Hey all, on my first playthrough and I got completely and utterly side-tracked from the story to pursue the LOTE outfit because I enjoy side quests and challenges and doing things you’re not supposed to do (despite Rockstar’s best efforts) a little too much. I’ve been helped so much by the RDR2 Reddit and YouTube communities that I wanted to give back a little and also help those who have just started playing this amazing game a couple years late like me.
Note: There may be minor spoilers for Chs.2 & 3 below!
There are so many great resources out there, that I don’t intend for this to be a detailed comprehensive guide, but mostly a compilation of helpful tips & resources I’ve picked up along the way on this long adventure. I completed the challenges as early as possible in Ch.3 as Arthur as of 2/7/2021 in version 1.26 on a PS4 Pro, so it’s still possible!
Arthur, you deserve this.
I completed all of the challenges after the Fisher of Men mission in Ch.2 except for those locked behind other missions. Sharpshooter challenges 6-10 are locked behind The Sheep and the Goats, since you acquire a long-scoped rifle in that mission (though there are tricks to get a Rolling Block Rifle even earlier). Bandit challenges 6-10 are locked behind Horse Flesh for Dinner, since that’s where you unlock the horse fence.
I’ll note some ways you can be efficient and you may notice that I tried to frequent the same areas for a lot of the challenges: Little Creek Valley/Hanging Dog Ranch, Emerald Ranch, the big island across from Clemens Point

Bandit Tips
I’m doing a high honor playthrough, so this guide was my main starting point.
Here are my additional tips:
Bandit 1 - Hold up 5 townsfolk
Do this in Van Horn (no law around), note that some citizens are armed and will shoot at you, but you can just run away and come back.
Bandit 3 - Rob the cash register in any 4 shops in one day
I followed this guide to avoid a bounty. You won’t get any money though.
Bandit 5 - Amass $250 bounty in one state
If you start the challenges as early as possible as I did, save the Blessed are the Meek? mission for this challenge. You should get the $250 bounty easy.
Bandit 7 - Rob $50 worth of cash and valuables from townsfolk and travelers
Unfortunately I had already been pickpocketed in St. Denis twice (tailor and gunsmith) and I couldn’t get the Van Horn pickpocket to trigger (saloon), so I did the Annesburg station to the long tunnel trick for an easy no bounty robbery.
Bandit 8 - Steal 7 wagons and sell them to the Fence at Emerald Ranch
I used this tip from the comments in the main guide I used to make it go faster:

The Emerald Ranch stagecoach loop doesn't even require a camp where you "don't" sleep. I leave the fence and sprint full speed via the railroad tracks. You will not see the stagecoach respawned yet, but when I am close to the train station, at about the lone tree on the right hand side, I turn my back on where the stagecoach should be and when I turn around it has materialized.

It didn’t always work, so I did have to use the no sleep trick from the guide for some of the coaches.
Bandit 9 - Hogtie someone and leave them on the railroad 3 times
You can actually just use the same person three times. Cut them free, let them run around a little bit, tackle and hogtie them and drop them on the track again. I just used an O’Driscoll.
Bandit 10 - Rob 5 trains
I used this tip from the comments in the linked guide. I didn’t lose honor at all and there was no bounty:

I have found that all you have to do for a train robbery to count is to just take anything at all. You don't have to rob any people at all! I just went to the second-to-last car and took a can of fruit or pack of cigarettes, rinsed and repeated.

Explorer Tips
This one is super easy. I used the PowerPyx guide though most online guides should be fine.
The only potentially tricky part is getting the High Stakes Treasure Map guy to spawn. You can see potential spawn points in the PowerPyx guide. I actually ran into him twice and let him ride off before getting the map from him the third time, so it is possible to run into him at least three times. Each time was around Strawberry and Wallace Station. To get the map, I ran full speed at him and bumped him and the map went into my inventory (no honor loss).

Gambler Tips
This guide was my main starting point.
Gambler 4 - Bust one poker location out in each location
My only tip to make this faster is to sit at a table with a lot of players. You can always ride away and come back and the table will reset. Target those with less money.
Gambler 5 - Win 3 rounds of dominoes without drawing any tiles against 2 or fewer opponents
I recommend Emerald Ranch for all Domino challenges as Draw is the easiest to learn and play.
Gambler 8 - Win three hands of Blackjack with three hits or more
I got super lucky on this one (15 minutes), so good luck! I don’t know if the game rewarded me for this, but I didn’t just hit if it didn’t make sense (like if I started with two face cards). Definitely hit with aces as they can count for either 1 or 11. I think my three wins came when I started with an ace and a low number card.
Gambler 9 - Win three games of dominoes in a row
I recommend Emerald Ranch, but especially when there is only one opponent (ride away and come back if there are two). Try and keep track of the numbers and if you can, play the same numbers at the end of the snake that have mostly been used up. This can cause your opponent to draw nearly all of the remaining tiles and get you a lot of points and an easy win. I think one time I got 60+ points in one round. Definitely stand up and leave if you are about to lose, but on your turn, not your opponent’s turn or else it’ll be too late.
Gambler 10 - Win three hands of Poker in a row
Several people suggested Flatneck Station for this one or your camp, but Flatneck Station was what worked for me. Every time I went all-in at camp, someone else did too instead of folding.

Herbalist Tips
Fairly easy challenges that really don’t require much guidance, except for the infamous Herbalist 9, see below.
Herbalist 9 - Pick one of each species of herb
Ah yes, the four herbs (Wild Feverfew, Blackcurrant, Red Sage, Desert Sage) that are the only things standing between Arthur and the LOTE outfit.
The two main methods to get the four herbs in New Austin are with a covered wagon or a St. Denis buggy. I believe Unlockable Eden Gaming pioneered the method, but these are the guides I found most helpful.

Petko’s Getting Into and Driving Around New Austin (Buggy Method)
Petko's Picking Plants in New Austin (Buggy Method)
Dmitry Shepel’s Plant Locations (Wagon Method)
Jimbotron’s Detailed and Comprehensive Guide (Wagon Method)

Though it sounds like many have been successful with the wagon (and the Jimbotron video makes some good arguments for the wagon), I opted for the buggy for several reasons.

Availability – I tried some of the tricks to spawn the covered wagon consistently and it was never that consistent. It never took me more than a minute to get a buggy from St. Denis. I figured even though the distance from St. Denis to New Austin was much farther, there was less frustration and the amount of time between runs was probably about the same as I was not spending time saving and reloading or sleeping or running around Strawberry to get the wagon to spawn. Unfortunately, I had completed the Appleseed Timber Co. sidequests so their wagon was unavailable. Maybe I would have felt differently if I could have used their wagon.
Speed & Maneuverability – The buggy is faster and much easier to maneuver than the wagon. It makes getting in New Austin much easier and also avoiding the law easier.
Camera Control – This may be a personal preference, but I never had a problem with the camera zooming in on Arthur with the buggy, while with the wagon it seemed to zoom in on him much more frequently.

My personal experience with Herbalist 9:
After a couple of unsuccessful runs with both the buggy and the wagon (either getting randomly sniped or shot up by lawmen in New Austin), I decided to just stick with the buggy. My first successful run I picked 3 out of the 4 plants, which was exciting. I died when I went over a small drop, ejecting me from the buggy which resulted in getting sniped in the head. My second run I picked the last plant (Desert Sage—it spawns the furthest in) and went for the Prairie Poppy instead of doing the Blackwater campfire method, so I can’t comment on how effective that method is.
My personal tips for Herbalist 9:
Crossing the Blackwater region into New Austin

Definitely go through Beecher’s Hope and if you’re using the buggy, you probably don’t even need to take health potions. I never had trouble escaping the Pinkertons with my health intact.
A major tip noted in some videos is to time it somewhat so your Wanted status wears off just as your cross into Thieves’ Landing. The major benefit to doing this is that you won’t run into any lawmen with this method in New Austin. On my first successful run, for some reason I became wanted again (I think the game does it somewhat randomly at times as there was no one near me) just as I crossed the bridge into New Austin. I had to avoid the law while driving and picking plants which was much more stressful. On my second successful run, I had no status when I crossed over and it was a much more peaceful run.

Driving in New Austin

Per Petko’s video, the key is to be in first-person view (i.e., the most zoomed in view, but with first-person turned off) and aim down at the ground. This will keep the sniper from shooting through the wood of your buggy. Try avoid going down steep declines as this will expose the wood part of the buggy and the sniper will get you.
Once you have the driving down, go slow. You won’t get sniped as long as you’re driving correctly, so just try to ignore the sniper and don’t make mistakes like driving too fast and falling off a cliff.
I turned off the vibration on my controller so I wouldn’t be distracted by the sniper shots.

Picking Plants

Line up the plant with your front wheel and use photo mode to confirm that it’s in the right spot.
Use R1 to backup and try again if you overshoot.
Zoom out to the furthest 3rd-person view and turn your angles to block Arthur (see the many YouTube videos on how to do this). I personally found this part to be fairly forgiving and never got shot while doing this. I did time my dismount right after a shot and that seemed to always work. I got sniped way more while driving badly.

I definitely recommend keeping track of the herbs you’ve picked somewhere (I used OneNote on my phone). For the rest of the plants I used PowerPyx again.
Herbalist 10 - Season and cook all 11 types of meat
Probably the only two meats I had to go out of my way a little bit to get were:

Exotic Bird Meat – I got mine from a pelican at the Annesburg docks
Crustacean Meat – Took a canoe to the island off of Clemens Point (where the iguanas are) and killed a crab there

Horseman Tips
Overall a fairly easy set of challenges. I did all of them with my white Arabian that I got very early on. I don’t have much to add to what’s out there except for the following tips:
Horseman 4 - While mounted, drag a victim for 3300 feet using your lasso
For high honor, just grab an O’Driscoll or Lemoyne Raider and they will definitely die, but just keep going until the challenge pops.
Horseman 7 - Kill 7 enemies from horseback without dismounting
Use a gang hideout. I used Six-Point Cabin.
Horseman 8 - Kill 9 predators from horseback
Gators in the bayou are the way to go.
Horseman 9 - Ride from Van Horn to Blackwater in less than 17 minutes without touching any water
I found this guide to be the most helpful.
You definitely need to stock up on Potent Health Tonics (though I probably used only around 3-5) and I would disagree with the guide in just taking a straight path through Tall Trees. Only go off the roads once you get to the plains of Blackwater as it’s easy to hit a rock or tree if you go off the road in the Tall Trees region (which is why I failed my first run). Honestly stick to the roads if it’s easier for you and don’t be afraid to take the Health Tonics liberally. In my experience it’s pretty hard for the Pinkertons to kill you if you’re taking the tonics and riding fast, even if you stick to the roads. It’s way better to waste some tonics than dying or going off road and falling and then having to restart the run. I was able to do this on my second run.
Horseman 10 - Break every wild horse breed
First off, I got every horse without having to go to Blackwater or go off map. Here’s where I got mine.

