to give out, and all that serving for clutch holds after 6 minute games got to him. If Tsitsipas had been been up against an opponent who was not able to hang for the full 5 sets, it would have been smart to extend rallies and do so. Tsitsipas was in control of this match throughout though, and the passive way he played for a while kinda let this get out of hand. Take nothing away from Kokkinakis’ serving and play; he really did his best and had a chance. Injuries and experience though have kept him a level below Tsitsipas though. Tsitsipas has proven to be able to immediately shank a forehand and lose a tiebreaker anytime the opportunity arises. He began tapping his head in the 5th set after winning rallies. There is nothing intelligent about your opponent getting exhausted, and tapping your head after winning is one of the douchier behaviors on tour. “I’m outsmarting you,” declared the guy who had won significantly more points and games, yet managed to wind up in a 5th set anxiously looking to his box and double-faulting. Anyway, it’s pretty clear and was at the French Open also that despite his troubles with errors, it takes a real high level of ballstriking and physical fitness to beat Tsitsipas in a 3/5 format.
Ymer is a quiet but great story in this. Not expected to beat Hurkacz, but did. Not expected to beat Alcaraz, but did so convincingly. He’s been one of the more promising next-gen players for a while but the results haven’t come, so this is a huge bonus for him to pick up some cash and some points. The more experience he gets, the more he’ll realize how to use his superior athleticism and power to win matches. I think we’re seeing it already, as he’s been driving his backhand and getting into net and creating a lot of havoc. It’s simply a matter at times of being more aggressive for him, as everyone is pretty even from behind the baseline but some players can just overpower an opponent if they take a risk and step into their shots. The downside is you tend to get caught at times if your opponent redirects the ball with angle or depth. The upside is that your opponent is watching you move in and has to adjust their footwork very quickly. This is simple stuff, but Ymer has been executing extremely well this week. So here is a match he shouldn’t really have a chance in. Tsitsipas has a better serve, more experience, a better backhand, and genuinely is one of the top players on tour. He makes errors though, and he plays passively at times. Despite the big 3 having a lock on winning for so long, sports are an equal playing field, and tennis margins are not as large as they appear on paper. Ymer will win a lot of points here, and a lot of games, but how many is a tough question. Tsitsipas was in all of Kokkinakis’ service games, and really only huge serving kept Kokkinakis in that match. The lopsided sets were the real story of the match, and it’ll be tough for Ymer to earn points here. Still, the Coric match and this one and several others are going to have people competing extra hard against Stefanos, and this is what the announers were talking about when they said Sinner should manage his optics a bit better. If the aura around a player is that they bring their A game and don’t make errors or get frustrated, it’s easy for their opponents to be stuck in a “try to earn every point” mentality. This leads to making errors, and trying to play perfect for a whole match. If the aura around a player is that they get frustrated, or make errors, then their opponents stop missing. They look to earn that frustration, and they apply a lot of pressure. This translates to them actually playing their best game, and an error free one. It’s hard to say when and where Tsitsipas will struggle, but as long as he does, matches like this will be tough. Tsitsipas in 4.
Khachanov Berretini : These are some exceptional matches honestly. The WTA has been a cut above the ATP in terms of quality and depth for a few seasons but the ATP is starting to catch up. Khachanov was consistent and crisp against Berankis, and Berretini was just a next level against Machac. Good for Machac to compete the way he did, and he’ll definitely have a future on tour, but right now Berretini really won’t lose to anyone who isn’t at the top level. Khachanov is at that level though. His height makes him an adept returner, and his heavy ball is likely to frustrate Berretini a big since his forehand is better when he’s able to generate his own pace. I think this has the making of a 5 set classic, and Berretini certainly has the better serve, but Khachanov is going to have a decent chance at this. Khachanov in 5.
Fognini De Minaur : With Fognini down 5-1 in the super tiebreak in the 5th set, I decided to go to sleep. I kinda knew Mmoh wasn’t going to do much against Nadal, and Safiullin was fading against Norrie. Fognini decided to punish me for that. He really was in shrug mode, and I felt that Caruso was fighting too hard for every point to lose his advantage. It happened though, AND I DON’T KNOW HOWWWW. So for real, anyone who saw it please advise. I also heard that Fognini exchanged some words with Caruso which I missed also. I regret sleeping and will never do it again.
De Minaur has been getting -1200 price tags and delivering. He really didn’t give Cuevas much, and Cuevas missed a ton of shots. It was evident he didn’t exactly feel he could hang in long rallies here, and it was worth a shot to kinda play offense and see what happened. De Minaur is the perfect opponent to beat Fognini, but it may be tricky. Fogs has beaten PCB and Caruso already in the past week and those are not easy players to hit through. I’m not expecting fatigue to be a factor but I do think that where Caruso surrendered his lead, De Minaur will build on his. Fognini is often all about managing his own image, and I don’t see him having the fight to win this. De Minaur in 4.
Nadal Norrie : Nadal is Rafael Nadal. It is hard to really expect him to ever struggle. Cam Norrie is much improved, and doesn’t really even look like the same person on the court. He’s gained some weight, isn’t cutting his hair, and is winning matches. The matches have been simple so far, and he won’t just disappear here but he will disappear from the draw. Nadal in 3 hard-fought sets.
Barty Alexandrova : Barty is getting me hyped! After a double bagel against Kovinic, she lit it up against Gavrilova in the first set. The second set though was pretty tight at the end, but Barty really looks good for the title. Which makes what I’m going to say now very difficult. This is a very hard match. Alexandrova was playing some great tennis indoors last at the end of last year, and has followed it up here. She’s crushing her backhand, and serving fairly well though they’re not aces. The problem for Barty on tour is always that she falls into playing defensively, and similar to Halep, she thrives on putting a lot of balls back and earning errors. I just feel that she’ll be on the defensive a bit too much in this one, and that Alexandrova doesn’t really play the kind of tennis you can defend against. I’m not going to feel good about saying it, but I think Barty loses here. The lapse against Gavrilova was not something I wanted to see. Alexandrova in 3.
Kontaveit Rogers : Great but standard comeback for Kontaveit against Watson. Rogers on the other hand never really hesitated against Danilovic. For Olga this was a good result but she’ll want to work on her defensive abilities if she wants to get to the next level on tour. The Shelbster has been on a tear this past month, and Kontaveit has been just ok. This is two players with a great deal of power, but one seems to be dragging herself along and the other is improving. Rogers in 3.
Bencic Mertens : Oddly, Belinda Bencic can play Mertens evenly. She’s been terrible, and Kuznetsova almost profited as a result, but Bencic really has the skill and ability to play at the same level as Mertens, which is why her lackluster results are so frustrating. They’re likely to be frustrating here as well, as Mertens quietly makes her way through yet another draw. Mertens in 2.
Muchova Pliskova : Muchova was broken early against Barthel but Mona really isn’t back to her normal self yet. It’ll come, and it’s nice to see her back on tour after some tough injuries. What were they? Idk. But they were tough! Pliskova and Collins had a pretty solid match, with Pliskova losing most of the rallies and Collins failing to really land first serves. That was the difference in the end, Collins simply wasn’t able to hold serve. Muchova is on a roll, and Pliskova has a possibly tougher match on her hands here. Where Collins is very focused on manufacturing her swing and putting the ball in strategy places, Muchova is a natural talent and is happy to rally all day. The power in these two players forehand is going to be really enjoyable to watch. I’m tempted to say that Pliskova’s improved defense is just a matter of focus, and since it’s a major she’ll get through. Muchova has already successfully dealt with Ostapenko’s offense here though, and I think it’ll take a very impressive serving performance from Pliskova to win. Muchova in 3.
Kanepi Vekic : Woooo! Kaia Kanepi has lost 20 lbs I didn’t ever realize she was carrying. She is in incredible shape, and it’s translating to quick wins. Her kick serve bounced over Kenin’s backhand until Kenin just gave up, and it looked like they were just two entirely different levels of tennis player in this one. Kanepi’s offense is legit, and she’ll need it because Vekic comes into this match crushing the ball. She never blinked against Podoroska, and despite Kanepi’s high level Vekic’s offensive offerings were the type where it didn’t really matter who was on the other side of the court. I have to think that even with Vekic’s problems on court the past season that this is her best level, and it’ll continue in this match. She should get at least a set, but Kanepi’s offense isn’t likely to just disappear, so the third set here could be tight. Kanepi in 3.
Brady Juvan : Brady continues to roll. Big fan. Juvan outlasted Sherif’s defense and earned a real hard fought win. For a young player, those wins are huge because they lend belief to your game. I think she’ll play well here against Brady, but Brady is on another level lately. Brady in 2.
Pegula Mladenovic : Pegula made the quickest work of Stosur that probably anyone ever has. She’s a healthy favorite in this contest as well, despite Mladenovic’s great play. The serve will be a major factor here, and if Mladenovic isn’t able to get ahead in rallies this could be a long day. Her play isn’t dictated by emotion though, and she’s able to shrug off losing set and compete. In the end, it’s hard not to think that Pegula is the more complete player, but this is one where I wouldn’t be very comfortable backing either player. Pegula in 3.
Putintseva Svitolina : LET THERE BE RALLIES! Putintseva did extremely well to outlast AVU. Van Uytvank was smoking the ball left and right, and really deserved the win. Her fitness levels have improved, and she should have a very successful indoor season this year. Svitolina and Gauff was a pretty hyped matchup, but Svitolina proved that it’s a “not yet” situation for Gauff on tour still. I lean towards past matchups with these two since their gameplans are pretty similar, and Svitolina has won every single matchup. When rallies go long, her forehand tends to be the biggest weapon, and Putintseva has devolved into just really looping the ball back all day, so this could be her undoing if Svitolina steps into the court. Svitolina has simple, yet consistent offense, which sets her apart from Putsy’s previous victims. Svitolina in 2 long sets.
Hsieh Errani : This is a good one. Hsieh took good advantage of Andreescu’s rust, notching a big name win. Errani played Venus Williams in an odd contest. Venus was down in this match, as Errani’s defending is a bit much for her limited mobility. Venus then fell and twisted her ankle, and was moved to tears, and then continued to play. Down 6-1, 5-0, she just kept going. The game went to duece. Venus could barely walk for much of the second set, and it was kinda hard to watch. The 0-5 duece game became important. Just one more game, thought the announcers. It became obvious that Errani should just let her score. Venus was basically puffing in her serve and hobbling around the court. A strange cling to a match, or an inspiring story of human determination. The crowd got ready to cheer when Venus finally won the game. At this point, Errani hit 3 dropshots in a row, embarassing the injured Williams, and closed out the match. She even dropshotted Venus’ serve. It just felt disrespectful, but it also was really bizarre that Venus kept playing. I think this is likely her final year on tour, and since she’s retiring she wants to play it all out. The reaction to the ankle sprain was more than just frustration. In any event, Venus has been a graceful and quiet champion throughout her career. If this is the end, wow what a story it has been.
Errani actually has won all 3 meetings with Hsieh, and her resurgence in the past year means she is likely to nab this one too. She’s fresh, Hsieh has scar tissue from their previous matchups, and the only thing that’s really in Hsieh’s favor here is that she has played her best tennis this week. I wouldn’t be surprised if that puts her over the finish line, but Errani’s game is well suited to dealing with Hsieh’s defensive offerings, and Hsieh may not have the power to put Errani away. Errani in 3.
​

Previous Post Here
Now the technology is being applied in industries from transport, where algorithms are being used to teach self-driving cars how to navigate busy city streets, to health care, where robots are learning to diagnose and treat patients. And in finance, increasingly, these technologies are making decisions about what stocks to buy and sell. Source Here

It's a Matter of When. How Machines Are Taking Over the World's Stock Markets

Ever feel like life is getting surreal? As though you aren't in control? Did you ever wonder if it's because we aren't in control? I never did, until I started writing this series. Now? I don't wonder anymore, I'm 99.9% positive that we aren't in control. The machine(s?) probably are. The simulation probably gives orders based on data, and the elite execute. How can I suggest such a scenario? Think about all the contradictory situations that we've been thrust into. Don't worry about the virus. It's not bad. It won't even reach North America. Don't wear a mask. Wear a mask. The virus is on surfaces. The virus isn't on surfaces. The virus is airborne. No it isn't. Your dog has the virus. No, your cat does. You're animals can't get infected. Your cat has the coronavirus. I'll only be two weeks to flatten the curve. We're shutting down the airports. Politicians are caught flying during the pandemic. Now we're super serious going to shut down the airports. Now you better use three masks.
And around and around we go. Then if the above reasoning is accurate, it brings up another question, why? Is the simulation faulty and correcting itself as more data becomes available, or is this all part of an overall framework which will only become evident with the passage of time.
Yet, maybe this is all just human stupidity. Or maybe this is all a masterclass on how the elite have patiently executed their plan. Or maybe, just maybe, they have started to listen to their Technogod and it's visions of the future. After all, they have openly stated that they want to use technology to build a UTOPIA.