American Standardbred, Appaloosa, Kentucky Saddler, Morgan – Little Creek Valley, ride from the east to the west and back and different groups will spawn.
Tennessee Walker – I kind of forget where I got this one, I think either where I looked for Mustangs or Hungarian Half-breds, but it’s pretty common so you shouldn’t have trouble.
Nokota – I used Jimbotron’s guide.
American Paint – I used Jimbotron’s guide.
Mustang – I used Jimbotron’s guide, but they are actually pretty common. I’ve also seen them in Little Creek Valley as well after I finished this challenge.
Hungarian Half-bred – Supposedly the hardest to get, but I broke one really early on when I was hunting for bison near Heartland Overflow before I had Horseman 10 active, and before I knew it was hard to get. I went back to the location in the screenshot below and found two of them there, so I think it’s a pretty common spawn for this horse, though it’s not 100%. The spawn point should be in the middle of a cluster of trees.

https://preview.redd.it/b1xa2jqymeg61.jpg?width=3840&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=660aab100e1546cea46f6866701cc82f88a10fb9
If you have any trouble breaking horses, I found that this tip has never failed me: Just hold the stick in the 5 o’clock position while spamming the calm button.

Master Hunter Tips
Hunting was my first love in RDR2, so I have a soft spot for these challenges. Also this was the first set I completed. Most are pretty straightforward.
Master Hunter 6 - Kill 5 cougars with your bow, then skin them
I used this guide for consistent cougar spawns. The only comment I have is that the cougar won’t always spawn by the rock, but will sometimes spawn further up.
If you’re trying to knock out the challenges as quickly as possible, be careful when using poison arrows. Incapacitating a cougar with a poison arrow and then killing it with your knife won’t count as an arrow kill. You can however walk up to the dying cougar and headshot it with an arrow (I recommend Improved Arrows) to have it count toward the challenge. A clean headshot with an Improved Arrow is my preference over shooting it with poison arrows as it’ll yield a perfect pelt more consistently in my experience.
Master Hunter 7 - Use bait to lure and kill both a herbivore and predator
The interesting note is that boars count as predators. I killed a deer and a boar for this challenge.
Master Hunter 8 - Catch 3 small fish without using a fishing rod
I used a bow and arrow as I think dynamite lowers your honor.

Sharpshooter Tips
Sharpshooter 3 - Kill 5 flying birds while on a moving train
The only important tip is to make sure the train is moving. If you are reported for disturbing the peace (which will often happen once you start shooting) the train will slow and stop and your kills won’t count. There’s no point is trying to shoot more birds once that happens, so just run away and try again.
Sharpshooter 4 - Kill someone at 80 feet away with a tomahawk
I used a random four-person O’Driscoll camp. The key tip in my experience is using an Improved or Homing Tomahawk. I used a Homing. When I used a regular, it would miss pass 80 ft. Here’s the Reddit tip I used:

The way I did it is to have a full deadeye meter. Go into it, tag the targets head at the furthest range you can, then just back up while staying in deadeye. As long as he's not charging at you, when the meter runs out, he'll throw it and still get the kill, well past 80ft away.

Sharpshooter 5 - Kill 6 animals without switching or reloading your weapon
I did this on a bunch of turkeys and random animals near Emerald Ranch. You can go into Deadeye once, but don’t go into it again or else you’ll reload. Also pairs wells with Survivalist 3.
Sharpshooter 6 - Kill someone at least 660 feet away with a long scoped rifle
Based on a tip I found elsewhere (can't remember the source), I went to this island in the middle of the Little Creek River and shot the guard on the windmill platform at Hanging Dog Ranch using a Rolling Block Rifle. Easy peasy.
https://preview.redd.it/s4ztr2veneg61.jpg?width=3840&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4caf452066d9167d58b2d6e6cb4e1a3e636fdc84
Sharpshooter 7 - Get 7 headshots in a row
Right after Sharpshooter 6, I stayed in the area and killed 7 deer or pronghorns around Little Creek Valley. It’s easier than human enemies in my opinion and you can skin in between kills without resetting the counter (can’t pass up the extra vension).
Sharpshooter 8 - Disarm 3 enemies without reloading or switching your weapon
Based on other’s people’s advice, I went to Cornwall Kerosene & Tar and l and went up this hill near the guards. I pulled out my Lancaster repeater that I modified with a short scope and shot one of the guards in the elbow. Then I ran away up the hill until the red enemy indicator disappeared. Rinse and repeat.
https://preview.redd.it/fb60ybfaoeg61.jpg?width=3840&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=44d621eebcde95c954eef72eff114018d974d333
Probably could just as easily work on the front gate guards at Hanging Dog Ranch, but I had to go to Valentine anyways to get a scope from the gunsmith.
Sharpshooter 9 - Shoot 3 people’s hats off in the same Dead Eye use
Although I did have Level 3 Dead Eye at this point, this guide works great for those with Level 2 Dead Eye and there's no bounty!
Sharpshooter 10 - Kill 3 flying birds with 3 consecutive long scoped rifle shots
This does not have to be in the same Dead Eye, so it’s really not bad. I did this near Annesburg, since I had just finished Sharpshooter 9, but Emerald Ranch is probably a good location since it has lots of birds and other guides mentioned north of St. Denis, since herons are large and fly slower than other birds.

Survivalist Tips
Survivalist 3 - Kill 5 animals with a varmint rifle
Pairs well with Sharpshooter 5, see above.
Survivalist 4 - Craft a dynamite, fire, improved, poison, and small game arrow
See a pamphlet location guide for the pamphlets. Just remember to read them!
Survivalist 6 - Kill a scavenging animal while it is feeding a corpse 5 times
This is great to pair with Weapons Expert 3. Kill an animal and then tomahawk the ravens or birds of prey that come. I recommend Emerald Ranch area as it’s very open and there is plenty of wildlife near the Heartland Overflow.
Survivalist 7 - Kill 8 small game animals with consecutive shots, using small game arrows
By the way, you can’t save and reload if you miss, it’ll reset the counter. It has to all be done in one go. The location that seemed pretty easy for me was again the island west of Clemens Point where you find iguanas. When I went to the shipwreck location on that island, a group of crows kept on circling in the area and I was able to grab most of my kills there. Don’t shoot the iguanas as they often won’t die from one small game arrow. Go for birds and if you’re looking for perfect snake pelts you can risk some water snakes near the shipwreck.
Survivalist 8 - Craft a homing tomahawk, improved tomahawk, volatile dynamite, and volatile fire bottle
Again, refer to a pamphlet location guide. The only tricky material here is the owl feather for the Homing Tomahawk. I found mine at night near Emerald Ranch. They can circle overhead or one can be sitting in the loft window of the barn.
Survivalist 9 - Catch a fish that weighs at least 19 lbs
If you’re going for early completion, most likely you haven’t caught all the Legendary Fish at this point. Save one of the big ones to easily complete this challenge. But if you have caught all the Legendary Fish already, don’t despair, I actually caught a couple fish for Survivalist 10 that were over 19 lbs.
Three helpful fishing tips:

You can go into your accessibility options and change the reel button to be a simple button press (Square on the PS4) rather than rotating your stick.
When the fish is not fighting, flick your stick down to pull the fish toward you then release, pause, and then repeat. You’ll make big gains in distance each time.
This may seem obvious, but don’t cast the line too far out unless necessary. Don’t make the battle longer than needed.

My first legendary fish legit took like 10 minutes, but after reading about how to fish more efficiently and implementing the tips above, fishing even the largest fish took like a minute or two tops.
Survivalist 10 - Catch one of each type of fish throughout the world
You could knock out most of the Legendary Fish in pursuit of this goal, but if you’re going for a quicker completion (as I was), I just used these fishing maps and only picked up Legendary Fish if they were nearby or if I had trouble catching a particular species.

Weapons Expert Tips
Stocking up on Potent Health Cures is recommended as running into a gang hideout and hogtying everyone can make a lot of these challenges super easy. Hanging Dog Ranch and Six Point Cabin are great locations to get these done.
Weapons Expert 1 - Kill 3 enemies with a knife
I only had one knife kill from an earlier mission, so I went to Six Point Cabin, popped a Potent Health Cure and stabbed some fools.
Weapons Expert 2 - Kill 3 enemies in 10 seconds using only throwing knives
After Weapons Expert 1 popped in my assault on Six Point Cabin, I cleared out the camp except for four guys, hogtied them, and went for headshots for an easy completion.
Weapons Expert 3 - Kill 3 birds of prey using only a tomahawk
Pair this Survivalist 6 to be efficient since ravens count as birds of prey.
Weapons Expert 4 - Kill 10 enemies with a shotgun using crafted ammo
I returned to Six Point Cabin and used Incendiary Buckshot. You can get the pamphlet at Copperhead Landing.
Weapons Expert 5 - Kill 5 mounted enemies, using 1 throwing knife per kill
This is probably not so helpful, but I did this during a mission (Pouring Forth Oil IV) as I didn’t want to stir up trouble into order to get lawmen or bounty hunters coming after me. A lot of missions involve mounted enemies, so if you want to avoid unnecessary bounties and keep a high honor, I recommend doing this challenge through missions.
Weapons Expert 6 - Kill 4 enemies at the same time with a single stick of dynamite
I did another run at Six Point Cabin, and went crazy hogtying people to do this challenge and the next one. You can use a Volatile Dynamite if you’re worried about getting all four at once as it has a wider range. I stacked five guys just to be safe.
Weapons Expert 7 - Kill 4 consecutive enemies by throwing and retrieving the same tomahawk
I lined up five hogtied guys and used an Improved Tomahawk for an easier kill, though if you aim for the head it shouldn’t matter. Some people mentioned that it’s best only to have one in your inventory so the game doesn’t accidentally replace the one you’re picking up, but I had multiple Improved Tomahawks and it wasn’t really an issue.
Weapons Expert 8 - Kill 15 enemies using a long-barreled sidearm
Make sure to modify one of your pistols with a long barrel at the Gunsmith. I went to Hanging Dog Ranch to do this one as there are more enemies. I cleared out the place, but I would recommend against doing that as it’ll take a few days for the whole gang to come back. I recommend killing half of the required count, riding away and coming back, so that the whole gang respawns. Then complete rest of the challenge and ride away again. If you do this, it’ll flow right into the next challenge.
Weapons Expert 9 - Kill 9 unaware enemies from behind, using the bow
Approach Hanging Dog Ranch from the west and use Improved Arrows if you want to ensure your kills, though Regular Arrows should work fine. There are two easy kills. One is the O’Driscoll that wanders outside of the stables. Make sure his back is at least mostly turned to you (head-on kills won’t count). The other is the guard on the windmill platform who is always in the same stationary position. You should get at least two kills each time, though you can sometimes get more depending on the patrol patterns.
Weapons Expert 10 - Kill a grizzly bear without taking damage, using only throwing knives
There’s a consistent grizzly spawn point not too far east of Hanging Dog Ranch between Watson’s Cabin and Wallace Station, so you can flow right into this challenge after the last one. Here’s what I did. I let the grizzly charge me, went into Dead Eye and threw a Poison Throwing Knife to incapacitate him. Then I switched to an Improved Throwing Knife and did a headshot. Boom. Done.

Bonus: Silver Dapple Pinto MFT in Chapter 2
I don’t think the Moonstone Pond glitch works any more as of 1.26. I tried for about an hour and could never get it to work.
The Arcadia for Amateurs – III method does work though! I didn’t have any luck with the tracking method, though from YouTube comments, it looks like people aren’t having any trouble even as of last week. Here’s the method I used and it was pretty easy. I was able to do it on the first try.

Thanks for reading and now it's time to do other things in the wonderful world of RDR2!

I live in a small mining town in the mountains of Colorado. Someone is building a massive casino nearby, Pictures Included

I grew up in a small mountain town named Eureka. It was founded in the late 1800s during the gold rush, but after the mines dried up the town began its slow descent into decay. Half the houses are empty or abandoned now.
You can see a picture of the kind of houses here in Eureka:
First house
Second house
When a massive construction project began nearby, it was the talk of the town for weeks. Why would they build something in a sleepy dying town like Eureka? It wasn’t until my sister Selene talked to a few construction workers that we discovered they were building a casino.
A casino up in the mountains, over two hours away from Denver. None of us could understand why they’d chosen here of all places. After a few months of work, the casino was done.
I took a picture of the town with the completed casino in the background to the right. The ten-story-structure sticks out like a sore thumb off in the distance.
Town+Casino
After the casino opened, they hired a few dozen members of the town, offering high paying jobs to work as dealers or cleaning staff. I was already employed as a firefighter, but my sister Selene got a job as a blackjack dealer. She’s a widow with two young kids, so the paycheck was a real lifesaver.
Still, something about the situation seemed too good to be true. The jobs over there paid far too well, and the management was far too accommodating. The fire station where I work is located high on a hill overlooking the town, so I began watching the casino from a distance each day.
I had initially thought that the casino was located in a terrible location, but I was apparently wrong. True, Eureka was hours from any major city, but despite that, a bus full of people arrived every morning and left every evening.
One night I was over at my parent’s house and had dinner with Selene and her kids. I asked her about her experience as a dealer.
“It’s Ok,” she said. “Just a little boring I guess.”
“Boring?” I asked. “I’m surprised you don’t have your hands full.”
“Why’s that?” she asked. “It’s like you said, Eureka’s too small. I never have people playing cards. The casino is almost always completely empty.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. If the place was always empty, what happened to the people who I’d seen arriving on buses? “I’ve been keeping an eye on the building,” I said. “A bus full of people typically arrives around 9 AM every day.”
“Really?” she asked, looking confused. “If that’s true, I’ve never seen them.
“I can see it from the fire station,” I said. “If you head out for a smoke break at 9 AM, you’ll probably see them arriving.”
“Interesting,” she said. “I’ll do that. If they’re being processed for their organs or something, I’ll let you know.” She laughed.
“Har har,” I said sarcastically.
The next night she sent me a text calling me over. When I arrived, she was nearly breathless with excitement.
“Orin, You were right,” she said. “A big group of people did arrive, but they didn’t walk into my part of the casino. Instead, they all walked into an elevator at the back of the building. I’m not sure where that goes.” She looked thoughtful. “It was weird. They looked… How can I say it? Desperate? Something about the whole situation was very off. I’m gonna check out the elevator tomorrow.”
I told her to be careful, though, to be honest, I was excited to hear about what she discovered. When I visited my parent’s house the next night, I found her two kids there alone. They told me that Selene had never returned from work.
I called all her friends, then all our neighbors, but no one had seen her since she left for work that morning. Our conversations regarding the casino flooded my mind, then a plan began to form.
Early the next morning I walked across town in my nicest pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. I pushed through the door to the casino and saw that Selene wasn’t lying. The place was all but deserted. Three dozen slot machines crowded the walls surrounding a few tables interspersed throughout the floor of the casino. The only players in the whole building were Bob and Donald, two locals.
I walked up to a nearby table where Bridget, a girl I’d gone to high school with, was shuffling cards. She broke into a grin when she saw me. “Hey Orin, you here for a few rounds of blackjack?”
“I wish,” I said. “No, I’m here to ask about Selene. She never made it home last night.”
Bridget’s expression darkened. “Really? Have you asked around?”
“I already called around. Have you seen her?”
She shook her head. “No, our schedules rarely line up. I’ll be sure to let you know if I--” Her eyes focused on something behind me, and she cut herself off.
I turned around to see the casino’s pit boss watching us both. He was a tall thin man in an impeccably clean black suit. When I turned back towards Bridget, she was looking down at the table and shuffling cards absent-mindedly.
“Well, if you hear anything, let me know,” I said.
She nodded, so I turned around and headed for the pit boss. I stuck out my hand. The temperature of his hand was so hot that I had to pull my hand away after a few seconds.
“Have… have you seen my sister Selene?” I asked. “She hasn’t been seen since her shift here yesterday.”
He smiled. “Sir, this floor is for players. You’re more than welcome to head to the tellers for chips, but barring that I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
I stared at him for a long second before stalking towards the door. When I looked back, he was talking with Bridget.
I checked my watch. 8:55 AM, just as I’d planned. I walked around the back of the building and waited as the morning bus pulled around the building. I waited for the telltale hiss of the opening doors and the sound of people descending before I rounded the corner and joined the crowd. None of them paid any particular attention to me as I walked with them into the casino.
The crowd walked through a side door down a hallway to an elevator. Small groups of people entered the elevator as the rest of us waited for our turn. I shot a glance at the casino patrons, surprised at their diversity. There seemed to be people from all different countries and ethnicities. I heard one speaking Japanese and another speaking what sounded like an African language.
My turn came along with a few other patrons in the elevator. A sickly woman hobbled into the elevator beside me carrying an IV that was still connected to one of her veins. We piled in and rode up to the top.
The elevator rose for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure what I would find, but I steeled myself for something horrible. The elevator’s speaker let out a TING, then the doors opened.
We all walked out onto what looked like a standard casino. Another few dozen slot machines ringed the walls, but on this floor, they were almost all occupied by customers. I took in the scene, confused at why they’d have a ground floor that was almost completely empty when this place was almost--
Selene was dealing cards at a nearby table.
I jogged over and sat down at an open seat. None of the players around me paid me much attention.
“Selene!” I said. “Are you OK? Did you spend the night here last night?”
Her eyes were glassy and confused. She looked up at me with a dumb expression and didn’t respond to my question.
“Selene?” I asked.
“What’s your bet?” she asked me. “This table is for blackjack players only.”
“I…” I trailed off, looking at the players around me. None of them were betting with chips of any kind. “What’s the minimum bet?” I asked.
“Three years,” she responded.
“Three years then,” I said, not knowing what that referred to.
Selene nodded, then began dealing cards. I shot a look down at my hand. King and a 9. Selene dealt out cards for herself, showing a 9. I stood, then leaned forward again. “Should I call the police? Are you--”
“Congratulations,” she said tonelessly.
An almost impossibly warm hand grabbed my shoulder. I spun to see the pit boss I’d spoken to earlier. He gave an impressed smile. “Orin, was it? I’m impressed, truly. Would you mind if I had a word with you?”
I shot a look back at Selene who was dealing the next round of cards. Then I got to my feet, balling my hands into fists. “What did you do to her?”
The pit boss clasped his hands behind his back. “Nothing more, and nothing less than what I’m going to do to you. That is, offer you the chance to play.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
The pit boss nodded his head towards a nearby slot machine. A woman in a wheelchair pulled a lever and watched the flashing numbers spin. They exploded in a cacophony of sirens and flashing lights. “WINNER WINNER WINNER!” The machine screeched.
The woman in the wheelchair put her feet on the ground and stood up on a pair of wobbly legs that had clearly never been used before.
“As in any other casino,” the pit boss said, “you must wager for the chance to win.”
“She... won the use of her legs?” I asked, feeling light-headed. “Wait,” I said. “I played blackjack just now. ‘Three years,’ Selene told me. What does ‘three years’ mean?” I asked.
“Three years of life, of course. Did you win?”
My mouth felt dry. “I-- Yes, I won.”
He smiled warmly. “Congratulations. I hope you enjoy them. I can tell you from personal experience that watching the decades pass is a bore. Give it some time and you’ll be back to spend them.”
I watched the pit boss’s face. He couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me, and I was in my early thirties. I looked around at the casino. No one was playing with chips of any kind. “So what?” I asked. “I won years of life. That woman won the use of her legs. What else can a person win here?”
“Oh, almost anything. They can win almost anything you can imagine.”
A cold feeling settled in my stomach. “And what do they wager?”
His eyes flashed with greed. “Almost anything. They can wager almost anything you can possibly imagine. Anything equal in value to the item they want in return.” He nodded towards a nearby roulette table.
A man stood by the table, cradling his hands. “Another finger,” he called out. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand. As I watched, the ball came to a stop, and another finger disappeared from his left hand.
The pit boss extended his hands. “Feel free to try any of our games. Bet and win whatever you’d like.” He reached out and snatched my hand. A feeling of intense warmth passed up my arm to my chest. “There,” he said. “I’ve even given you some house money to get you started. An extra decade of life, on me.”
I ripped my hand away, staring at him in horror. Then I looked back at Selene. Something clicked in my mind. “You offered her the chance to play. What did she want?” I asked.
“Her husband,” the pit boss said. “Quite the sad story. He died two years ago. She wanted him brought back to her.”
“What did she wager?” I asked.
“She wanted the chance to win a soul, the most valuable object in existence. I’m sure you can imagine what she needed to wager for the chance to win it. What she wagered is unimportant. The important question is: What do you want, Orin?”
I stared at Selene with a flat expression. “I’m sure you can imagine.”
His eyes flashed with greed again. “How wonderful. The casino could always make use of another dealer. Feel free to make your wager at any one of our games; I’ll be eagerly awaiting the results of your night. Oh, and do take advantage of our waitresses. We always supply food and drink for ‘high rollers’.” He walked away.
I spent the next few hours trying to decide which game to play. I was going to be wagering my soul, so I wanted the highest chance possible. Slots and roulette were out. I’d done some reading online about counting cards, so I figured that blackjack gave me the best odds.
I walked up to Selene’s table and sat down. “Bet?” she asked with that same toneless voice. “Three years,” I said.
I spent the next hour or so doing my best to remember how to count cards. I knew that low cards added one to my count and high cards decreased it by one, but the casino used three decks. I had read something about how that was supposed to change my calculation, but I couldn’t quite remember how.
Every time I won a hand, I cursed myself for not putting everything on the line. Every time I lost, I breathed a prayer of thanks that I’d waited. And all the while, I kept track of the count.
I had lost fifteen years of life when the count finally reached +5.
“Bet?” Selene asked.
“I wager my soul so you can be free,” I said.
The table around me fell silent. Selene’s eyes flickered, but she showed no other emotion as she dealt the cards. I watched my first card, punching the air in excitement when I saw a Jack. My excitement turned to ash when my second card was a four. Fourteen.
I looked at her hand. One card was facedown, but the faceup card was a King. I swore loudly, staring down at my hands.
“Hit?” she asked. The entire table was silently watching me.
“Hit,” I said, not looking down. The table erupted in cheers. I looked down to see a 7 atop my two other cards. 21. Blackjack.
I looked at Selene who flipped over her facedown card to reveal a 9. 19. I won.
The glassy look left her eyes immediately. She looked around in surprise, then her eyes locked on mine. “Orin?” she asked, then almost immediately began to cry. The entire casino broke out in cheers.
I grabbed her hand and headed for the elevator. The doors had begun to close when the pit boss reached out with a hand to stop them.
“Congratulations,” he said, beaming. He seemed to be honestly excited.
“Shouldn’t you be upset?” I asked.
“Not at all. Casinos love it when we have big winners. It inspires the other players to make larger bets. I imagine I’ll gain two or three dealers before the night is through from your performance.”
“Great,” I said flatly. “Now let us go.”
“Not yet,” he said. “You didn’t just win, Orin. You got a blackjack. And blackjack pays out 1.5 times your bet. You won your sister’s soul and more.”
I stared, not sure what to say. “What are you saying? I won half a soul extra?”
The pit boss grinned wildly. “Just remember what I said. You’ll find living for decades and decades to be a boring experience. After a few centuries, you’ll be back to gamble that half a soul away. Congratulations!”
He removed his hand, and the elevator doors slammed shut.
I helped Selene back to her house. Her children were relieved. I watched them cry, then moved into the kitchen to start making dinner.
It’s been a few days since that experience. The casino is still out there, and buses full of people still arrive. I… I cut my hand pretty bad a few days later. When I checked it an hour later, it had already healed, no scar or anything. I’m not sure exactly what I won at that casino, but there’s no way I’m ever going back.
X