Agent Smith : Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization. I say your civilization, because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our civilization, which is of course what this is all about. Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You've had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time.

Is this what's happening, or at least a small portion of what's happening? Possibly. Did the elites following the simulation decide this was the best course of action to lead us to a Utopia? And are we rejecting it? And what happens if we reject it?

A Bill Gates Venture Aims To Spray Dust Into The Atmosphere To Block The Sun. What Could Go Wrong?

Source Here

Hey wait, wasn't there a movie about living in a simulation where the humans blocked the sun to kill all the robots? Hmmm. Wouldn't it be ironic if the humans used AI to run simulations that told them blacking out the sun would stop climate change, but really it wasn't for climate change at all?

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Nah. No way. That's some Dark Mirror crap there Greek (Hey Dark Mirror writers, pm me and we can talk about a script), as if AI would be smart enough to come up with a plan like that? I mean, it's not like AI has suddenly developed the ability to evolve, has it?

Artificial intelligence (AI) is evolving—literally. Researchers have created software that borrows concepts from Darwinian evolution, including “survival of the fittest,” to build AI programs that improve generation after generation without human input. The program replicated decades of AI research in a matter of days, and its designers think that one day, it could discover new approaches to AI.

Source Here

Ah. Crap. Really! Come on!
Ok. I'm calming down. 3. 2. 1. Deep breath out. Inhale. Exhale. All good.
So AI is running trades. Its ready to get into healthcare (and boy do I ever have a bad feeling about that • Covid-24 was finally eradicated today because DEEPMIND finally developed the vaccine that saved civilization • Long Live AI • Am I being crazy again? Time will tell) It's also being proposed to take over Cargo Vessels.

The Robot Ships Are Coming … Eventually

As the pandemic fuels demand for less contact and fewer sailors, shipping companies turn to AI-assisted navigation.

Sometime next April, a 50-foot-long autonomous ship will shake loose the digital bonds of its human controllers, scan the horizon with radar, and set a course westward across the Atlantic. The Mayflower Autonomous Ship won’t be taking commands from a human captain like the first Mayflower did during its crossing back in 1620. Instead it will get orders from an “AI captain” built by programmers at IBM. Source Here
So. Uhm. What are we going to do if AI takes over a ton of jobs? Oh, thank God they have been discussing a Universal Basic Income! Why, it's almost like they've thought of everything! Now how would they do that? Anyone? Buhler? BUHLER?
Because there is no way a human, or a bunch of humans, could come up with and execute these steps. No. Freaking. Way. Uh. Nope. So was the virus engineered or was it real? Personally, at this point, I'm leaning towards real. How deadly it is in the short term is one thing. The long term? That's another story. Or rather. Post.
On to the next one.
So if the virus is real and the elite are taking advantage to usher in the Fourtb Industrial Revolution with THE GREAT RESET, what does that mean for the short term? Probably more of the same, but worse. How much worse? Well...they have to get us to the point of desperation, don't they? Supply chains break down, no food, here come farm robots to the rescue! Now we can't get vital supplies from overseas, here come the robot ships! Oh no, now nobody can drive because we have too many variants and we can't risk truck drivers carrying it from one province to another, bring out the self driving trucks!
Now here's the problem. If the virus is real isn't it a good thing that we have AI ready to go? Yes. So why am I so insistent that it's a bad thing. Because at some point in the future we are going to hand over more and more control to AI. and guess what? We don't actually know how it works.

The Dark Secret at the Heart of AI

No one really knows how the most advanced algorithms do what they do. That could be a problem.

But this won’t happen—or shouldn’t happen—unless we find ways of making techniques like deep learning more understandable to their creators and accountable to their users. Otherwise it will be hard to predict when failures might occur—and it’s inevitable they will. That’s one reason Nvidia’s car is still experimental. Source Here
Let that sink in. We. Don't. Know. How. AI. Thinks. And nobody thinks this is a problem? Ok. Great. So what could go wrong?

In the battle of artificial intelligence versus a human fighter pilot, it wasn’t even close.

The artificial intelligence algorithm, developed by Heron Systems, swept a human F-16 pilot in a simulated dogfight 5-0 in the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency’s AlphaDogfight Trials on Aug. 20. Source Here
Ok. But that was just a simulation. No sweat. No worries. I'm freaking out for nothing.
The Boeing Airpower Teaming System (ATS), also known as the Boeing Loyal Wingman project, is a stealth unmanned aerial vehicle in development by Boeing Australia to perform autonomous missions using artificial intelligence. Source Here
Uh. Guys. Is this a good idea?

Skyborg

**The Skyborg project is a United States Air Force Vanguard program developing unmanned combat aerial vehicles intended to accompany a manned fighter aircraft.[1] As of 2020, contracts have been awarded to Boeing, General Atomics, Kratos Unmanned Aerial Systems and Northrop Grumman. Source Here
I mean, didn't they have a movie about this? Maybe we should think twice before we turn it into a documentary? By the way, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? Maybe we should be keeping an eye out on his whereabouts? Seriously, I'm not saying that they're making Skynet, but if I start reading reports about how strange it is that a bunch of women named Sarah Connor have died...yeah, I'm out of here.
Yes I'm joking, but I'm being serious at the same time. Because I've really started questioning just how much I've become desensitized to the world around me because of the entertainment that I've consumed over the years. If someone had of told me that I would be concerned about the state of AI a few years ago, I would have laughed it off. And even now I question what I'm thinking. Why? Because of all the movies and books that I have read. It's a vicious cycle and I only pray that one day I don't go, how was I so stupid, I knew this was going to happen but I still didn't actually believe it.
More to come. Take care and stay aware. Talk soon.

I recently wrote this up for my friends who asked me how I do what I do. I figured I'd share it here. This is freely available to anyone who wants it, though please credit me if you simply copy/paste. Nothing here is novel, and can be done by anyone. I am not a financial professional, and the example given below is only Abbvie because I forgot that Abbott Labs was alphabetically the first in the S&P 500 when picking an example.
​
First, let’s come right out and say that if you do not have the time to do this, or do not find it enjoyable, just buy low-cost index funds that track either the total market or the S&P 500.
Second, let’s make an important distinction:
Investing – This is the act of purchasing assets for less than their intrinsic value. This PDF will focus on how to determine the intrinsic value of an asset that produces income. Note that for most assets, this is simply how much money you can extract from the asset over the period of time that you hold it for. There’s no other value than money in investing. Causes and emotions are what philanthropy is for.
Speculating – This is, at its core, the act of taking supply of an asset from the present to the future (by hoarding it). If there is more demand, lower supply, or both, this pays the speculator to take the asset from a period of low value to one of high value. It is not gambling, but is very difficult to do, since it entails taking on timing risk. It is not illegal, immoral, or impossible, but I have no special insight into it. I’ll leave it there.
Gambling – This looks a lot like speculation, but without any particular reason to believe the asset will be more valuable in the future. Speculators at least estimate the value of an asset to investors, as they are ultimately the end market for an asset. Do not gamble. Full stop.
Determining the intrinsic value of an asset
The value of an asset is simply the present value of all future income that asset can provide you. Since a dollar in five years is naturally less valuable than a dollar today, you have to discount future income against the opportunity cost of forgoing the dollars you invest today. When we get to the Present Value equation, this is represented by interest. It can also be thought of as the opportunity cost of investing in the asset instead of some other asset or simply consuming the dollars instead.
Here’s the actual math. Note that it’s not super hard, and while I will explain it, there are dozens of free websites that will quickly let you calculate this. The key phrase to Google would be “present value of a growing annuity calculator.”
PV = (C / i - G) * {1 – [(1 + G)/(1 + i)]^n}
PV = present value
C = cash flow per period
n = number of payments
i = interest rate
G = growth rate
The value for PV is your estimation of what the asset is worth today. If this ends up far higher than the market price, you are probably purchasing dollars for quarters. Avoid edge cases, as you are guessing about both the interest and growth rate.
C is the cash flow per period. If you have a high degree of confidence in the culture of the company and it has a long history of being good stewards of retained earnings, you can use the earnings per share (EPS). I usually use the dividend. It is impossible to fake or financially engineer a dividend, and requires less looking through financial documents to make sure it’s what it appears to be. But for, say, Apple or Microsoft or Chevron, feel free to use the EPS.
The number of payments is how many payments you expect while holding the asset. Dividends in American companies are typically quarterly (though some pay monthly or every six months, so check on that), so every multiple of four would represent one year if you choose to do it that way. If n = 16, then you’re expecting to hold the asset for 4 years. You can also put in a year’s worth of dividends and keep n = years rather than quarters.
I typically do n = 30, since 30 years is both a long time horizon that is realistic, and coincides when I will hit “retirement age.” You will have to decide how far ahead you’re planning. For most people, they are net purchasers of investments while working and net sellers while retired, so keep that in mind. Note that using years instead of quarters will lessen the amount of compounding, and will provide some cushion in case you’re wrong.
Interest is one of the two variables you have to guess at. Typically, one would put what you expect the actual long-run interest rate to average for this investment. Unfortunately, this is really difficult. Instead, I use a rate that represents my opportunity cost. There are any number of relatively safe ways to get a 5% yield on money invested, so I generally use i = 5% to represent that this asset has to perform better than a utility or telecom or real estate investment trust. Feel free to use what you feel is most appropriate for you. A higher interest rate will lower the value of the asset, so high-balling this number will provide some cushion in case you’re wrong.
The second variable you have to guess at is the growth rate. If you’re looking at the dividend, you want to know how fast to expect it to grow over time. If you’re using the EPS for C, then you want to see how quickly the total earnings are growing per share. This is extremely difficult to predict. I recommend taking the 5-year growth rate and halving it. Dividends will also be more predictable here, as most companies pay out far less than they make, which means even if EPS grows slowly, the dividend can still grow quickly for many years after a boom is over for the company. Note that lowering your estimate for G will lower the value of the asset, so low-balling this number will provide some cushion in case you’re wrong.
OK, so let’s walk through an example. I’ll use Abbvie, a biotech/pharmaceutical company. It has a quarterly dividend for the coming year of $1.30/share. Its dividend has an 18.5% growth rate over the last 5 years, and has grown it for the last 7 (it’s only been around for 8 years).
I assumed a growth rate (G) of 7%. I used $5.20 as the starting dividend this coming year and used years for my n = 30. As always, I used i = 5%.
This gave me an estimated present value of 1 share of Abbvie at $197.94. As of writing this, Abbvie shares are trading on the market at $103.43. This looks like a screaming buy, but first let’s look at why I have a high degree of confidence.
Note how the interest was higher than the going rate – I used my “low-risk alternative” as an opportunity cost. Abbvie has an extremely high rate of growth for its dividend, so I took less than half of its current rate. I also calculated annually rather than quarterly, which reduces the impact of high rates of growth. That’s three places in the equation where I consciously lowered the estimated value of a share of Abbvie, and it still came out as a strong buy – spending less about 50c for a dollar!
I do this because even if I’m wrong in some or all of my predictions, I now have quite a bit of room to be wrong and still make money. It’s like how you don’t walk next to a steep cliff, right? You should know how to walk where you want to, but there’s always the small chance something could cause you to slip or put a foot wrong. But if your plan is always to be 5 feet away from the edge of the cliff, the odds are that you’ll not go over the edge even if you fall down.
Many people feel this is over cautious. But let my portfolio speak for itself. I’ve beaten the S&P 500 index fund every year except one since 2008. My brokerage only keeps digital records back to Dec 2015, but the S&P 500 returned 101% since then – with dividends reinvested. My own portfolio has returned 256%.
So caution is still very high reward. In fact, if you just don’t lose, you’ll do better than the vast majority of professional money managers (about 85% of whom cannot even match the index funds).
Due diligence still has to occur
Now, we can’t just go straight out and buy Abbvie – though it’s a high profile company that receives lots of investor and regulator scrutiny so it’s less likely to have a landmine than most. Just to make sure, you’ll want to do the following before buying shares in this company:
-Check the debt load. If the debt is very high, has very high interest rates, or has a lot of it maturing very soon, then this is a yellow flag. It doesn’t mean don’t buy, but make sure you understand the structure of the company’s debt and make sure it won’t impair the company’s earnings going forward. This information is found on the balance sheet. Abbvie has $97.287 billion in long-term liabilities such as debt, pension liability, and deferred taxes. That’s a lot compared to their assets, but they also are owed some money, so it nets out about $90 billion.
-What’s the book value? Book value is fairly low at $8.65/share. This is pretty much the assets minus the liabilities. Abbvie is in a knowledge industry, however, so you shouldn’t expect their main assets to be physical capital that can be sold. It’s mostly organizational or human capital from their workforce, so this isn’t worrying. If Abbvie was, say, a retailer with stores and land and inventory, you’d want this to be much, much higher for the share price. There’s no easy way to judge this one, unfortunately, but it’s good to look it up and you’ll eventually get a feel for it. No red flags here.
-What are the catastrophic risks that even you or I could think of? For a company in the pharmaceutical space, the obvious answer is regulatory and political risk. Regulatory risk is just want it sounds like – more regulation which can be either costly to comply with or lower profits. This does have an upside, which is that it makes it harder for new competitors to enter a market, so I tend to be rather sanguine about regulatory risk. Political risk is much more severe. This is when politicians decide to either confiscate a company, target it specifically rather than the industry it’s in, or other ways in which the government is involved with taking rather than regulating. In Anglo countries (US/UK/Canada/Australia), the rule of law is typically strong enough that this doesn’t happen much, as there is usually some kind of due process. Places like China, Argentina, Russia, and the EU are much more likely to nationalize or otherwise capriciously penalize a company due to the prevailing political winds. Abbvie has a global footprint, but that also means it’s diversified against such risk. It’s headquartered in the US, so it’s unlikely someone will simply take the entire company.
-Payout ratio? Abbvie has a fairly high payout ratio (80% for the last completed fiscal year of 2019), as they have been aggressively growing the dividend. That’s another good reason to input a much lower G than the last few years. That being said, Abbvie has been around for 8 years (it was spun off of Abbott Labs) and has grown its dividend for the last 7 years and has announced it will this coming year as well. The payout ratio is pretty high, but not worrisome. It suggests a fairly mature company that’s now returning cash to shareholders. I’d say this is not nothing, but less than a yellow flag for me. Any company with 95%+ payout ratio is much more vulnerable to a dividend cut.
-Credit rating? S&P gives Abbvie a BBB+ grade for its unsecured debt. This is a slight downgrade because their balance sheet is currently digesting a big acquisition from early 2020 (Allergan). Moody’s gives it a Baa2 rating for unsecured debt. These are both good, solid, investment-grade credit ratings (if you were buying the bonds of Abbvie). This looks great.
-Does it need a genius? Some companies run on all cylinders because they have a genius at the helm – often a founder. But what you want is a company any dummy can run, because sooner or later any dummy will. Don’t plan to invest long-term in companies that require skilled management. Abbvie is fairly diversified and has an OK pipeline of research. They also can buy little biotech companies that invent something but can’t navigate the regulations to bring it to market. So pondering giants are actually a good thing. Means they’re hard to break.
So, given that there was nothing obviously treacherous in our basic due diligence, and the extreme discount at which our example is selling for, this would be one you might want to buy! This is what I do for all the companies I invest in.
Notice that there is no story, no excitement, no narrative, no counting on good or bad management. Emotion has no place in investing. You also will notice that we took every opportunity to reduce the risk of losing your capital by always sandbagging the estimated value of the company. You never want to pick up nickels in front of a steamroller. You want the investment to be so obvious it hits you in the face like a baseball bat. If you’re ever on the fence, don’t do it. You don’t have to hit home runs – just don’t strike out.
You can be even more conservative in your estimates than I am. If, for instance, you used 5% growth rate for Abbvie’s dividend, you’d still get a present value of $148.57/share vs the current market price of $103.43. Similarly, you could use a higher interest rate, which would also lower the estimated present value.
You may have to do this calculation with more companies to find one to buy, but even in a very expensive market like today’s, there is always an opportunity. You don’t even have to look at little companies. There’s around 500 companies in the S&P – just start with “A” and work your way through all of them.
A quick note about further reading: I very strongly urge most people to actually read as little as possible on this subject once they get the basics. That’s not because there’s not more to learn, but because I would sadly say the majority of what I see and hear is actively bad advice. But if you do want to keep up with financial news and books and chat boards, the best thing to do is find out what the historical returns of the person giving advice are.
Since WWII, the long-run return on the S&P 500 has generally been just a bit shy of 10% per year. If someone can’t beat that, year-in-and-year-out, then their advice is worthless. As in, you don’t want to accidentally absorb it. This is, unfortunately, true for most professionals. Over the last 15 years, 92.2% of actively managed funds have underperformed a simple S&P 500 index fund (and they charge you fees for the privilege). Beware anyone selling something. The advice here is given freely
That’s why I made a point of mentioning that I have and regularly outperform the standard fund almost every year. Granted, I don’t have many of the regulatory restrictions a public fund would have, but it shows how useful the advice I’m giving here is. You don’t need anything fancy. You don’t need anything high risk. I’ve done this through two deep recessions and the longest bull market in history.
If you want to learn more about investing in general and where I learned how to do this, you can read Benjamin Graham’s The Intelligent Investor. It was written in the 1930s, so much of the technical information is out of date. Skip over that and just read it for the concepts.
Even easier reading is to go online to Berkshire Hathaway’s website and pull Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger’s annual letter to shareholders. Almost all of them have something useful in them and don’t make you do equations.
I am available for questions in the comments

By Lauren James, Manchester United and England forward 11 February 2021, 07:00
I’m 19 years old and I’m sitting here, writing about racist abuse. All because of the colour of my skin. It is mad. I'm proud of my skin, I love my skin colour. But when I saw the comments on my Instagram feed, it hurt.
For a moment, I thought I was seeing things. I thought, “This can’t be real.” It wasn’t just one comment, or one emoji. The comments kept coming. I didn’t know why.
There wasn’t a reason for the abuse. I haven’t played a match in a while due to injury, so it felt very out of the blue that someone would choose to target me.
Maybe the comments stemmed from me being Reece’s sister, because he recently bravely spoke out about the racist abuse that he experienced. Maybe people were targeting my family. Either way, it is wrong, and something that I don’t think that I – or anyone for that matter – should be dealing with in life.
Over the weekend was the first time that I’d experienced racist abuse on social media. But it wasn’t the first time that I’d been made to feel aware of the colour of my skin. Racism doesn’t just exist online, of course. It can be in the everyday things – even just going to the supermarket. There are times I've been to get my shopping and you get that feeling that people are intimidated by your presence. They'll move away, pull their children in closer or just look at you in a certain way. It’s difficult to talk about. It's obviously not a nice experience, but I try to just carry on with my day.
I didn’t plan to speak out about racism at this early stage in my career. I'm a quiet person. I go about my business, play my football and crack on. I've seen and supported other players speaking out about racist abuse. But when it happens to you it is different. Honestly, at first I didn’t know how to deal with it.
It was a shock because football has always made me happy. Not everyone can say they play the sport they love as a job, and when I’m playing with my team it doesn’t matter what someone's background or race is, because we’re a team. Together.
I’ve achieved a lot for someone my age. Receiving my first senior England international call-up last year gave me a feeling that I cannot compare. Or playing for United, knowing that I spend every week in training with World Cup winner, Tobin Heath. As a kid I remember going to the park with my brothers and my dad, we would constantly try and compete against each other, and it was just fun. Football continues to bring me the same feelings that I had when I was a kid. But the last few days have been very hard.
Part of me has wondered if we as athletes can take control of this by coming offline, by deleting our social media accounts. But the other part, the stronger part, says no. It would show the trolls that they are winning, and we can’t let that happen.
Facebook have announced that they will take tougher sanctions on abusive messages. It’s a great start but more needs to be done by social media platforms to put an end to this. The easiest way to racially abuse someone – without actually typing the words – is to use the monkey, gorilla or banana emojis. We all know what is intended when those emojis are used or when you see comments like “black lives don’t matter”, yet social media companies pretend to be blind to it. If we are serious about change then there has to be an end to anonymous accounts. Because at the moment anyone can create an account and write hurtful comments, hiding behind fake names and pictures.
Since sharing the abuse I received I've had a lot of support, much more than I expected. It has been overwhelming to be honest. Players I currently play with, and others like Alex Greenwood and Lucy Bronze, have shown that even though we play for different teams they care and support me, checking in to ask if I'm OK on those dark days. I've really appreciated that. When things like this happen, it is bigger than football rivalry.
My manager, Casey Stoney, is very supportive. She knows she won’t ever experience discrimination on the basis of her skin colour, but she has my back. She is someone who has been discriminated against in her life. Her bravery inspires me and in the same way that Casey has helped me to progress on the pitch, she has helped to guide me through this.
Knowing that support comes from across the game is important. It shows that you don’t need to experience racism to realise it is wrong. Racism and trolling is not just an issue for black people or the black community. If society as a whole starts speaking out and dealing with it, things will have to change. It’s a fight for everyone.
Whether you are a boy or girl – whether that’s Reece at Chelsea, or me at United – the outcome is the same. Racist comments are hurtful and upsetting. To anyone thinking about writing a racist or abusive comment, please stop and take the time to reflect on how it will make that person feel. In society, and in the wider world, we need to do better to tackle racism. Lauren
Manchester United manager Stoney calls for more action by Molly McElwee
Casey Stoney has called for action from the Government and social media companies, after Manchester United's Lauren James exposed "disgusting" racist abuse she had been subjected to online.
Stoney echoed the Football Association's own calls on Monday, in response to a number of players across the men's and women's game who have spoken out against racism in recent days.
James, 19, took to Instagram this week to highlight vile comments she had received on her profile: “Instagram on a real need to do something about it or they will lose so many individuals on their platform – cause [sic] that’s the only way they will actually listen. Could even just remove any emojis with racist meanings. Too easy for some kid to press a few emojis in order to try and grab some attention. Too much talk around these days, and nothing ever gets done. Usual story.”
England and Manchester City's Lucy Bronze was among a number in the game who came out in support of James, and United manager Stoney said seeing the abuse had been upsetting.
“She’s 19 years old, let's not forget that," Stoney said of James in a press conference on Tuesday. "It’s hard for me to comprehend sitting here as a white person in terms of being able to understand what she lives through every single day and what she has experienced growing up. "It’s utterly disgusting. When a player comes to me and says, ‘it’s kind of water off a duck's back’, that is gut-wrenching for me that she has to face that and it’s normal. I just cannot get my head around it. It does upset me quite a lot to be honest."
Stoney said James had the full support of the club, and suggested the striker take a break from social media "to protect herself", but James had refused. "Her opinion is that they are winning then, aren’t they?" Stoney said. She added: "Being so young, I’m really proud of her for speaking out. To be able to say ‘I’m not accepting this, I’m going to call it out’, I think is brave. She shouldn’t have to go through it. "It’s a sad time. Just because they play football and have a profile, we go after them... Until the government, until Instagram, until Twitter do something about it, it’s not going to change. It’s over to them."
On Monday, culture secretary Oliver Dowden condemned the "shocking" racist abuse of footballers: "In advance of this recent spate of cases, I called a meeting to hear first-hand accounts of the daily abuse players receive and the awful toll it takes on them. We are going to change the law to make social media companies more accountable for what happens on their platforms & they can start showing their duty of care to players today by weeding out racist abuse now. Players must not be abused for doing their jobs, enough is enough."
In recent days, social media abuse in football had been a hot topic, after Premier League referee Mike Dean had to call in police after receiving death threats online for two subsequently overturned red cards he had handed out.
Stoney herself has been the victim of homophobic abuse since she came out as gay during her playing career: "Social media is a blessing and a curse, I have experienced it myself in terms of the toxic nature it can be and the power it allows people. I have been told I’m an abomination and should never have been born. I have been sent things through the post that weren’t very nice just because I love another human being.
"I lived in a slightly different generation, because I didn’t grow up with Twitter and Instagram, so I’m thankful for that. But it doesn’t matter who says it and it doesn’t matter if you say you have thick skin, it still stings. If you are getting that every single day or consistently it must be very tough. We need to have more kindness in the world and less hate.”