Clarkson's Columns: The 2021 Range Rover & Deadly Cladding Disaster

No diva, but too swish for muddy fields. The Clarkson Review: Range Rover.
By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, Jan. 10)
I was out in my woods the other day collecting logs when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted what looked like a fox darting into one of my pheasant pens.
Luckily I was not packing heat, because it turned out to be a fox-coloured spaniel. It bounded over when I called, all ears, tongue and waggly tail, and I quickly deduced by reading the tag on its collar that it was called Rory. It's not for nothing that, round these parts, they call me "the detective".
There was also a telephone number, so I called it and it went straight to voicemail. Strange. If you lose a dog, you tend to treat your phone in the same way a sailor who has fallen overboard treats a life raft. It's the one link you have to the happy life you knew.
Perhaps, then, the owner had left his phone at home when he had taken his dog for a walk and was, even now, rampaging around the Cotswolds, in the manner of the chap who took the deer-chasing Fenton for a stroll in Richmond Park.
I waited and strained my ears, but could hear no one shouting "Rory!" And so, with darkness approaching, I decided I'd take the dog home. But there was a small problem: how exactly would I do that?
My farm car, a 13-year-old Range Rover, had been for a service the week before, and just one day later had broken down. Subsequent investigations suggested that one or both of its turbos had failed, along with the intercooler. It was, to use a simple English translation, buggered, and would cost more to mend than it was worth.
My other Range Rover — I like Range Rovers, OK? — was out of action too, because someone had borrowed it just the day before and had some kind of accident.
The third Range Rover that lives on the farm was, that day, doing errands in Norfolk, and the fourth, a brand-new 2021 model I had on loan that week from Land Rover, was far too new and shiny to be used for transporting a very muddy spaniel.
And so we arrive at the biggest — and only — problem with this car. It was designed 50 years ago to do two jobs. You could use it on the farm during the day, and then, after hosing down the interior, use it at night to go to the opera. No other car has ever been able to pull that trick off. Not even the Mercedes G-wagen.
I said last week that the Volkswagen Golf GTI was the only car you need, and that's true — unless you want to do farming during the day and then go to the opera at night. In which case the only car you need is a Range Rover.
So why then do I own two? Ah, well, that's the issue. My four-year-old Vogue SE is a bit plush. I use it mostly for going to and from London. I don't even use it for shooting. And I'm not alone. Most of my friends round these parts have Range Rovers as well — it's a uniform, really — and it's the same story with all of them.
With the new version the problem is more acute because there are glass screens for all the controls and new, softer, wider seating, which is upholstered in the finest leather. It can be used, of course, for uprooting trees and transporting logs and pulling stranded tractors out of the ditch, but you wouldn't, any more than you'd play football with that Louis Vuitton ball that was recently offered online for more than £4,000.
Land Rover would say that you can still do all these hirsute, manly things with other cars in its range, but I'm not interested in its other cars. I'm sure they're very nice, but I like the Range Rover. The proper one with the splitfolding tailgate and the imperious driving position.
And the new one is even better. The engines, for the most part, are smaller than ever, but thanks to all manner of electronic trickery and hybrid tech they are even more powerful. So now, with the diesel D350 model, you get all the torque you need and about 30mpg. Greta Thunberg should get one.
More impressive still, however, is the way this new car glides. I used it to get from Chipping Norton to Manchester, via Ludlow in Shropshire, which meant we barely touched the motorway network at all, and it was sublime. According to the company's blurb it has the same suspension setup as before, so it must be the seats, or fairy dust, but something makes it uncannily comfortable.
It was also fun. I'm not suggesting it's a Mazda MX-5 or a Porsche 911. It's not fun like that. But it is a hoot to zoom along at a fair old lick in something that weighs more than Lincoln Cathedral.
But what about reliability? People say Range Rovers have always been hopeless, yet the fact of the matter is that my four-year-old car has been as solid and as dependable as John Terry. And the much older 57-plate car was reliable too, until its turbo seized. So it has also been like John Terry. Brilliant — if we ignore the fact he allegedly slept with a team-mate's girlfriend.
Despite everything, though, we can no longer judge the Range Rover as a dual-purpose car. It's a great everyday car, but when it comes to driving a muddy dog two miles cross-country, you'll need an old Toyota pick-up as well.
I don't have an old Toyota pick-up, but I do have a six-wheel-drive former army Supacat. So my girlfriend brought that to the wood, we put Rory in the back and off we went.
Later, after I'd given him some of the stew I'd made the night before — he liked it, unlike everyone else — and a bowl of water, I tried the number again, and this time it was answered very quickly by a woman. But I couldn't hear what she was saying because in the background there was a clearly distraught little girl sobbing and saying over and over: "Is it Rory? Is it Rory?"
I explained that I did have Rory, and I then heard a whoop of relief. It's possibly the nicest sound I've ever heard. The sheer joy of a little girl finding out that her lost dog is safe and well.
It put me in such a good mood that I'm going to give the new Range Rover five stars. It's so good at doing the opera part of its job that we can ignore the fact it's now too posh to do farming.
I've also decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to repair the broken engine in my old car. Because it's been in the family so long, it's become our Rory.
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Is there anyone honourable in government who'll take on this deadly cladding disaster?
By Jeremy Clarkson (Sunday Times, Jan. 10)
What a winter. America is teetering on the brink of civil war, a more infectious new strain of the virus has arrived from South Africa, we are all locked up like hedgehogs, Brexit is messing up food supplies to Northern Ireland and the normally placid state of Denmark has been rocked by a children's animation featuring a man with an enormously long penis.
And I've not been able to concentrate on any of it because, as a result of the Grenfell fire, the insurance bill for the six-storey building where I have a flat in London is set to rise from £8,000 a year to more than £60,000.
When I found out, I made some noises in The Sun, and immediately a government housing wallah called Baron Greenhalgh who sounds as if he should be a Child CatcheDick Dastardly baddie in that Danish penis story went on Twitter to say I can afford it.
Yes, Your Baronness. I could also afford to buy every corner shop in Hartlepool, but that doesn't mean I want to. And, anyway, as you acknowledge, most of the tens of thousands of people affected by these gigantic insurance premium hikes cannot. And I really do mean gigantic. Some have gone up by 1,200%.
These people desperately need to get rid of the troublesome cladding that cocoons their high-rise properties, and many are saying that the bill for this should be met by the developers, who have profited wildly from the housing boom in recent years. This has struck a chord with lazy, dimwit socialists, who say that the boss of a housing company has a jet and an island, while the people who bought his flats are having to burn their cats to stay warm.
For sure, the Grenfell inquiry is discovering that some halfwits from some two-bit companies were running around like contestants on The Apprentice, actively boasting about how they got round the fire regulations, but most property development companies were following the guidelines laid down by the government. And, plainly, those guidelines weren't good enough. They certainly weren't easy to understand and they definitely weren't enforced properly. It's the government, then, that must be held accountable.
However, right now, people with flats in high-rise buildings are not the only Oliver Twists at the door of No 11, queuing up for a bit of gruel. Travel agents, gym owners, publicans, airlines, cruise ship operators, hairdressers, dog groomers, farmers and sex workers are all pleading with the Treasury for help. Everyone is.
Rishi Sunak goes on the news most nights to say that his magic money tree is not bereft of fruit just yet, but the time will come when someone in a suit with a James Bond baddie accent says: "Look. You may be a sovereign state now, and you may be able to print as much cash as you like, but enough is enough." And then what?
Well, it seems to me that we should have a look at the insurance industry. Many companies are saying to those in high-rise buildings that they must employ fire wardens if they want to have any cover at all. And because mortgages insist on that cover, homeowners are being forced to acquiesce.
But hang on. If you are paying for burly men to patrol the corridors of your building 24 hours a day, with a wheelbarrow full of extinguishers, then there is absolutely no chance of a fire taking hold. Which means the cost of fire insurance should be zero.
In my building, the cladding is not flammable, the fire system would be rejected by the Louvre for being too exotic and the lift can be used even if there's an inferno. So why has there been an eightfold hike in the premium? It feels like blatant profiteering.
And on that front, there is hope, because insurance companies are not run by idiots. Fairly soon one of them will realise that if it lowers its prices, everyone will flock to its doors, which will force all the other companies to lower their prices too. It may take a while, but eventually I see the insurance premiums of today coming right back down again.
Maybe this is something the government could do: start the ball rolling by insisting on some reasonableness. That wouldn't cost it anything. But even if the premiums do come down, it doesn't really address the big issue: the fact that tens of thousands of people are holed up in flats that they know, for sure, will kill them if someone six floors down has a faulty toaster.
The hour's exercise these poor people get every day is not to keep them fit it's to let them breathe a sigh of relief.
And there's more. Because it's known that the flat they scrimped and saved to buy is a death trap, it is completely unsellable. So they are wasting thousands of pounds a month, paying off a mortgage on a flat that is worth less than their washing-up bowl. That's not what Mrs Thatcher promised.
I understand, of course, that property, like scratchcards and blackjack, is a gamble, and that sometimes it doesn't pay off. I once bought a flat because it overlooked the car park of the gym Diana, Princess of Wales used. And a week later she died. Which meant my flat had a view of a car park.
Sometimes it happens that they build a bypass through your back garden, or a railway line. It's a risk we take. But this cladding business goes beyond some poor sod losing his shirt. One night he could end up sitting in his window box, watching the fire brigade ladders wobbling about 50ft below him as he wonders whether to fry or fly.
I'm not sure that the evil Baron Greenhalgh is the man for the job, but we do need someone kind to sit down in a room with everyone involved and say: "Out of the goodness of our hearts, we simply must do something about this."
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And here's the Sun column: "England’s future now we’re out of the EU: Tiny nation with a lunatic leader." This time the comments section is full of pissed-off right-wingers!
But the best part is not about Brexit:
"CHURCH OF JEZZA?
"So, it seems the people of Jezza, a wonderful little town in Uganda, east central Africa, have named their local church after me.I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to deserve such an honour. Maybe it’s something to do with my initials. Or maybe they heard that I’d come back from the dead after catching Covid. Well, I’m sorry to pour cold water on that one but for me, Covid was nothing more than a small cold. If it’s worse for you, I shall pray for your swift recovery. And who knows? Now I have my own church, that might even work."