Thank you guys so much for the thanks and comments and awards on the last one of these I did. I've been feeling kinda low and you are giving me life.)
​
We are now forty-seven minutes into the video.
Bee informs us that “Dad thought the phone was ringing, but it's his leg.”
ChronicallyAutistic wants to join the video. Daddy Crisp says that would be a good idea. Bee pans the camera briefly between herself and her father. We can see they are holding hands.
A beeper type phone ringtone starts going off. Bee says she is just going to ignore it.
ChronicallyAutistic appears on the bottom half of the screen, sitting in a darkened room. She turns on the light. Daddy Crisp says there “is a lot of writing in front of your face”. Bee turns the chat off.
ChronicallyAutistic also holds the camera at an angle that shows us a good deal of her ceiling. She appears to spin in a circle and greets the audience. The lighting is from behind, casting her face mostly in shadow.
ChronicallyAutistic stops moving and immediately begins to display 'tics' that consist of head twitches, odd blinking, and strange mouth movements. They repeat every 3-4 seconds.
Bee greets the viewers again. She explains that “whenever somebody comes on, to be polite to them, we are taking off the comments to be respectful and so you can see that person's face.”
Mother Crisp says ChronicallyAutistic looks “a bit happier.”
ChronicallyAutistic responds “Yeah, because, basically, my drinking, uh, when I drink fluids and things like that, ah, we figured out that I'll probably still need a tube for it, but I do have GI issues and I can't keep stuff down very well but we figured out that me drinking things is a tic so it makes me choke on things.”
While talking, the tics become much farther apart, and consist of a brief head twitch. They return whenever ChronicallyAutistic is not speaking.
Bee asks who figured that out.
“I did.”
“Like, doctors, ey, some of them can be damn useless.” Bee makes an exasperated expression into the camera. “And I'll happily say that.”
Bee and Mother Crisp grin into the camera.
Bee goes on “It's not easy, like, people don't understand, they don't...”
Bee and ChronicallyAutistic make general noises of agreement at eachother.
Mother Crisp asks what happened.
ChronicallyAutistic says the doctors “want me to speak to a psychiatrist.”
Bee makes a disgusted expression. Mother Crisp can be heard groaning.
“Oh, the usual thing.” Bee nods, now wearing a smug smirk.
“They think I have an eating disorder, but I don't.”
“It's all about money.” Bee says. “That's all it's about, literally its all about money, the NHS is running out of money so they'll say anything. They literally will.”
ChronicallyAutistic and Mother Crisp agree.
Mother Crisp adds “But they've got this thing as well, with people who are autistic, they think you got mental health problems-”
“Or anybody with any disabilities.” Bee interrupts.
They talk over eachother for a few seconds.
ChronicallyAutistic: “I've said to them, they're gonna have to give me a tube unless they've got a cure for Tourette's which I don't think they do, so...”
Bee says “If your body physically can't do it, they have to accept that.”
Fifty-one minutes in, Daddy Crisp comes back onto screen. “I think as well, I mean, it's not unique to you or unique to Bernadette and from what I've heard it's not unique to anybody else is that, even though, um, autism is not a 'mental illness', per se, it is a weird thing in a way because it's actually the- how autism is diagnosed is through an internationally recognized system by the institutes of psychiatry or something, it's as a psych- so even- it's got a psychiatric label because it's not a physical illness- it's sort of quasi between the two so it ends up being diagnosed by- certainly it's not a psychiatric disorder but it's listed as a psychiatric disorder when it comes to classification of diseases which is bizarre-”
“Which is wrong!” Mother Crisp says offscreen. “Very wrong, that used to be-”
“What's called the DSMV-4, the previous one.” Daddy Crisp says.
Bee turns the camera back onto herself as Daddy Crisp mutters about DSMV-4 and DSMV-5. She watches him in apparent confusion.
Daddy Crisp keeps talking offscreen.
“Now what's called DSMV-5, so it's actually the institute of psychiatry, that describes how um to label autism spectrum disorder, it's not got the Asperger's label, etcetera.”
Bee is talking again. “But like I said, as soon as people hear, you know, eventually when you-know-who gets back to me and we're keeping this pretty much under wraps, um, as soon as that comes and happens I aught to speak to you and see if I can mention part of what you said, if that's ok, and what you've been doing.”
The camera turns back to Mother and Daddy Crisp.
“Unfortunately, it's so common,” Daddy Crisp is saying, “it's so common unfortunately, there's this case that I, I um found on the internet the other day, about a lady that had no known mental illness per se but autism and she was sectioned, ah, twenty-eight times or twenty-seven times, no, put in isolation twenty-eight times, purely because she refused some treatment etcetera then ended up, um...I suppose by the time they'd finished with her her she did have some mental illness but, um, she didn't at the start of it and them not believing the fact that you can have...I know I don't understand, even with Bernadette you can't, people can't seem to understand that you can have autism and something physically wrong, but they wouldn't do that with someone who's diabetic, they wouldn't say 'You're a diabetic, so you can't have depression' or 'you're diabetic, you can't have a broken leg' but they do that with autism, I know in the case of Bernadette she went for a, an assessment before she was officially diagnosed as autistic and looked at the fact that she was under CAMS which most- a lot of people who are under the autistic spectrum or suspected to be are going to get into CAMS, they looked at that and they thought 'No, it can't be that, it's all depression-”
Bee chimes in “Yeah, all anxiety, da de da de da.”
She keeps the camera on herself as her father starts to talk again.
“And it was- Bernadette, before she diagnosed as autistic, she must have had about twelve different labels all of which directly or indirectly relate to autism. She was diagnosed as non-verbal learning disability, sensory processing disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder-”
“I still have that one.” Bee says.
“It was just so many things but if you put all these things together, when she was eventually diagnosed, um, the lady that diagnosed us is one of the leading experts on women with autism, not just nationally but internationally, Dr Judith (Gord? Ford?) her exact words to me over the phone before Bernadette was diagnosed were 'somebody's got waterproof feathers, webbed feet, quacks, waddles, then it's a good chance they're a duck.”
He assures us that Bee was not diagnosed over the phone. ChronicallyAutistic has been sitting quietly on screen for this whole stumbling dialogue. The facial tics have returned in force. Bee seems to realize she is still on the stream.
Bee says that she can tell ChronicallyAutistic has GI issues because “people judge people on what they think they see or what they see on your notes, 'Oh, you're under CAMS so you must be good' or they decide to judge you and start looking on the internet-”
Bee makes a 'troubled and upset' face as Daddy Crisp says that is “So, so wrong.”
“It really is.” Be agrees. “Like, people just have to learn and accept that some things are harder than others to diagnose and autism can be the same as well.”
“Also, if you've been diagnosed as autistic, you have autism, it has nothing to do with-” Daddy Crisp trails off.
ChronicallyAutistic has finally decided to speak again “I was diagnosed when I was fourteen.”
“Me, too!” Bee squeals.
Daddy Crisp explains that “you don't 'become' autistic, it doesnt happen, your position on the spectrum can change as you learn coping strategies or get therapy or as you learn from experience, obviously as you get older-”
He stumbles through telling us that people have to learn to think before they speak. “But you're never ready for it.”
Fifty-seven minutes in, and he is telling us he had a meltdown with Bernadette the other day and his reaction was 'way over the top'.
“It was dramatic, I was like 'wot'?” Bee pans the camera back to her face for a reaction shot.
“It was 'throw all your toys out the pram' material.” Says Daddy Crisp. But fortunately, he has never done that “during a work situation.”
“So, we were both meltdown, like, two autistic people in the same room, having meltdowns, not a good thing, especially when you're father and daughter. So there was me there crying, my dad crying, it was just a mess and eventually we decided just to take our own spaces and do our, what we normally do to take ourselves to our calming space.”
For Bee this apparently consists of meditation and doing something with her duvet.
A beeper alarm is going off, Bee has a clip board for reasons which are not apparent.
Bee turns the camera again and the view settles on what looks like the kitchen, with half of each parent visible at the sides of the screen. We get a good look at their kitchen light fixtures, in spite of not being in the same room.
Daddy Crisp asks if they are doing anything for ChronicallyAutistic. Daddy and Mother Crisp wave and say “hi” for no reason.
ChronicallyAutistic says that no, their doctor said there was something they could try for the Tourette's but it is something that has to be “put on paper” by a neurologist. They booked an appointment for the neurologist in October of last year but now she won't get an appointment until April of this year.
The Crisps and ChronicallyAutistic live in different areas of the UK, which Bee says means they are treated differently. According to Daddy Crisp, there isn't a neurological ward at all where they live, “so you never see the same person twice” and that every doctor contradicted the one before.
Bee says we'll hear all about that in a “special way” and says she isn't going to get into her hospital shenanigans here and now. But, she assures us, we will hear about it, and it will “probably shock your mind or blow your minds or you might be like 'oh, that's what happened'. So that's how people react often.”
Mother Crisp asks if ChronicallyAutistic is somewhere safe. She is at her house, but says she thinks her social worker is putting her in supported living at a group home.
Mother Crisp asks how she feels about that. ChronicallyAutistic says it is better than living by herself. Mother Crisp says she knows nothing about ChronicallyAutistic but can tell it would be better for her to be in a group home where she has “people to talk to and take care of you, which you need.”
Daddy Crisp tells us he moved into his first flat when he was twenty-eight, and was excited until the first night. The flats around his were not occupied and he had never been anywhere that was completely quiet.
He then goes on to explain that he doesn't like quiet, but he also doesn't like noise. Any slight noise will make him lose his concentration.
The flat “was like being in the morgue”.
Being autistic, he doesn't mind his own company. That doesn't mean he doesn't like people, he likes to socialize but “most of the time it's to much of an effort” or that after he meets people half the time they start talking “absolute rubbish” about last night's TV, then assures us that “as a bloke, I can watch football or not watch it...”
Bee turns the camera back onto herself. “He goes on a bit.”
Daddy Crisp is now telling a story about his son keeping up with football results in University just so he could have a topic of conversation for small talk.
“And you could tell he knew nothing about football!” Bee says.
Sixty-three minutes in. The Crisps are all talking over eachother in fractured sentences, attempting to explain that autistic people feel socially awkward.
Bee is on camera again. “It's different, you feel like you have to fit in so you do- but- you don't- it's...it's different, it's like your body naturally does it, so it's not like it's 'acting' like you're being a character, it's you're being yourself but you don't realize you're putting a persona on, is how I describe it. And people who are girls are more likely to mask than boys. Especially on social media. And a lot of girls are more likely to be picked up on the internet as well because people don't believe what anybody says because girls are so good at hiding things or making everyone think everything is OK, when, um, with boys there's this stereotype that, it seems to be that there are more girls that are talked about 'oh, this person can't have this because of this and this and this' when, autism and other illnesses work in different ways for different people. You can't go around judging people, especially when they're autistic. You don't know-”
“Also, the reaction will be different.” Daddy Crisp chimes in.
Bee sticks her tongue out from the side of her mouth, in a motion reminiscent of the sponge swab videos.
The Crisps seem to have forgotten ChronicallyAutistic is still on the stream.
Sixty-four thirty. Bee reads a comment asking if any of them watch soaps. Mother Crisp does.
Daddy Crisp asks which ones she likes, then immediately begins to tell us how his lovely wife “doesn't watch much telly, she just watches soaps”. The two of them then begin listing off soap operas she likes. They then all insist that Mother Crisp does not watch television, while Mother Crisp says that five til nine is just 'her time'.
After a full minute of this, Mother Crisp abruptly remembers that ChronicallyAutistic is on the stream and asks how she is feeling after her trip to Kettering. ChronicallyAutistic rubs her head and says she will never go back there again.
“Me, neither!” Bee laughs into the camera.
Mother and Daddy Crisp agree that it is horrible.
“What time is it?” ChronicallyAutistic asks abruptly.
8:08, time for ChronicallyAutistic to take her meds.
Bee says she remembers things that need to be taken at eight past the hour as “snowman”. “So I'll go, like, it's snowman over nine.”
“Do you want to see all my meds?” ChronicallyAutistic asks.
The Crisps say they do. Bee looks very excited about the prospect.
ChronicallyAutistic has a sparkly bag with a zipper top. The Crisps comment on how nice her bag is.
Around sixty-six minutes in now and ChronicallyAutistic starts to pull out medicine boxes and tubes of topical ointment. She pans the camera over two inhalers and a box of mirtazapine tablets.
Interestingly enough, her tics seem to completely vanish at this point.
“There's quite a few there.” Mother Crisp says with a slight smirk.
“So in spite of that lot, there's 'nothing wrong with ya'.” Daddy Crisp says.
“I have, like, what, fifteen different medications? And doctors just hand it out to anybody willy-nilly.” Bee rolls her eyes. “Some people are such idiots.”
Daddy Crisp is offscreen and slightly garbled, the first few words are lost. “...say 'there's nothing wrong with ya, we don't think ya need this medication but keep on it just in case you do need it.”
Bee informs us that she has a nebulizer, a suction machine which she describes as a 'yellowy thing' that is 'basically used to save my life'. She turns the camera to show us the suction machine. She turns the camera back onto herself and makes a strange pucker mouthed expression, somewhere between a fish face and just having eaten a lemon.
“Oh, yeah, I have a nebulizer right now.” ChronicallyAutistic says.
Bee asks if anybody has questions to ask about autism.
“Somebody put in 'sertraline of me', what does that mean? Is that one of the medications you're on? Sertraline?”
Daddy Crisp confirms it is a medication. Bee attempts to read the username of the person who asked, but can't manage it.
The Crisps try to figure out what the comment means. ChronicallyAutistic tells us that is her friend who “is autistic as well and doesn't spell very well” and she thinks it means he's on sertraline.
The comment pops up in a large box, partially obscuring ChronicallyAutistic's face. We can see that she is drinking something out of a red plastic cup. She uses one of the inhalers.
ChronicallyAutistic's friend is asking what Bee has a hard time with. ChronicallyAutistic puts something that is presumably some sort of medicated liquid on her head.
Seventy minutes in. Bee can't figure out how to make the pop up text box close. She says the exit button has 'gone weird'.
Another person has commented saying 'bad doctors' didn't believe they had epilepsy for ages until they had a video EEG.
“Ooh, I had a video EEG.” Bee says. “Oh, no, actually, they didn't capture it-”
Bee has finally gotten the text box to close. She is very excited. She explains that autistic people can get very excited about things.
Bee turns the comments back on. Bee says 'Hi' to the viewers again.
Seventy two minutes in. It has been ten minutes since ChronicallyAutistic last displayed any sort of tic. Daddy Crisp asks if she is 'better now that she took her medication'. ChronicallyAutistic gets close to the camera and grins. She then informs us that yes, she will pass out in about ten minutes.
She asks if her hair is growing and tells us that she was completely bald a few months ago. Daddy Crisp says it looks like a lockdown haircut. The Crisps discuss 'lockdown hair'.
Daddy Crisp says ChronicallyAutistic looks knackered. He stutters his way through “the bags under your eyes are around your ankles and if you're not careful you'll trip over them.”
ChronicallyAutistic laughs. The Crisps once again assure us that autistic people are capable of understanding humor.
Seventy-three minutes in, and ChronicallyAutistic's tics reappear. Bee says she will call her tomorrow, and ChronicallyAutistic signs off.
(And Puppy needs a break.)