[Guide] How to make money in EFT

EDIT : Thanks to everybody for pointing out the few mistakes/improvements that can be made in this new-player level guide.
For the sake of summarizing here :
- Intel documents are NOT worth 250k. I didn't check them on the flea before writing this and for some reason I always remembered them at 250k. Game is in maintenance so I can't check the real price. That being said, it's still profitable to craft USB into Intel, it's just not x2 profitable.
- Scav case : moonshine / intel docs, some people seem to say they've never been profitable. I personally *did not* measure those, I eyeballed it. I'm working on so much shit that I didn't bother. On average I think that I'm in a net positive, but it's as believable as people saying they're not : without proof we can't really say for sure. That bein said, it's certainly more profitable to run lower-tier scav runs that are *faster* when you're online, and to run a moonshine or intel when you log off. It's more efficient to get a lot of runs while you can re-start them every time.
- Crafting moonshine : It's not profitable to spam it ; I was under the assumption that the average player who will read this will usually not play for 4-5 hours straight and will end up collecting yesterday's moonshine, craft a new one, and that's it. If that's you're rythm then yes, spam it. If you intend to play more than one craft worth's of time, then you will craft moonshine faster than you can spend it, and it's not really worth to sell it on the flea except to up your market reputation for a small loss (about 10k). So in short : craft moonshine to be able to start a moonshine run for when you log off, but you don't *need* more than that.

Check this out

Here is some actual data on the lavatory !!

Hey everybody !

I know it can be a struggle to get a stable economy in this game, especially when you die a lot. Today I'm gonna try and give a few guidelines on how to make money safely, efficiently, fast, or in any other way we can think of.
If you're struggling to stay above the 15-20 million rouble treshold, this guide is definitely for you.
Very often I'll hear newer players say "Damn I can't seem to make money, I keep loosing. Every time I take gear I die instantly". There is some truth in that. Today I'll help you improve your survival rate, but most importantly I'll unbalance the other side of the equation. When you complain about losing a lot of money, I will help you spend less by a significant margin, as well as earn more. You'll also get rid of gear fera naturally.
Remember this throughout this very, very long read : It all depends on how you want to play, and how much. Some of these tips will not fit how you want to play the game, and like Nikita always says : this game is supposed to be fun before anything else.

1. Hideout

Safety Score : 100%
Reward : Moderate but very stable.
Maxing your hideout should be one of your top priorities, probably before telling your mom how much you love her every now and then. If you're not doing either of those, the big gamer in you knows what to do.
Early wipe, save your fuel for when you're online and playing. If you're playing, your generator should definitely be running and all your stations should be crafting something.
Once you have Medstation 1, Workbench 1 and Lavatory 2, you really have no reason to turn your generator off when you're playing.
Once you have the bitcoin farm, you should never turn off the generator.
Medstation :
Craft salewas and/or IFAKs permanently. They cost 8k and sell for 15k. That's a net profit of about 25k / hour for salewas, as well as never having to buy any.
Lavatory :
Always be crafting Bleach. If you have 2 empty blue fuel, use those empty cans to craft a Magazine case.
You can then keep the magazine cases until you've enough for your liking and sell those for a good profit.
The bleach you will use to buy the 6B47 helmets which are better than the SSh-68 helmets. Buying from 2x bleach barter at ragman level 1 means you get the helmet for 18k (instead of 33k on the market). This helmet has better head coverage, less slow/negative effects, less weight, has a slot for a mount, has +11 ergonomics AND is cheaper than the 22k SSh-68. That being said, it has a slight noise reduction that the Ssh does not have. If you wear headphones I'd say this is negligible but debatable. I prefer to have the extra protection and ergonomics for sure, considering it's slightly cheaper.

You can also barter for that helmet and instantly sell it back for a profit (five times) and level up ragman money requirements.
Bleach can also be traded for the Blackjack backpack at level 4, as well as the TTV rig at level 2. You should definitely do it.
Sell excess bleach on the flea market when the prices are around 10.5k or more. (around midnight Central European Time).
Workbench :
You can buy Power Cords and craft Wires forever and always make a profit. Buy in the morning and sell in the evening for better profits (CET timezone). For even more profit, you can craft gunpowders and ammo which tend to also be ridiculously pricy at night.
Buying grenades from Peacekeeper and crafting green (Eagle) gunpowder is a good way to make a lot of money and level up Peacekeeper.
Intel Center :
You main objective is to get this one to level 3 for reduced fees and better quest rewards, but also access to the bitcoin farm at level 2.
If you need FiR for quests, craft that. When you're done craft Intel Documents at all times (buy the USB), and use it for scav case or sell for a x2 profit. ( 3x40 for USB = 120, documents sell for 250)
Bitcoin Farm :
Once you have it, spend all your money on GPU until its maxxed, then level it up even more. The BTC farm is definitely worth it. At 50GPU you need to connect every 15 hours to clic. If you can't, keep it level 2 and connect every 24 hours to clic. Even at level 1 its worth. But its much, much faster at higher levels.
From 0 to 50 GPUs it takes about 30 days to pay for itself. GPUs should not be sold until you maxxed it.
Water Collector :
Must be running at all times. Buy the components if you don't have them.
Booze Generator :
Must be running at all times. Buy the components if you don't have them.
Scav Case :
Always have it running on moonshine, and use intel documents once you're done crafting one.
Nutrition Unit :
It's not really worth crafting sugar to put in the Booze gen, as the price for chocolate is pretty much = the price of sugar. So buy the sugar instead and craft something else. I tend to craft Hot Rods when the prices are good (morning) and then use them to barter 5.45 BS Ammo with Prapor or sell for a profit.

If you do all that, you should have about 150k an hour fairly easily. Don't forget to check it between every raid.

2. Traders

Safety Score : 100%
Reward : Quite good.
Once your mom has received all the love she deserves and your hideout is taken care of, you should have max traders (traders are a requirement for most of the hideout anyway).
Traders level 4 will net you much better prices on most mods and open very good barter trades.
Buy as much as you can from barter trades. You can buy almost everything from it, and it's usually at least 25% cheaper to buy the requirements and then do the barter. Ragman4 has the CPC Armored Rig which is level 5 armor, you'll get it for about 200k instead of 250k on the flea. The Slick is also much cheaper. The Blackjack backpack is literally half priced.
You can also NOT use what you barter and just sell it back to a dealer (sometimes the same from which you bartered) for a profit as well as having 2 times the loyalty money increase (from bartering then from selling).
Another good example is buying a Recbat 14k from the market, getting an ADAR for skier, selling it to Mechanic and winning 8k just like that. You can find every single barter that nets a profit yourself and just buy-resell and you'll probably make another 100k every reset, if you really are struggling and have the patience. I personally advise to just use the equipment for yourself unless you're levelling traders, but I wouldn't go as far as buying all profitable items every reset.
Every trader at every level has good barters. You can make a full decent kit at level 1 traders for about 40k roubles on barter, instead of 90 if you buy it all. (Paca for masks, helmet for bleach, ADAR for recbatt, salewa from craft, backpack, etc. all barters)

Bleach is beautiful and is coveted in the real world for its ability to cure diseases.

3. Modding

Safety Score : 100%
Reward : Very profitable.
Don't mod out of your reach. Don't mod Meta. If money is an issue for you, having +1 ergo won't change your life.
For example,
Priced at 10k roubles
Priced at 45k Roubles

See where I'm going with this?
If you have money, sure, go for the Shift. If you wanna have fun and try, sure, go for it as well. But if you're struggling, buy 4 cobras and mod 4 guns for the price of 1% recoil which will not make you a gamer god anyway.
Also, do NOT buy mods from the flea market when you see you can buy them from traders. Look at the top of the market, if the mod is greyed out, look at the price. It means you don't have access (yet). If the price is too inflated for you, find another mod. There are always other mods. You can make 2 AKMs that have a difference of 2% recoil and 4 Ergonomics and have a 150k price difference. It's up to you. When money is the issue, this was the answer.

Note : Some guns are inherently much more expensive. Guns shooting 5.56 or 5.45 tend to be more expensive than 7.62. AKMs are VERY good budget guns. They're a bit harder to handle, but you can get a fully modded AK for 150-200k, where as you will have an entry level M4 for that price. 7.62 PS ammo is also incredibly cheap while being decent. Play 7.62 if you're struggling with money. It's not meta, but it's far more than enough, trust me. You'll rarely lose fights exclusively because you had PS ammo in an AKM. Rarely.

4. Statistical loadout balance

This is fairly simple yet overlooked a LOT. To be accurate, you need data. Personally I kept it in an excel spreadsheet, if you're hardcore you should do something similar.

A somewhat relevant spreadsheet I used a wipe ago to measure some of my stats
What you need to know about yourself for this :

Your survival rate per map
How much you usually extract with, on average, per map
How much you usually go in raid with, on average, per map

These will help us measure how much you fuck up or not.
Lets make it simple.
If you have a 500k loadout and you usually extract with 100k, at 10% survival rate, that means you will spend 500k x 10 = 5.000.000 roubles over 10 raids on average, die 9 times, and earn 100k once. This very obvious example shows the loss.
Basically we're gonna try and balance that equation so that you never lose money on average. You'll have ups and downs obviously, but over a week or two, it'll smooth things out for you, like math always does in a pleasant conversation with a girl.

So what can you do to improve that equation ?

4.1 Improve survival rate

Seems simple enough, DIE LESS. You do not need to be good, smart, or special to die less. If you die a lot, do something different. If you die less, try more of that. Explore statistical advantages through different gameplay.
What can you do to die less practically? Here is a list of checkboxes you can tick depending on your money, skill, mood, or any other factor like the map and sheer luck:

Fight from a bigger distance. People miss more from far (so will you, but killing less is irrelevant when you want to die less)
Fight with better gear (supressed, better armor, better ammo, etc.). Its expensive, but it technically helps
Don't fight at all. Avoid fights, run away from gunshots. 99.3% of people who didn't get shot survive a raid.
Wait more, play slowly. If you go with the flow of players, you'll be with the players. Avoid that "wave" and stay behind it. When you come across players trying to extract to where you spawned, hide.
Play with friends if you have any. If not, your mom loves you and so do I. I do coaching so do a lot of other decent players, look it up.
Whenever you die, look at what killed you. Did you take a risk ? Did you lack skill ? Were you out of position ? Were you unlucky ? Try to be as OBJECTIVE as possible even in the frustration. It's pretty much always your fault if you died, avoid toxicity and learn something from that instead. If you took a fight with good gear and ammo and just lost, its probably skill/positioning. It's fine. Learn the game, fight differently, and with time it'll get better. If you were in the open, don't go in the open. If you were sprinting in the middle of interchange and got ambushed, well. Don't do that. Learn.