First post here! I’m assuming it makes a difference judging by other people’s posts so I am on mobile. Also, this is gonna be a whirlwind if anyone reads it. Maybe grab a drink and get comfy.
So. I have a beautiful little girl. She’s almost a year now. My first, we’re planning for 2. At least, we were before we had her. She’s amazing and beautiful and smart and I love her more than anything else, and in no way regret her. I just wish things had been different. In this last year. In the way I had her. In the way the first few months of her life went.
It’s been so hard. And so stressful. And this is after I healed from having her.
Probably needs a TW. Birth story. Hospital staff not listening to the patient. Traumatic birth.
Painful story ahead
I’m diabetic, type 1, so am considered high risk. Therefore was seeing an OB before my first ultrasound even. Had ultrasounds every month until 30 weeks then every 2 weeks, had appointments with my OB every month and then 2 weeks same as ultrasounds, was sent for detailed ultrasounds and fetal echos, have non stress tests at the hospital, like the whole 9 yards. Glad they wanted to keep tabs I guess. But everything was fine the whole pregnancy. The first appointment with my OB she laid out the plans for how all this is gonna go, and I was like that’s a lot of appointments but I guess if they’re necessary. Keep in mind my first appointment with her was at 10 weeks. She also decided to inform me that they would be inducing me at 38 weeks because I’m diabetic and there’s a risk baby could get too big or could have other complications. Obviously not what I planned, I was very upset and started to cry and asked if everything was fine could we just not and let things happen naturally. She said no, because I’m diabetic that’s just how it is and I need to accept that. Knowing what I know now, I should have found a new OB but that’s neither here nor there.
So the rest of the pregnancy is fine, every appointment baby is perfectly normal and healthy. Measures in just right every time. But we accept that inducing is gonna happen. Get everything sorted and set up, time booked off, applied for mat leave and parental leave, get all paperwork filled out and sent out and ready for 38 weeks. Feb 17th.
Get told to be at the hospital for 7am. Get there. Sit there until after 9. They do a non stress test once the dr arrives, not my OB btw. The other doc from her office. Not thrilled, wanted her cuz I wanted a female OB, so having him walk in was both unexpected and unappreciated. But ok fine. He looks over everything and tells me there’s no emergent reason to induce today and they have too many labouring moms so to come back tomorrow and they’ll see what happens. Ok. Fine. Cool. Thanks. Btw this is now after 11am. Go home, relax, eat, shower, etc.
Feb 18th, go in at 7am again. Same thing. Same doc. Same non stress test. But they say that we can go ahead, but if we don’t want to we don’t have to as baby is perfectly fine, no issues so he doesn’t see a reason to even induce anyway. Sorry what?! I’ve been told for 28 weeks that I was to be induced and didn’t have a choice in the matter. All the paperwork is submitted. My husband booked his time off around this. Whatever. We’ll do it anyway, may as well as everything is all lined up for this. Again, if I knew then what I know now, I would have peaced tf out and said nah it’s cool, see you when she wants to see you.
So he does an exam, says nothings even started, no thinning of the cervix, nothing yet. He inserts the cervadil. “You’re going to feel some pressure” I’m told. Nah. That shit is PAINFUL! Especially when he doesn’t even tell you he’s getting started. Through the insertion he and the nurse are like I know it’s uncomfortable, you’re fine, etc. Then. After the insertion tells me I have to just sit there for an hour. Ok. But. Can I go pee? Nope. Coulda told me that BEFORE. Preggo here, have to pee ALL the time lol. So hold it to the point of it being painful and literally digging my nails into my hands to redirect my thoughts. Nurse finally comes back and says that I can go and they have my room ready. Once they insert the cervadil you can’t leave the hospital apparently. I assumed they’d do the thing and send me home, apparently not. No one every clarified anything and I didn’t know what to even ask. But whatever.
We hang out and chill. Nothing happens for awhile. Eventually start feeling some cramp kind of feelings and the nurses are all “oh that’s good! Means things are starting!” Too excited for pain but ok lol. They told me before I went in that they would provide insulin while staying there, turns out they don’t supply the pen style so have to send my husband to get my insulin from the house as I’m not allowed to even leave to go get necessary medication. Cool. Good thing I have an amazing husband. End up dealing with super painful cramping all night. Can’t sleep. When I finally do get some sleep a nurse is in checking blood pressure and baby’s heart rate, etc. Literally checking every 4 hours. It’s fine I guess, who needs sleep before delivering a baby right? Only feels ok when I’m walking or stretching my lower back. Also hard to do at 38 weeks pregnant lol.
The next morning after getting no sleep, doc comes in with a nurse and says they’re gonna remove the cervadil and break my water. Not fun. Actually worse than inserting the cervadil. Again with the “you’re gonna feel some pressure” bullshit. I was crying and super tense and all the nurse could say is you’re fine, just relax. Super helpful. After he breaks my water and leaves the nurse says that she had her water broken when she had her baby too, mentions that it felt violating for her too. Laughs and says she’ll check on me later. As I’m laying there curled into my husbands chest crying. Thanks.
I end up having a shower, long and hot, felt amazing btw! If you have the chance to shower or have something hot on all your muscles, do it! It’s helped so much! Get moved to the birthing room. They say they’re gonna start the oxytocin drip. Didn’t realize I was opting for literal hell.
Managed the pain for a few hours but got so bad the more she turned up the drip that I was blacking out and almost falling to the floor. The nurse had offered pain management ideas a few times, but I really wanted to do this without drugs. Ended up getting the epidural. Got an hour of rest, not sleep, but rested. Had a bite of jello cuz that’s all they give you when you’re in labor. Said I was hungry cuz I haven’t eaten since 8 this morning and she says I know but gotta wait till this baby makes an appearance. This is at like 2 in the afternoon. Still preggo, still hungry all the time. But ok I guess. Don’t worry about keeping up your strength by eating. It’s fine. 🙄
About an hour after I got the epidural I was starting to feel a lot of pain again, and the nurse told me that oh no, you won’t feel anything that’s just pressure. Let me check you and see how far you are. 9cm. She called the doc. Meanwhile I’m crying and trying to find a way that’s comfortable through the contractions that are full speed ahead again. The oxytocin was pushing my body to contract seconds apart. I couldn’t even take a deep breath before the next one started.
My mom started massaging my back through the contractions which helped so much! And tried letting the nurse know that I was having back labour and laying on my back was making it worse. The nurse said they had to monitor baby so I had to. I don’t remember how long it was till I pulled the monitors off me and got my husband to help me stand, it felt better standing leaning on him. The nurse proceeds to tell me that I have to lay down or the epidural isn’t going to work at all. Even after telling her it’s not. At all. I can feel everything. They tell me again, that I’m just feeling the pressure. Multiple nurses at this point.
My mom tells the nurse to just check me again, she thinks it’s time. The nurse says no way, it hasn’t been long enough. Takes my mom multiple times to convince her to just look. Turns out that yup, mom was right. It’s go time guys!
They’re telling me to lay down, getting the bed ready, get my husband one on side and mom on the other. At this point I’m literally screaming I’m in so much pain and asking them to just cut her out of me. Doc arrives, gets mad a nurse, tells her the oxytocin is way too high and that’s not what he said. They turn the oxytocin off entirely. I ask him for a csection. They start prepping for an emergency c section. However, baby has decided that if we’re evicting her then she’s coming now. So of course I start crowning. Csection is no longer an option. Keep in mind, I asked over an hour prior the first time, the epidural is no longer working, it’s now after 4:30, I’m hungry, tired, in pain and have been for all but an hour that day, I’m just DONE.
We start pushing, doc says he’s gonna have to use the forceps cuz she’s facing the wrong way. The nurses are telling me to hold my breath and push, stop screaming, screaming isn’t helping, women do this all the time so be strong, etc. Not helping but thanks. I feel like I can’t breathe to begin with so holding my breath is not super helpful. Also does an episiotomy. Again: EPIDURAL NOT WORKING. So I’m screaming and they all go oh, you felt that? I don’t think the epidural is working. So he injects a local anesthetic to numb the tissue that’s just been cut after starting to tear already. At this point I’m spending more time blacked out than not. Unless someone is yelling in my face I can’t focus enough to see them never mind hear what they’re saying.
The pain is finally receding and normal natural contractions are happening at normal natural intervals. I think it was 3 contractions like this. Honestly, I’ve had period cramps worse than that. But idk if it’s just from after such painful contractions or if that’s actually how it feels, but guess we’ll never know.
Nurse tells me one more big push with the next contractions and baby will be here. So. That was a lie. It was 3 I think. But anyway, get baby out. Husband cuts the cord. They start the check for baby. Doc starts stitching me up. I ask multiple times if he’s done yet. Doc has to inject more anesthetic. Not a fun place to get needles btw. Would not recommend. Finally finished up. Baby gets placed on my chest. I’m so tired I can’t even hold her, so husband takes her.
My mom and husband spend some time snuggling her and another nurse comes in to remove the epidural and tape and brought me warm blankets. No one tells you you’re going to feel so cold after. Got taken back to my room.
Paediatrician comes to check out baby. They have to check her blood sugar every time she eats and do blood work a few times as she’s a little jaundice. First thing the paediatrician says... “she’s a little small” 😐
5 pounds 9 ounces, born on February 19th, 2020 at 5:42 pm.
That was the start of the struggle of the next few months. I barely remember so much of this. Most of it was filled in by my mom and husband. I barely remember anything of the first few months. I was dealing with so much pain. Took forever to heal enough that I could actually be comfortable sitting. And even longer to even think about being with my husband in the biblical sense again.
I’m still dealing with the trauma. The nightmares. The anxiety.
I know I need to seek out a therapist or something. But I still can’t even say all of this out loud. Even typing this is so hard. But I needed to put this somewhere.
My husband says everything we went through is worth it for her. And again, I don’t regret her. And I don’t wish I hadn’t had her. But I wish it wasn’t so hard. And traumatic. I remember typing a text message to my mom when she was only a couple weeks old. And telling her I can’t do this. And that I want her to just take the baby. I never sent it. It was a months after that when I told her about it. Around the same time I told my mom, I told my husband.
I don’t feel like that anymore thankfully! I couldn’t imagine giving her up now. Getting closer to her birthday just keeps bringing the nightmares back. And I’m having a hard time mentally.
Thanks to anyone that reads this.
Also, if anyone has advice on dealing with this kind of thing, I would love to hear it!