Do all that, it'll give you a LOT of data to actually improve by just doing something different without really being fastestronger, just smarter.
And I repeat : you can do some of it, all of it, it depends on what you like, what you're comfortable with, and the time/investment you're putting in the game. It's okay to play at your own pace.

4.2 Reduce gear cost

The second part of our "profit equation" above is how much gear you take with you. Using previous tips, reduce that cost. Barters, cheaper mods, etc.

4.3 Increase extracted value

This one is not as tricky as it sounds. Basically there are two ways to extract with more money in the backpack :

Know what/where to loot
Have a bigger backpack.

The goal is to pay for the gear you will loose when you die while making a profit on top. That one time you extract if you have a MBSS backpack, you'll need items worth like 50k per slot to break even. If you take a tri-zip, suddenly it's only 30k per slot. If you take a blackjack and blackrock from good old ragman, suddenly it's 10k per slot. So you can break even by looting crickents and DVD players almost.
See where I'm going ? Always take a tri-zip or bigger unless you're doing something special. That way you can afford to loot shitty areas, take less risk, and survive more while having a little less value.
We'll cover that in a minute, but there are ways to loot high value items, moderate value and low value. Those have also different risk/reward.

All of those are also map specific. In woods I'll often go with a 6B3TM armored rig for 40k, no helmet, 20k headphones and a sniper rifle. Rest is pouched so does not count. That's less than 100k investment. All players tend to have low value gear so I never extract with a lot either so it balances out. But on Woods, my survival rate is 20% instead of my overall 40%. So I know it's not a map I can reliably make money on, because I measured that accurately over time. This example is very common and should make sense to you.
Same goes for interchange where I have more about 50% survival but will tend to go in with 600k worth of gear, but will also often extract with over 500k quite regularly. Different ratios, different values, different purposes.
You can measure your own data if you're willing to do so, or you can eyeball it. Eyeballing it is much faster but very inaccurate because you will tend to include emotions in the mix when you die. You'll remember losses ~2x more than your wins (that's somewhat scientifically proven), and if you're eyeballing your loadout you might think you have 600k but really you might have only 450k. I would advise to go hardcore and measure it all for price, initial loadout, losses and earnings, for each map.

5. Money runs

Now money runs are vast and numerous. All include different levels of risk and reward. It's up to you once again to find what you're willing to do for the time it takes, the fun it will give you and how much it will actually help you. You can always try them all for ~50 raids the sake of trying something different and see how your data is impacted. it doesn't have to be 50 in a row if you don't want to. As long as you keep track of it it can be over a whole wipe. You'd have your data ready for the next wipe :) Faster is better though.

5.1 Hatchling runs

Safety Score : 100%
Reward : Very Variable. Mentally exhausting.
Those are incredibly money efficient. You're investing a gear of 0 value, so whatever you extract with is 100% win, so you cannot possibly lose money that way. Is it fun? Is it rewarding? I don't care, to each is own. Statistcally speaking, hatchling runs are an efficient way to make money.
They do however require a little bit of knowledge, but not skill. You'll be much more efficient at doing these kind of runs if you know where to go, what to look for, and how to get there depending on your spawn. That being said, such knoweldge is easily found ; it's nothing complex, it just takes time to learn. Once again, depends on how much you're willing to invest (if not roubles, time).

5.2 Scav runs

Safety Score : 100%
Reward : Low-ish
Scav runs are also incredibly efficient for the same reason as hatchlings. Except those have a cooldown. Statisticall speaking I have noticed you should always run your scavs as fast as possible on the map where you extract both the fastest and most frequently.
The explanation is simple, lets make it simpler :
The scav is a button that makes you earn free money. When you press it the button becomes unpressable for some time, when you release the button you earn money (sometimes).
That means you want to release the button as often as possible. And for that, you need to release it as fast as possible. It's that simple. So make scavs incredibly fast. I'm talking "Run through" fast.
Unless you're looking for FiR items or doing something specific like annoying a streamer, you should literally run straight to the extract every single time, and loot what you have that doesn't make you go out of your way too much. Usually I suggest factory, go in, kill a random scav, loot it, get out.
Two weapons is at LEAST 50k, 100 if they have a scope. There you go. That's 100k every 20 minutes (or less with intel center). That's MUCH BETTER than going up to 150-200k but taking 30 minutes to extract, and taking more risk by spending more time in the map. Every second you're in someone can shoot. Nobody can shoot you in the hideout.
The exception to that rule is Scavs with a pilgrim which you can take on your favourite loot-run map, probably interchange or reserve. There you should just fill everything you can and extract once you're full, no matter what you have. 30 crickents and an extra gun is fine.

5.3 Stash runs

Safety Score : Very
Reward : Okay
Those are very very safe and can be done with a pistol and a backpack only. Very cheap, quite unchalleneged, for a moderate reward. Just go on a map that you like and run around and loot all stashes until you're full, then get out. You can vary the map/route depending on the traffic of players. Interchange and shoreline are good contenders for that.
It'll net you easy money. Not great money, but definitely safe.

5.4 Loot Runs

Safety Score : Moderate
Reward : Quite alright
Once you have better knowledge/skill you can start having a specific route in a specific map, depending on a specific spawn. So it'll take time to learn. Usually very similar than a hatchling run except this time you bring moderate gear and go for moderate loots. For example, instead of going for fast techlight, in-and-out interchange, you can decide "alright I'll loot 100% of Oli and the computers in the back", it'll take time, but it'll make good loot. More money than stashes, definitely will see scavs to kill, and most probably some more pvp. More risk. If you win that PvP you have even more loot as well. But overall good reward.
Loot runs need to be "scheduled" and thought of after several tries, so you know how much you can take per person depending on backpack size. For example you can't say "lets loot oli" if you have a 5-man with blackjacks, you'll all be empty. Adapt.

5.4 PvP

Safety Score : Insane
Reward : Unreliably moderate
This one is pretty obvious. Very risky, unpredictable rewards. Usually better than loot runs when you survive. I won't elaborate on this, because if you're reading this far you're probably struggling in PvP. And the rest of this guide already covers a fair bit.

6. Insurance

Safety Score : "Meh"
Reward : Very profitable.
Now this is very, very important. Always insure your gear. Always.
If you die you will get stuff back, pretty much for free. If you're really struggling people won't loot your "trash", so you WILL get it back.
If you play in a group it's very likely that people will hide your stuff too.
And most importantly : you can insurance fraud. This is the best way to balance the equation we talked about earlier. If you find a decent-ish gun, replace yours. You drop your initial investment by a significant margin, you will definitely get it back, and if you extract it's a flat profit. Weapons don't take inventory slot, so if you have two weapons that are not yours initially they will usually pay for your whole gear. I have quite often left my super-mega-modded HK just for an average M4 or other weapon that I can fight with, just so I can reduce my investment by 350k and up my reward by like 200k instantly. Replace your headphones all the time too, that's an easy -30+30k, same with helmets. even if it's a bit broken or slightly worse.
If you're struggling with money, try to leave every raid with at least 3-4 pars of your equipment that aren't yours initially.
But value the risk behind this. I won't leave my slick for a Paca at the third minute of a raid just to have that extra 28k. I won't leave my meta-modded HK for a naked mosin. But if it seems decent/doable, do it. It will pay off. Because even if you die, you still get your shit back, and gun is usually the most expensive part of the gear.

7. Final notes

It's all about balance. Find what works *for you* and try shit out. Really, try. You'll die, you'll learn, you'll adapt with data to back that up. I find it crazy that people will die and not try to learn from it. That's how you will improve as a player.
First you gotta get smarter, then you'll get better. And with time, skill, mechanics, gamesense, all that will improve on the side. Earning more will snowball in your favour. And if you know you're statistically okay, you will have a much smaller gear fear and enjoy the game more.

Sorry for the wall of text, you guys should be used to it with me by now :D I made these guides in video but not in english, so here I am typing it all for you guys.
Enjoy :)

New Era of Online Crypto Casinos

I would say that I'm relatively new to Reddit and the one thing that surprised me is the number of people that still play on Bovada, Ignition, Betonline, MyBookie, etc. Don't get me wrong, great sites for sports betting and poker, but absolutely horrendous when it comes to slots and live casino games.
Hitting 1,000x on a slot on Bovada is like a once in a lifetime achievement and the live dealer provider is... awful.
Over the past month or so, I have seen this Reddit flooded with random users promoting a bunch of shitty no-name crypto casinos that have been around for like 3 days. So I figured it was my duty, as somebody who has no ownership interests in any of these online crypto casinos, to share my thoughts regarding the ones that I believe are trustworthy. All of which is based on first-hand experience and countless hours of research.
First off, for those who aren't familiar with crypto casinos, the one thing that you need to know, as an American, is that you'll need to access these sites via a VPN. Personally, I use ExpressVPN and connect to Canada (or various other regions depending on which slot provider is available). The nice thing about ExpressVPN is that you can download the app and play on your phone. All of the casinos listed below allow VPN usage. Apparently NordVPN is pretty good too, but I cannot vouch for them personally.
Second thing, KYC is not required. Honestly haven't looked into this too much, but I can tell you from first-hand experience that KYC is not required in order to register or withdraw funds. All you have to do is confirm your email address. Some people have said you get KYC'd if you try to withdraw more than $2k, but again, I can confirm that it's not true (specifically for the casinos listed below). Just make sure that you only deposit/withdraw via crypto and you'll be fine. If you think this is sketchy, then please, continue making your credit card deposits at Bovada to random shell companies based out of China.
Also, DO NOT USE COINBASE TO TRANSFER TO AND FROM THE CASINO. They banned me. It hurt. Don't make the same mistake. I recommend using BRD as an intermediary between Coinbase and the casino. Since being banned from Coinbase, I have been using crypto.com to buy and sell crypto. Nothing but good things to say thus far.
Finally, I have wagered roughly $3.5MM in total across the sites below and have spent countless hours researching them, so I'd like to think that I somewhat know what I'm talking about. In no way am I an expert and in no way am I a high roller or a whale. Just a regular guy that enjoys gambling.
Now the common theme amongst the below casinos is that you have access to game providers such as Evolution (live games), Pragmatic, NetEnt, Thunderkick, Push, etc. that you'll never find on the casinos advertised as available to US players (such as Bovada). As I'm sure you know, Betsoft slots can get old after a while.
Just a few of my personal favorite games that I recommend you check out...
Live Games: Crazy Time, Monopoly, Evolution Blackjack and Evolution Speed Baccarat
Slots: Dead or Alive 2, Money Train 2, Lil' Devil, Sweet Bonanza and The Dog House

Site #1: Roobet.com (Best for casual gamblers)
What I like: Instant withdrawals, huge selection of slots and live games, generous rakeback system, instant bitcoin deposits (they will credit your account before receiving any confirmations-- this is really nice), every so often they'll run a 24 hour promotion where if you hit 100x on slot betting at least $1 you'll be "King Roo" (basically King of the Hill) and accumulate ~$20 per minute until you're dethroned
What I don't like: Rakeback system only allows you to collect every 24 hrs/1 week/1 month, no clarity surrounding VIP status (assuming you need to be a whale), there was one instance where I won $36k on a $40 bet playing Reactoonz and was told I can only withdraw $10k per day (this was 6 months ago and never had an issue withdrawing since), lack of sports betting
My largest withdrawal (at once): $9.9k
Deposit/Withdrawal Methods: BTC, ETH
Referral link to enable rakeback system without having to wager a shitload: https://roobet.com/?ref=hkgambler13 (you can also use code "hkgambler13")

Site #2: Stake.com (Best for medium-high rollers)
What I like: Instant withdrawals, huge selection of slots and live games, incredible VIP and rakeback system (weekly/monthly bonuses, rakeback can be claimed whenever, daily/monthly challenges to earn extra cash), active and friendly chat community, multiple crytpo deposit options where your account is credited in that currency (meaning your balance equivalent in USD will swing with the market-- could be seen as a con), enjoyable "Stake Original" games that have a higher RTP than 3rd party slots, averages ~2k users online at any given time
What I don't like: Can be overwhelming for first time players (Roobet is much more straight forward and easy to use)
My largest withdrawal: $13.2k
Deposit/Withdrawal Methods: BTC, ETH, LTC, DOGE, BCH, XRP (highly recommend-- cheap transfer fee, if any at all, and confirmed within seconds), TRX, EOS
Referral link to instantly enable 10% rakeback: https://stake.com/?c=6c2f1c60

Site #3: Gamdom.com (Best for gamers)
What I like: Instant withdrawals, huge selection of slots and live games, newly implemented rakeback system, constant "rains" in the chat (which is free money if you join in time), ability to instantly deposit and withdraw via Rust and TF2 items (could spend an hour talking about this-- generally caters to those who cannot get crypto or have to use a CC to buy crypto), averages ~1.5k users online at any given time
What I don't like: Prior to the newly implemented rakeback system rains and level-up chests were the only "rakeback", your balance is denominated in coins (1500 coins = $1 USD), browsing through their slot selection can be a pain in the ass
My largest withdrawal (at once): $7.4k
Deposit/Withdrawal Methods: BTC, ETH, BCH, LTC
Referral link to receive a free chest that could be worth up to ~$53: https://gamdom.com/chase (you can also use code "chase")

Final parting words: PLEASE DO NOT GAMBLE WITH MONEY THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE. Gambling is not a money making method and you will lose in the long run. The purpose of my post is to make those aware that other trustworthy online casinos are available for Americans that will (hopefully) make gambling online a bit more enjoyable!

[OFFER] #Sign up with my referral link from Bovada or Sportsbetting.ag. Make deposit and receive 50% match of your deposit from me via PayPal, Venmo, Cashspp or Chime#

I live in a small mining town in the mountains of Colorado. Someone is building a massive casino nearby, Pictures Included

I grew up in a small mountain town named Eureka. It was founded in the late 1800s during the gold rush, but after the mines dried up the town began its slow descent into decay. Half the houses are empty or abandoned now.
You can see a picture of the kind of houses here in Eureka:
Abandoned House
Non-abandoned House
When a massive construction project began nearby, it was the talk of the town for weeks. Why would they build something in a sleepy dying town like Eureka? It wasn’t until my sister Selene talked to a few construction workers that we discovered they were building a casino.
A casino up in the mountains, over two hours away from Denver. None of us could understand why they’d chosen here of all places. After a few months of work, the casino was done.
I took a picture of the town with the completed casino in the background to the right. The ten-story-structure sticks out like a sore thumb off in the distance.
Town+Casino
After the casino opened, they hired a few dozen members of the town, offering high paying jobs to work as dealers or cleaning staff. I was already employed as a firefighter, but my sister Selene got a job as a blackjack dealer. She’s a widow with two young kids, so the paycheck was a real lifesaver.
Still, something about the situation seemed too good to be true. The jobs over there paid far too well, and the management was far too accommodating. The fire station where I work is located high on a hill overlooking the town, so I began watching the casino from a distance each day.
I had initially thought that the casino was located in a terrible location, but I was apparently wrong. True, Eureka was hours from any major city, but despite that, a bus full of people arrived every morning and left every evening.
One night I was over at my parent’s house and had dinner with Selene and her kids. I asked her about her experience as a dealer.
“It’s Ok,” she said. “Just a little boring I guess.”
“Boring?” I asked. “I’m surprised you don’t have your hands full.”
“Why’s that?” she asked. “It’s like you said, Eureka’s too small. I never have people playing cards. The casino is almost always completely empty.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. If the place was always empty, what happened to the people who I’d seen arriving on buses? “I’ve been keeping an eye on the building,” I said. “A bus full of people typically arrives around 9 AM every day.”
“Really?” she asked, looking confused. “If that’s true, I’ve never seen them.
“I can see it from the fire station,” I said. “If you head out for a smoke break at 9 AM, you’ll probably see them arriving.”
“Interesting,” she said. “I’ll do that. If they’re being processed for their organs or something, I’ll let you know.” She laughed.
“Har har,” I said sarcastically.
The next night she sent me a text calling me over. When I arrived, she was nearly breathless with excitement.
“Orin, You were right,” she said. “A big group of people did arrive, but they didn’t walk into my part of the casino. Instead, they all walked into an elevator at the back of the building. I’m not sure where that goes.” She looked thoughtful. “It was weird. They looked… How can I say it? Desperate? Something about the whole situation was very off. I’m gonna check out the elevator tomorrow.”
I told her to be careful, though, to be honest, I was excited to hear about what she discovered. When I visited my parent’s house the next night, I found her two kids there alone. They told me that Selene had never returned from work.
I called all her friends, then all our neighbors, but no one had seen her since she left for work that morning. Our conversations regarding the casino flooded my mind, then a plan began to form.
Early the next morning I walked across town in my nicest pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. I pushed through the door to the casino and saw that Selene wasn’t lying. The place was all but deserted. Three dozen slot machines crowded the walls surrounding a few tables interspersed throughout the floor of the casino. The only players in the whole building were Bob and Donald, two locals.
I walked up to a nearby table where Bridget, a girl I’d gone to high school with, was shuffling cards. She broke into a grin when she saw me. “Hey Orin, you here for a few rounds of blackjack?”
“I wish,” I said. “No, I’m here to ask about Selene. She never made it home last night.”
Bridget’s expression darkened. “Really? Have you asked around?”
“I already called around. Have you seen her?”
She shook her head. “No, our schedules rarely line up. I’ll be sure to let you know if I--” Her eyes focused on something behind me, and she cut herself off.
I turned around to see the casino’s pit boss watching us both. He was a tall thin man in an impeccably clean black suit. When I turned back towards Bridget, she was looking down at the table and shuffling cards absent-mindedly.
“Well, if you hear anything, let me know,” I said.
She nodded, so I turned around and headed for the pit boss. I stuck out my hand. The temperature of his hand was so hot that I had to pull my hand away after a few seconds.
“Have… have you seen my sister Selene?” I asked. “She hasn’t been seen since her shift here yesterday.”
He smiled. “Sir, this floor is for players. You’re more than welcome to head to the tellers for chips, but barring that I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
I stared at him for a long second before stalking towards the door. When I looked back, he was talking with Bridget.
I checked my watch. 8:55 AM, just as I’d planned. I walked around the back of the building and waited as the morning bus pulled around the building. I waited for the telltale hiss of the opening doors and the sound of people descending before I rounded the corner and joined the crowd. None of them paid any particular attention to me as I walked with them into the casino.
The crowd walked through a side door down a hallway to an elevator. Small groups of people entered the elevator as the rest of us waited for our turn. I shot a glance at the casino patrons, surprised at their diversity. There seemed to be people from all different countries and ethnicities. I heard one speaking Japanese and another speaking what sounded like an African language.
My turn came along with a few other patrons in the elevator. A sickly woman hobbled into the elevator beside me carrying an IV that was still connected to one of her veins. We piled in and rode up to the top.
The elevator rose for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure what I would find, but I steeled myself for something horrible. The elevator’s speaker let out a TING, then the doors opened.
We all walked out onto what looked like a standard casino. Another few dozen slot machines ringed the walls, but on this floor, they were almost all occupied by customers. I took in the scene, confused at why they’d have a ground floor that was almost completely empty when this place was almost--
Selene was dealing cards at a nearby table.
I jogged over and sat down at an open seat. None of the players around me paid me much attention.
“Selene!” I said. “Are you OK? Did you spend the night here last night?”
Her eyes were glassy and confused. She looked up at me with a dumb expression and didn’t respond to my question.
“Selene?” I asked.
“What’s your bet?” she asked me. “This table is for blackjack players only.”
“I…” I trailed off, looking at the players around me. None of them were betting with chips of any kind. “What’s the minimum bet?” I asked.
“Three years,” she responded.
“Three years then,” I said, not knowing what that referred to.
Selene nodded, then began dealing cards. I shot a look down at my hand. King and a 9. Selene dealt out cards for herself, showing a 9. I stood, then leaned forward again. “Should I call the police? Are you--”
“Congratulations,” she said tonelessly.
An almost impossibly warm hand grabbed my shoulder. I spun to see the pit boss I’d spoken to earlier. He gave an impressed smile. “Orin, was it? I’m impressed, truly. Would you mind if I had a word with you?”
I shot a look back at Selene who was dealing the next round of cards. Then I got to my feet, balling my hands into fists. “What did you do to her?”
The pit boss clasped his hands behind his back. “Nothing more, and nothing less than what I’m going to do to you. That is, offer you the chance to play.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
The pit boss nodded his head towards a nearby slot machine. A woman in a wheelchair pulled a lever and watched the flashing numbers spin. They exploded in a cacophony of sirens and flashing lights. “WINNER WINNER WINNER!” The machine screeched.
The woman in the wheelchair put her feet on the ground and stood up on a pair of wobbly legs that had clearly never been used before.
“As in any other casino,” the pit boss said, “you must wager for the chance to win.”
“She... won the use of her legs?” I asked, feeling light-headed. “Wait,” I said. “I played blackjack just now. ‘Three years,’ Selene told me. What does ‘three years’ mean?” I asked.
“Three years of life, of course. Did you win?”
My mouth felt dry. “I-- Yes, I won.”
He smiled warmly. “Congratulations. I hope you enjoy them. I can tell you from personal experience that watching the decades pass is a bore. Give it some time and you’ll be back to spend them.”
I watched the pit boss’s face. He couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me, and I was in my early thirties. I looked around at the casino. No one was playing with chips of any kind. “So what?” I asked. “I won years of life. That woman won the use of her legs. What else can a person win here?”
“Oh, almost anything. They can win almost anything you can imagine.”
A cold feeling settled in my stomach. “And what do they wager?”
His eyes flashed with greed. “Almost anything. They can wager almost anything you can possibly imagine. Anything equal in value to the item they want in return.” He nodded towards a nearby roulette table.
A man stood by the table, cradling his hands. “Another finger,” he called out. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand. As I watched, the ball came to a stop, and another finger disappeared from his left hand.
The pit boss extended his hands. “Feel free to try any of our games. Bet and win whatever you’d like.” He reached out and snatched my hand. A feeling of intense warmth passed up my arm to my chest. “There,” he said. “I’ve even given you some house money to get you started. An extra decade of life, on me.”
I ripped my hand away, staring at him in horror. Then I looked back at Selene. Something clicked in my mind. “You offered her the chance to play. What did she want?” I asked.
“Her husband,” the pit boss said. “Quite the sad story. He died two years ago. She wanted him brought back to her.”
“What did she wager?” I asked.
“She wanted the chance to win a soul, the most valuable object in existence. I’m sure you can imagine what she needed to wager for the chance to win it. What she wagered is unimportant. The important question is: What do you want, Orin?”
I stared at Selene with a flat expression. “I’m sure you can imagine.”
His eyes flashed with greed again. “How wonderful. The casino could always make use of another dealer. Feel free to make your wager at any one of our games; I’ll be eagerly awaiting the results of your night. Oh, and do take advantage of our waitresses. We always supply food and drink for ‘high rollers’.” He walked away.
I spent the next few hours trying to decide which game to play. I was going to be wagering my soul, so I wanted the highest chance possible. Slots and roulette were out. I’d done some reading online about counting cards, so I figured that blackjack gave me the best odds.
I walked up to Selene’s table and sat down. “Bet?” she asked with that same toneless voice. “Three years,” I said.
I spent the next hour or so doing my best to remember how to count cards. I knew that low cards added one to my count and high cards decreased it by one, but the casino used three decks. I had read something about how that was supposed to change my calculation, but I couldn’t quite remember how.
Every time I won a hand, I cursed myself for not putting everything on the line. Every time I lost, I breathed a prayer of thanks that I’d waited. And all the while, I kept track of the count.
I had lost fifteen years of life when the count finally reached +5.
“Bet?” Selene asked.
“I wager my soul so you can be free,” I said.
The table around me fell silent. Selene’s eyes flickered, but she showed no other emotion as she dealt the cards. I watched my first card, punching the air in excitement when I saw a Jack. My excitement turned to ash when my second card was a four. Fourteen.
I looked at her hand. One card was facedown, but the faceup card was a King. I swore loudly, staring down at my hands.
“Hit?” she asked. The entire table was silently watching me.
“Hit,” I said, not looking down. The table erupted in cheers. I looked down to see a 7 atop my two other cards. 21. Blackjack.
I looked at Selene who flipped over her facedown card to reveal a 9. 19. I won.
The glassy look left her eyes immediately. She looked around in surprise, then her eyes locked on mine. “Orin?” she asked, then almost immediately began to cry. The entire casino broke out in cheers.
I grabbed her hand and headed for the elevator. The doors had begun to close when the pit boss reached out with a hand to stop them.
“Congratulations,” he said, beaming. He seemed to be honestly excited.
“Shouldn’t you be upset?” I asked.
“Not at all. Casinos love it when we have big winners. It inspires the other players to make larger bets. I imagine I’ll gain two or three dealers before the night is through from your performance.”
“Great,” I said flatly. “Now let us go.”
“Not yet,” he said. “You didn’t just win, Orin. You got a blackjack. And blackjack pays out 1.5 times your bet. You won your sister’s soul and more.”
I stared, not sure what to say. “What are you saying? I won half a soul extra?”
The pit boss grinned wildly. “Just remember what I said. You’ll find living for decades and decades to be a boring experience. After a few centuries, you’ll be back to gamble that half a soul away. Congratulations!”
He removed his hand, and the elevator doors slammed shut.
I helped Selene back to her house. Her children were relieved. I watched them cry, then moved into the kitchen to start making dinner.
It’s been a few days since that experience. The casino is still out there, and buses full of people still arrive. I… I cut my hand pretty bad a few days later. When I checked it an hour later, it had already healed, no scar or anything. I’m not sure exactly what I won at that casino, but there’s no way I’m ever going back.
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I'm rewriting FIGHT CLUB as FART CLUB. Am I a cool guy?