Thanks to u/jouscat for providing the inspiration for this post with her amazing post, Realities of a Woman's Life on the Road. That was a couple months ago, but I figured my experiences and what I've learned could help people, hopefully as much as Scat's. Also, thanks to her and Pokebert (u/2717192619192) for reviewing this post and providing some great suggestions.
From the beginning my parents just didn't care. My dad was an abusive meth addict, often hitting me, but I never let him hit my sister. My mom was less on the abusive side and more on the passed-out-heroin-addict side. From the time I was 11 or so, I could disappear for days on end without them caring or sometimes even realizing, and the summer after 8th grade, I decided to use that to my advantage. I wrote a quick note telling them that I'd be back within a month or two, packed up a bag, read through all the vagabond advice posts I could find, and then hopped a boxcar out from my little town near Sacramento. Right as it pulled out, the door slammed shut, almost taking my finger with it. The train ended up taking me to Elko, Nevada, where I wandered around town for a couple hours before figuring out to hitchhike.
Since then I've been all over the West, and also last summer I did a big circuit around the east, from New Orleans to Atlanta to Asheville to New York and then back to the land of cowboys and dust via a high-priority train that took me from Chicago to Denver. I've had some great experiences, and some horrible ones, which I'll be talking about here. My aim for this post is to prepare you youngsters for what's waiting for you once you run away, so I won't spend much time on the good part.
To Run Away or Not to Run Away?
I ran away because I hated living at home. I wasn't abused too much (not exactly a ringing endorsement), just completely fucking ignored. There were sometimes streaks of several days where I didn't talk to my parents despite being in the same little house as them. I had a couple friends at school, but I was an outcast for the most part. If I had the chance to relive that time in my life with everything I know now, I don't know if I'd run away again. The abuse started out not so bad, but it started to get worse, so I ran. If you're not getting badly hurt or abused, which is better than a lot of people can say, stay at home. Running away is only justified in very abusive situations, whether physical, mental, or emotional. It's a life-altering decision. But if you've got that itch to go, there's nothing I can say that could stop you. When I left there was no fucking way I could've been talked out of it.
Don't take the decision lightly, though. Read through this post and all the other great resources on this sub and vagabond, hear all the shit that's happened to me over just three summers on the road, and then decide. Does it sound worse than what's happening to you? If so, think long and hard about it. Could it get worse? Better? What are your other options? If it sounds like a piece of cake compared to your home life, go for it.
How to Run Away?
I honestly can't help you with the emotional side of this one. I just got up and left, no shits given. As I said in the first paragraph, I just left a short note for my parents, and then a longer one for my sister. My friend, on the other hand, did. I'll call her Annie (not her actual name), I'll let her tell her story.

I've been in and out of the foster care system since I was 9. I ran away from every home they put me in after a couple months. Sometimes I didn't even unpack my bag. At first I'd just jump out the window at night and then bike to the next town over, mostly just to make a point, but then they got smart and made it so I couldn't open the window more than a couple inches. After that, I would sneak out and open the front door. I got caught a couple times like that. At first my attempts to run away weren't very successful. People pay attention to a 10 year old on the streets. But around 12 or 13, I was able to stay away for longer. I could take a greyhound to the nearest big city and get lost there, and after a month or a couple they'd find me or I'd come back, and it would start all over again.
When I was almost 14, I was placed into a foster home that I genuinely liked. The "mom" and "dad" were caring and provided for us well, and the other kids told me it was good. But as time wore on, I saw that it wasn't at all perfect. One of the kids was involved in drug dealing, and was tangled up with a gang, and the "parents" sometimes let their anger break through, and would sometimes hit me or the other kids. Two days before the last day of school, the "mom" sent me out to find the kid that was into drug dealing, since he hadn't come home for dinner. I knew he spent a lot of his time in this one alley downtown, so I went there. I turned the corner and practically ran into him. He pulled out a switchblade and stabbed me.
It didn't look like he realized who I was until a couple seconds later, then he tried to comfort me. Apparently I'd ran into a big drug deal, and he was on edge. On edge enough to stab me, at least. He got me in the boob, so I wasn't too badly hurt. I decided that I couldn't take it any more, so I went back home, grabbed a few things, and told them I was spending the night at a friend's house. Instead I spent the night out by the creek, and then the next day at school, I asked the author of this post (who I was already really good friends with) if I could come with him. He said sure, and here I am now. I haven't entered a foster home since I picked up a change of clothes after school that day. My wounded tit is an object of much curiosity from everybody who sees me topless, for anyone who was wondering.

What to Bring?
As for gear and transportation, I'm more well-versed in that. The first time I left home, I went extremely bare-bones. To put all of my shit in, I brought a medium-sized hiking backpack that I got from Goodwill. It wasn't one of the fancy ones from Osprey or whatever, just a canvas sack. You need to think about the essentials first, not fancy trinkets. That means food, water, and shelter. I would bring a sleeping bag and a tarp (shelter), canned foods and other high-nutrition foods (food), and a milk jug full of water. Don't start out trainhopping, but if/when you eventually do (after getting a mentor), bring two or more full gallon jugs full of water. Also don't bring a tent. They're bulky, heavy, expensive, and they attract attention. I find a tarp to be much more useful.
Beyond the essentials, there's things that you could live without, but are good to have.

• Lighter and tinder. A campfire can cook food and keep you warm, both of which will be needed.
• Some paracord. Useful for fastening shit to your backpack and much more. Don't take too much, if you have to cut it burn the ends to keep it from fraying.
• A pocketknife. I'll put in a defense section after this, but a pocketknife is good for cooking and eating too. I used to have a Leatherman Juice, which I unfortunately lost a couple months ago. I now have a Wave+, which probably is too heavy.
• Dr. Bronners soap. This soap is gold. It cleans everything from bodies to plates to hair, and you barely need to use a drop. Alternatively, dish soap is good, or even a bar of soap.
• Fishing stuff. I like to fish, all you really need is a good long stick, a couple hooks/lures, a swivel and a bunch of fishing line. It takes some practice, but you can eat like a king with a whopper catfish cooked over an open fire. The best fishing rod is bamboo. I've got a homemade one that I bought from an old Cajun dude near Thibodaux. No, his name wasn't Amos Moses.
• First aid. Your generic first aid kit will be useless; bring stuff that will help you.
  • Duct tape (not just first aid, this is good in general)
  • Restaurant napkins (for bandages and toilet paper)
  • Ibuprofen, Advil (or generic versions)
  • Any personal medical stuff (epipens, prescriptions, etc) although I would be very cautious of running away with a prescription. You'll be found out if you try to refill it.
• Clothes. You don't need a lot, I'll go over warmth in the next bullet point. You're not going to smell good, but you don't need to. Just bring a t-shirt and jeans, maybe a pair of shorts too. I have a baseball cap that I love. If you're travelling in the desert, wear a thin shirt with long sleeves, some light pants, and a hat with a wide brim on all sides.
• Warm clothes. This depends, but there are some basics. I travel with a heavy flannel, a hunting jacket, and a rain shell. When I'm travelling in the fall/wintespring, which is a rarity, I add on insulated Carhartts and long john bottoms. The only time when that layout has been stressed was when I hopped a train during a blizzard around Christmas a couple years ago. I think it was about 15 or 20 below 0 and I was cold as fuck. If you're east of the Rockies you probably won't need much or any warmth during the summer, but I do a lot of travelling in high mountains, deserts, etc. where it can get below freezing any time of the year.
• An instrument. I'm a trombone player, which is not the best instrument for trainhopping. Still, I manage. I've got a junky trombone that I strap to my pack (paracord!) or put inside, and take it everywhere, and then I've got a somewhat nicer one that I leave with a friend in NOLA. It's a pain in the ass to carry around, but it pays. I try to go to New Orleans for at least a couple weeks a year. It's paradise for a jazz musician. I busk a lot, often solo, sometimes with a partner. I once raked in $450 in 5 days busking in New Orleans with me, a vocalist, and a saxophonist, both of whom I just met on the street.
• Money. Busking is a means to an end. Start off with at least $100. My first time I had $72, which ran out somewhere around Ogden, UT. Mormons can be very friendly, but not to buskers, so I pretty much starved until I got to Cheyenne. Other ways to make money:
  • Farms. I grew up in the Central Valley of CA, where pretty much every vegetable or nut you eat comes from. Farms surround me. Here, you have to know Spanish to get a job, because 90% of the workers are Latino, and many are undocumented immigrants. Farm work here is fucking hard and for horrible wages, but it's usually easy to find if you know where to look.
  • That's really the only one I can think of. Check out the Advice Directory over on vagabond (currently deleted due to shit going on there).
• Headlamp. Flashlights are meh, but a good headlamp is indestructible and you don't need hands.
• Toiletries. I like being clean, I will admit. Along with Dr. Bronners, mentioned above, I just take a normal toiletry kit: toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, that's about all. The girls I've traveled with just bring normal period products.
• Weight. I go as light as I can, because my trombone weighs 12.5 pounds. My pack is usually around 30 or 35 pounds with the trombone, but if you don't have a heavy-ass instrument like me, you can be more lenient with trimming weight. I'm 6'1" and 160 pounds, so I carry more than most others, I think the ideal pack weight for somebody a bit smaller than me is more on the 25 pound side than the 35 pound side. The second summer I was on the road, I carried two trombones from California to New Orleans, bringing my pack weight up to around 45 pounds. That royally sucked. I don't recommend all that ultralight stuff, it won't last long on the streets, and it's crazy expensive. I once went into REI to buy a pair of long johns, and I was absolutely appalled at what these people will pay for the tiniest thing. Like, 100 bucks for a fancy chair? Nah, man, a log is much sturdier and less expensive, and you don't have to carry it around.

Protection
As I said earlier, I always have a pocketknife. I've got a leather holster strapped to my belt that I can easily pop open. Like jouscat said, it's no use if you can't get to it. At points in my "career", I've carried a hunting knife, bear spray, a switchblade (for a couple weeks in LA), and coins in a sock. DO NOT CALL ANYBODY'S BLUFF. If you're in a sketchy neighborhood or jungle, keep your knife in plain sight, but do not pull it on somebody unless you are prepared to use it. When I was 15, I pulled a knife on a crackhead in Missoula who was acting threatening and insane, as crackheads will. Bad idea. I woke up an hour later after he punched me in the side of the head and left me in the gravel. It could've been much worse. I woke up because a train was roaring by. He could've put my head on the rails. He could've dragged me back to his shack in the woods, and I would've been dead to the world, or for real dead. I could never use a knife on another person, thus the bear spray. I walked straight to downtown Missoula after I woke up and bought a can of bear spray. I usually keep it out when I'm in grizzly country, otherwise it looks out of place and suspicious. I have not had to use it yet.
If you're hitchhiking with somebody who's starting to look threatening, pull out an apple and slice it very carefully and deliberately. This is the oldest trick in the book, but it works.
Prostitution
According to the US Justice Department, "1/3 of teenagers on the street will be approached by a pimp within 48 hours of leaving home". I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT DO PROSTITUTION. I once met a prostitute in LA, who had been pulled into it at age 16 after she ran away from home because her stepfather was raping her. She said that running away was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She attempted to commit suicide after 6 months of it, but it just fucked her with a lot of hospital bills. As far as I know she's still a prostitute. Read this article about child prostitution in NYC (I think there's a paywall if you're on mobile). There's also this one that provides many very in-depth articles/videos about how people get sucked in, how they are kept in, and how they can get out. If anybody has more experience with this type of thing, comment, or post on runaway. I think it's not talked about as much as it should be.
My mother ran away from home at 16, a fact that I just learned recently. She was from Mexicali, crossed the border illegally and went up to Seattle, and then to Alaska. In Anchorage, she got addicted to heroin, and prostituted herself to survive. She eventually tried to go back to Mexico, but got waylaid 100 feet from the border by my dad, recently released from prison. Well, a year later, my dad moved 3-month old me and my mom up to Bakersfield, where he immediately got sent back to prison for beating my mom. She moved to Nevada with me, and of course wound up doing prostitution again. She never talked about it, but it must've been horrible. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, no matter how much pain they've caused me.
Where to Sleep
When it comes time to bed down, you may just want to crash wherever. But put some thought into your choice of location. If I'm hopping trains, I like to sleep at the edge of the yard. Usually there's some woods, or even just a patch of shrubs, that provide some visual protection. Don't sleep in jungles (hobo camps). Some people there are pretty insane. I'll spend the evening with them or whatever, but then sneak off to my own quiet corner of the yard so that I won't find myself robbed blind and with a knife in my back in the morning. If I'm hitchhiking, I'll ask them to drop me off next to a creek somewhere, preferably with some trees. I like sleeping next to creeks. Even if they're too polluted to drink from (always filter your water either way), they're still nice. Unless they attract mosquitos. That sucks.
If you can sleep on government land, that's the best, but I don't really worry about who owns the land. Leave no trace, and everybody's happy. BLM/State/National Forest land is the best, though, because it's legal, and usually prettier than some farm. Unless you're sure of your camping and defense skills, don't go too far out into the wilderness. There are weird people out there, and nature isn't forgiving.
Sleeping in town is no fun. Let's start from the outer ring and go in to the middle. If you sleep at the edge of town, you are likely to be stumbled upon by a bunch of drunk, possibly horny dudes who are trying not to get caught drinking by their wives. If you sleep in the suburbs, you are likely to get reported by some Karen for disturbing her perfect little world. If you sleep in an older part of town, you're likely to run into some illegal activity, and possibly get mugged. And if you sleep in the downtown/inner city, you'll be one of a thousand other homeless people, many who are mentally ill, and all who are competing for a limited number of benches, porches, doorsteps, and parks.
A note on abandoned houses. If there's not a whole lot of graffiti, and it's not very easily accessed, I'd go for it. Make sure to position yourself in a place where you can get out easily, though. If it has tons of graffiti, litter, old needles, etc., get the fuck out.
But if you do find a good spot, make sure to scope it out before going to bed. Are there multiple escape routes? Sketchy characters hanging around? Shit like that. If all is good, go right ahead. Don't make a fire in the western states during the summer unless there's a fire ring or you have a can or a barrel or something. Grass catches fire easier than you think, and starting a fire around here is a good way to start a hundred-thousand-plus acre fire.
Transportation
Start off hitchhiking. If you're running away, get as far away as you need to, and then you can try other ways to get around. Go to a freeway exit or a gas station and hold out your thumb. If you see somebody with a license plate from a state where you're trying to go, or near there, maybe walk up to them and ask for a ride. It might feel weird at first, but you'll get the hang of it. Also, be careful of who you ride with. Do they look threatening? Deranged? An addict? Don't go with them. The best people to go with are nice old ladies or young couples. Rarely ever do either of those people pick up hitchhikers. Usually I get rides with single dudes, often middle aged, even more often truckers. If you're a girl, the risk is even more elevated. I would not recommend hitchhiking if you don't think you could defend yourself from a big redneck with lots of experience getting in bar fights. There are too many creeps out there. Trust your instincts.
The summer of 2019 was the first (and only so far) time I traveled with a partner full-time. Annie and I were looking for a ride in Twin Falls, Idaho in September, and not having much luck. It took a day and a half, but finally we got a ride with an old dude who said his name was Benny and he was bound for Portland. Well, we went with him, because we really had no choice, even though I had a weird feeling about him. All was good until the stretch of nothingness in between Ontario and Baker City. He pulled off a highway exit called Weatherby, saying he had to go to the bathroom, but instead he turned up a one-lane gravel road and pulled out a gun, saying he'd shoot if we tried to flee. He took us way back in the woods to a hidden cove about 20 miles off the freeway, where he tried to tie me up. Thankfully, he turned his back on Annie, and she kicked him in the crotch and then in the head. Let me tell you, you do not want to be kicked anywhere on your body with steel-toed boots. We took his truck back to the interstate and then begged a ride with a trucker at the rest stop. I don't know what became of Benny, but that was a fucking horrible experience. He was after Annie, not me, and I don't think he was going to play patty-cake with her.
Trainhopping. Is dangerous. Is unreliable. But I love it. Get a mentor, and don't almost lose a finger like I did. Head on over to the advice directory on vagabond, there's some amazing stuff over there.
Hiking is slow, but great when you're in a remote, beautiful area. In 2019, I took 6 days to hike from Silverton, Colorado, to Monte Vista. 124 miles. It was insanely tiring though, even for two very fit teenagers.
Biking is faster than hiking, by quite a bit. I once biked from my hometown near Sacramento to Truckee in two days. After that I ditched the bike (it was free from the side of the interstate) and hopped a train out. Too much uphill travel, from 0 feet above sea level up to 7,500, and then back down to 6,000. All in about 120 miles.
By far the most novel method of travel I've tried is by boat. I floated/motored down the Mississippi River in 2019 from Memphis to New Orleans, almost 650 miles. I had a tiny metal rowboat with an outboard motor that worked maybe half the time. Annie and I averaged about 65 miles a day, stopping in pretty much every little village along the way and taking turns sleeping at night. It was kind of like Huck Finn, but with a noisy and finnicky motor. If I were to do it again I'd do it more Huckleberry-like, taking my time with a raft, and maybe an electric motor. Still, it was a great experience, and I'd recommend it if you can get your hands on a boat.
There are others, but I won't talk about them here.
People are Weird and Creepy and Horrible
Adults are pedophiles. Just assume that every adult will try to make an advance on you. Sorry to all y'all great adults, but it's better safe than sorry. Even as a 6'1" male, I've had random dudes and even a woman once try to seduce me. Annie and the other female partners I've traveled with have it even worse. When you're trainhopping and hitchhiking, it's unavoidable that you'll be travelling through the bad part of town. Almost every city has it, but especially cities in California and the Rust Belt. I don't have much experience with the East Coast, but I saw some pretty bad ghettos in Baltimore and Philly during my short stay there. NOLA has it really bad. The neighborhoods there have gotten a triple gut punch - they were already ghettos, they're mostly black, meaning society ignores their issues, and they were devastated by Hurricane Katrina in 2005. The ghettos anywhere have trafficking, murders, muggings, crazed homeless dudes, and more. Keep a low profile and stay away from shady characters (drug dealers/gang members).
If you get a bad feeling from someone, just nope the fuck out. Walk away if you're in a railyard or a gas station, or ask to get out if you're hitchhiking. Usually they'll let you out, but if they don't, say something about how you forgot that you were supposed to meet your (big stocky club bouncer) friend at the last freeway exit, and if you don't, they'll get worried. Works 9/10 times.
I'm going to let Annie write a section here on some of her experiences with creepy adults.

The summer of 2019 was the first time I had vagabonded. I needed to get away from my foster home, and I knew what SugarBowlSkier (Let's call him Jimmy) was doing, so I asked to come along with him. He said ok, and we left a couple days after the last day of school. We took a bus to Reno (had gotten almost free tickets from an old road buddy of Jimmy's who had to cancel). We were walking around a sketchy warehouse area east of the downtown, on our way to the Sparks yard, and Jimmy had ducked behind a building to take a leak. Some dude who had been in the shadows somewhere walked out and grabbed my boob. I punched him and yelled, and Jimmy came running back. I got out of that one fine, but I was fucking scared after that. Just 5 hours after leaving home. It might seem like I'm writing this easily, but it's fucking painful to talk about it.
Jimmy mentioned the horrible experience with the motherfucker named Benny. That was by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I cried for days after that. The trucker who we got a ride with from the rest stop took us back to Nampa, where we hopped a train to Pocatello. We stayed in a motel there for almost a week, just collecting ourselves. I didn't hitchhike any more on that trip, but I have hitchhiked a couple times since that time.
In a rail jungle in Atlanta, one of the guys in the jungle pulled out his dick in my face. He was tossed out of the camp.
There have been other incidents, but not as bad as those.
-"Annie"

That's all true. I have to mention one thing about the time in Atlanta. The guy was literally thrown out of the camp. Four people grabbed each of his arms/legs and tossed him. Don't fuck around like that creep did.
The Law
Running away is illegal. No question about it. Stay away from cops, for more reason than one. A cop tried to arrest me for being a "public nuisance", whatever that is, in Billings once. I was sleeping in a park during the daytime. I just ran. Thankfully the cop was fat AF, so it was easy to run around the corner and jump a fence into somebody's backyard. If you're black, cops are 90% of the time your worst enemy. Even more so if you're black and homeless. I'm a white guy (technically half Mexican, but I didn't learn that until recently), so I can't offer any advice on that, and I won't try to. Just stay safe, whatever that means. If you're a runaway and trainhopping, that's double illegal, so work even harder to keep a low profile. Don't do drugs, even marijuana (even if it's legal, cops don't like it), don't drink (do as I say not as I do), and if you see anything illegal going on get the fuck out. The fuzz will suspect you if you're near the scene of a crime, and even if they don't you'll be questioned, and then they'll most likely realize you're a runaway.
A note on alcohol: I am not a good example for this. I have drank my fair share of alcohol, and so has Annie. I'm praying my sister doesn't think to look on my phone/computer, because she has no idea. I almost got alcohol poisoning after drinking multiple bottles of tequila (I don't really remember) a couple weeks ago. Alcohol will put you out of your misery... until the next morning. Then all your problems will come right back even worse then before, and you'll be fucked. Also, if you get caught, you're going down. So don't drink, kids.
Phones
I don't bring a phone while on the road. To me it's just another thing that ties me to our fucked up society, and a distraction. Also you can be tracked with a cell phone even if you turn location data off. I know that my parents wouldn't try to track me, but I am very worried that the government might try to put me, my sister, and Annie in a foster home if they realize our situation.
Housing
This might seem like a weird section to put in a post about being on the road, but the reality is that you won't be able to run away forever. The first time I ran away, I came back in late August and lived with my parents and sister for a winter. That's probably not an option for most runaways. The next summer I was on the road again, and then I came back to live with them again. Around Christmas (when else) I had to go down to Fresno for a week for a job, and when I came back my parents had kicked out my sister and skipped town. I flipped out and drove to where she said they had moved to (I'm not going to reveal the location because it's a very small town), and got in a bad fight with my dad. He was on some sort of drug, so he wasn't very coherent, but I gathered that he and my mom had split up. He went to the tiny town, and she went to Vegas, where it seems like every fuck-up in the world ends up. I went back home and tried to figure out what to do.
My sister and I slept in the bed of my truck for about a month, and I ended up getting a distant family member to rent a tiny apartment for me and my sister, with me paying. I only did it that way because you can't rent a house as a minor. I lived there with my sister for the rest of the winter, but when summer came my sister told me that I had to go on the road. She saw how overworked and depressed I was, being cooped up in my little town, while balancing school and a job to support two people. Bless her soul for that. She went to live with some relatives for the summer while Annie and I went on the road. When school started but I was still gone, she went back home and lived with a friend until I came back. After that summer, I rented another house, this time slightly bigger, but still tiny by anybody's standards, and Annie moved in with us. It's a lot nicer now that there's two people with jobs in the household. I won't let my sister get a job for various reasons. She's too young to have all that responsibility.
It's hard living like this, but we make do. When my sister and I first rented the house, we could've moved somewhere else and rented for several times less, but I wanted to stay in my hometown. For all it's faults, it's where I was raised, and it's where my few friends are. I could be living like a king in Bakersfield, but here I am, doing my math homework with pencils scavenged out of the gutter. I have second thoughts about staying almost every day, but it was the right choice for my family. Now, I'm facing eviction, and that whole plan has been turned on it's head.
Suggestions on housing. Get something as cheap as possible, even if it's in a bad neighborhood. The first apartment I rented was in a pretty average neighborhood. When we had to upsize slightly to accommodate Annie, we moved to a dumpy little road in the country. The people here are pretty nice, though. It has the major disadvantage of being far from town, and without a reliable car, I have to get up at 3:00 every morning to bike to town and make my 5:00 AM shift at my job, which ends at 8. I'm sometimes late to online school, but what can you do? I end up working about 8-10 hours a day on weekdays, about 14-16 on Saturday, and then Sunday is my day off, only 6-8 hours.
I also will do landscaping jobs whenever we're hurting for money, but that's less reliable and hard to fit into my schedule.
Annie works (at a different place than me) from 8:00 PM to 4:00 AM every weekday. We're both insanely sleep-deprived and overworked 24/7/365, but still pretty much broke. Remember, this is "Realities", not "Dreams". If you want to support yourself, you'll have to work at least 60 hours a week, most likely more. I get paid minimum wage at both my jobs (gas station and farm), Annie slightly above. If you're alone, you should try and find an organization that will take you in. I've got a family member on the board of directors of a boy's home, and although they struggle a lot, it sounds better for the boys than being on the streets.
I guess we're kind of like parents to my sister, although we aren't romantically involved. It sure is a taxing job to be a parent to a rebellious teenage girl. I could write a whole article on unconventional parenting situations, but I'll save it for another time.
School
Don't kid yourself. You will not be able to go to school while running away. It doesn't matter what the law says, you will be reported and sent home if you try to enroll in school. I don't know about online school, however. I'm not anything of a tech wizard, so I have no idea if they'd be able to track you if you keep logging on. I try to be on the road only when school is out, but it doesn't always work out that way. In 2019, I didn't get back home until early October. That kind of sucked, because I missed over a month of school.
Here at home, I get by with school, even though I work 74+ hours a week and get maybe 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. I never skip classes, and usually pull low B's and sometimes high C's. It's not going to get me into Harvard, but then again I won't be able to afford even community college. One of my two jobs (the non-farm one) is at a gas station, and I can tell you that working the graveyard shift at a gas station in a small town is the MOST. FUCKING. BORING. Job ever. It does give me a lot of time to do homework, browse Reddit, and listen to punk music. So if you ever walk into a gas station near Sacramento and hear The Offspring quickly being shut off, say hi to me.
I don't know if anybody at school beyond my one or two closest friends knows my situation. It's not exactly a secret, but I don't go shouting around the halls about it either. I don't care much for the whole popularity thing, but if I did I'm sure living in a half-abandoned house with no parents and working at a gas station would not win me any favors. My sister is more worried about that shit, I can't fathom why. But she does it without being a jerk like many popular kids, so I can't judge.
Crossing Borders
This may seem kind of off-topic, but for one reason or another, it's something that I've found comes into play quite a bit when you're on the road.
State borders are easy. 90% of the time you'll just drive right over them. On busy roads in some states (like my state of California) they have agricultural inspection stations, where they prohibit you from bringing most vegetables, nuts, and fruit into the state to avoid these. There's no real danger to get found out with these, as long as you do what they said and don't panic. It's literally just telling them, "No sir, I do not have any produce with me."
National borders are trickier. I've got no experience legally crossing national borders, but I know that you need your passport in 99% of places (I think San Diego and Tijuana might have some arrangement). I have, however, snuck over both the Canadian and Mexican border briefly. I'm not going to tell you how to do it, because it's highly illegal, but I will say this: don't do it. This is another thing where you should do as I say, not as I do, because if you are caught on the other side of the border without a passport, you will be sent to jail and then tried.
My mom was an undocumented immigrant. She ran away from Mexicali at 16, and ended up in Anchorage, a prostitute and a heroin addict. I only learned this a couple days ago, and I haven't seen her in years, but if I ever do see her again, I would like to ask her about her experience. I know that it was successful, though.
Another reason not to cross the Mexican border: Mexico is fucking dangerous. In Agua Prieta, I heard way more gunshots in the two nights I was there than the two nights I spent right outside of Skid Row in LA. In Piedras Negras, I swam across the Rio Grande just to say I'd done it, and although I was only over there for about 6 hours, I saw the most poverty that I've ever seen. My last border experience was perhaps the worst. A couple days after Piedras Negras, I wanted to try it out again, so I swam from Laredo to Nuevo Laredo. It was hard avoiding the border patrol, who were hidden all over, but I managed to get across OK. I wandered around Nuevo for a while, and then realized it was getting dark, and I didn't want to be there during the night. I walked the mile or so back to the river, but it was swarming with US and Mexican government people. My best guess is that there was a crime or something, or maybe somebody drowned.
Either way, I couldn't get back that way, so I figured I'd have to walk either north or south out of town. I didn't want to be walking around at night, though, so I chose to sleep in a nice-looking park next to a hospital. At around 2:00 AM, I was woken up by screaming, and then a couple minutes later sirens. I was sleeping without a sleeping bag or anything since the low was above 80 degrees that night, so I was able to get the fuck out in about 30 seconds. I ran/walked the 2 or so miles to a golf course next to the river, which I snuck across and then swam across the river. It was fucking crazy. I never found out what happened at the park, or what caused the patrollers to be all over the area. It would've been mid-July 2018, I think. Anybody know anything? All three of those times were in 2018, and I haven't crossed into Mexico since, and I don't plan to again.
Mental Health
Being on the streets is lonely. It helps if you're with a partner, but if you're alone, you can go weeks without any meaningful contact with others. I like that, but I know it can be hard for people. I saw somebody make a very good point in a thread here recently. When you're hitchhiking, you're kind of acting as that person's anonymous therapist. They will never see you again, and neither of you have any idea who the other is, so they're free to pour their heart out to you. It can be hard hearing about that. I've ridden with people who were falsely charged with murder, have attempted suicide, and even a man with terminal cancer.
For me though, being on the streets helps my mental health more than it hurts it. I've been very depressed at points in my life, and several times the only thing standing in between me and suicide was the thought that my sister would have nobody to support her. Being sedentary sucks, and I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I've been at home for almost 500 days due to COVID, with only two or three opportunities to get out. Late winter and spring were the hardest, but surprisingly the pandemic made it better. I didn't have to be an outcast at school every day, and I had more time to work, meaning we were in a better financial situation. I can't express how thankful I am that I wasn't laid off of either of my jobs, as so many people were. We'd be in a bad fucking situation if that happened.
Another thing that can bring you down mentally is seeing the underbelly of our society. You'll be walking through the metaphorical and literal back alley of wherever you are. You'll see all the things that make the world bad: junkies, gangs, extreme poverty, trafficking, you name it and it will be encountered. The worst I've experienced this was in Stockton, one of the most dangerous and poor cities in the US. Every alley holds a junkie shooting up on their poison of choice, gang violence has decimated the south part of the city, and parts of South Stockton look worse than Detroit. Even if this doesn't affect you physically, it really takes a toll on you mentally.
Overview
Running away is dangerous, hard, and illegal. You should only do it if it provides a better situation than the one you are in. Carry protection, probably a knife, but don't call people's bluff. Don't get involved in prostitution, no matter how desperate you are. Trust your instincts about people. If they give you a bad feeling, get away from them. If you are a girl, you most likely will be sexually harassed, and possibly raped. Stay away from cops, don't do anything illegal, and especially don't cross borders. You won't be able to go to school on the road. Eventually you'll have to settle down somewhere, so have a plan for that. Will you be 18 by then? If so, that makes it a lot easier.
I've been dumb. I've made bad decisions. Many of them. That's probably led to me having a worse-than-average experience. But I hope that y'all can learn from my mistakes and do it better.
I know that there are going to be people who go through my whole account just to shut me down, so I'm just going to say that you will find discrepancies. I don't mention my situation unless it's called for. People feel sorry for me, and I hate it. If a person is going to take the time to search my post history, they deserve to know my story.
I'm going to finish with a quote from my second grade teacher and pretty much everyone since: "Life isn't fair."