Colin gets me a job as a janitor. Shortly after that, he's shoving a suppository up my rear-end and saying that the first step towards ripping an everlasting fart is to completely cleanse one's colon. For a long time, Colin Prolaps was my best friend. People never asked, and I assume that they didn't want to know, but Colin was always egging me on to push just a little bit harder when farting even though indulging his wishes usually ended up ruining a pair of drawers. This was quickly shaping up to be one of those times.
A turtle head began pressing upon my clean, white undies- my LAST pair of clean, white undies. "You really won't shit yourself." Colin insisted.
I could feel the castor oil begin to squish out from between my buttcheeks. If you want to truly fart hard without crapping your pants, you have to administer castor oil to both ends for at least 24 hours prior to letting it truly rip. Try to fart any sooner than that, and you're guaranteed to launch a big shiny turd like a high-explosive howitzer shell straight through your drawers and down your pant leg.
"You're thinking of ghost turds. This isn't a ghost turd, Colin."
The mattress we're lying on won't be salvageable in a few minutes. You take 98% pure castor oil and add three-times the amount of refried beans by volume, then wash it all down with a case of PBR and you've got gas that'll melt lacquer from half a mile away.
I know this because Colin knows this.
Add a pot of strong coffee and you've got a nice clip of wet ones that'll choke a pig, but will melt holes in even the thickest pair of drawers. Some folks swear that loading-up on metamucil keeps the farts cleaner for longer, but that's never worked for me or Colin.
So Colin and I are spooning atop a brand-new luxury mattress as the unspeakable contents of my bowels go from asking permission to insisting upon joining the party. Even on a bed this comfy, the sense of what is to come makes it almost impossible to relax. I use the term 'almost' because the one part of my body that IS willing to relax is the one heroically keeping a pandora's box of the unspeakable at bay. I feel like I have to fart. A little voice inside of me- or is it just Colin whispering to me? I can't tell the difference anymore. The voice is telling me that it's just a fart- that I can let just a little bit out.
I begin to relax.
It feels dry.
Push a little bit.
The feeling of relief gives way to one of wet, warm filth. The fleeting warmth and feelings of relief give way to shame and panic as the expensive sheets are surely about to be ruined. The half-dissolved suppository seems to slip out, causing a discomforting sensation like you just tried to stick a chicken wing slathered in hot sauce and blue cheese up your ass, but the dressing does nothing to ease the burn, instead helping the hot sauce get into places you didn't even know existed.
Somewhere in the building, the self-proclaimed Toilet Bowel Cleaners, aka members of Project Plunger, are helping themselves to each and every roll of TP.
There's an old saying, "never trust a fart." Well, maybe this fart shouldn't have trusted ME.
With all sorts of things having been shoved up your ass, you can only guess at what's going on back there. Even the world's toughest bouncer can only do so much when asked to single-handedly keep a world of literal shit at bay.
Ask me how to make stink bombs from garlic and vinegar. These are the things you won't find online or in cookbooks. You can really ruin someone's day by adding a bit of honey to the mix to make it smell rather pleasant until the concoction gets a minute or two of air-time. Add salt and yeast to a batch in a sealed container and you've got a slow fuse that'll eventually blow when least expected.
Fake turds? I'll show you how to make ones that look AND smell like the real thing.
These drawers won't hold up much longer.
Sure, it'll take a while for the devil's hot cocoa to soak through to the mattress, but there's no stopping it. I wonder if my pants are still salvageable.
In just a few minutes, this toxic sludge will begin to soak into my jeans, then the sheets, the comforter, the mattress cover, then finally, the memory foam.
Colin snuggles closer to me and I feel a warm wetness squish against my butt cheeks. Just a few moments outside of the colon manages to let the mess drop just slightly below body temperature. The uncanny valley that exists between body temp and warm pool water sends chills down my spine. I thought of her- I thought of Anita.
Anita Whypmoore and Colin Prolaps seemed to be pulling me in two different directions- jockeying for my attention ever since this all began. Either one on their own is about as big a pain in the ass as I could have ever imagined. Dealing with both of them simultaneously is, well, a problem that I haven't the luxury of fixing at my own leisure.
Having Anita Whypmoore AND this Colin Prolaps in my life at the same time was a problem that had been coming to a head for weeks, but hindsight is about as useful as looking at your own asshole in the mirror. Yes, it's a mess back there, but what exactly do you propose to do about it? Sometimes it's best to leave that mystery unsolved- that's why I prefer black or brown drawers, and why Colin only ever wears white ones. Anita preferred red panties, but she had her own issues.
There's no turning back now. This mattress will be ruined in no time. Why oh why didn't I got for the brown set of sheets? Why didn't I opt for the protective cover? Why did I always let Colin call the shots?
I let go of my bowels as Colin squeezes me even tighter. Colin always told me to let it out even if it would surely ruin my pants. Well, Colin, here's to both of our pants being ruined.
Crapter 2
Hugh Jass' buttcrack peeked out from above the waistband of his off-white drawers. I can only assume that those drawers were originally bright white, but Hugh was the sort of guy to run things into the ground. The small patch of hair atop Hugh's crack reminded me of Wilson from Home Improvement. The more you got to see the very top of what was likely a big, fat, hairy ass, the more you wanted to yank down his pants to have a proper look at it.
"Could you hand me that drain snake? There's something gnarly down here."
I broke eye-contact with Hugh's coin-slot and rifled through the tool bag for the snake. Random metal washers at the bottom of the bag jingled around like loose change and i was once again fantasizing about dropping a shiny new quarter down the crack of Hugh's ass to see if a stale gumball or cheap keychain would roll out his pant leg.
"Quit staring at my ass, Seymour."
Hugh had taken to calling me Seymour. Seymour Butts was my given moniker since no one really needed or wanted to know my government name. I was a plumber's apprentice who spent most of the workday staring at my mentor's ass. If I simply logged enough hours at the precipice of the human grand canyon, I was told I'd make journeyman some day.
I still miss Hugh and his ass. I still can't watch re-runs of Home Improvement without crying like a bitch. Speaking of bitch-crying, that's how I met Anita.
Hugh and i worked for a plumbing company that was contracted to work at this haughty-taughty country club where old fucks paid way too much money to walk around naked in the locker rooms, fart in the saunas, and hang out with other old fucks who hated their spouses.
Hugh was once a private contractor- his own boss. When printed ads and phonebook listings gave way to online directories, scathing tales of his butt crack and beer breath put him at the bottom of the list when searching for plumbers.
Too many Yelp reviews, and you have to work under someone else's company.
It's easy to think of yourself as a piece of shit when you spend your days fixing toilets for people who are just as likely to poop in the shower and use their feet to push it down the drain.
Hugh looks after me because he thinks that my buttcrack and beer breath derailed me from loftier goals, too.
Around us in the ladies' locker room one day, we were about to extract the treasure of the Sierra Madrid from one of the shower drains. Most women yelled at us for doing this sort of work during daylight hours, insisting that their rapidly thinning hair and copious amounts of shit tickets wait until after hours to completely clog the drains and toilets.
The sound of flip-flops echoed through the locker room, terminating at the bathroom stalls. Sounds of straining and grunting were followed by what can only be described as explosive diarrhea. The click of a Bic lighter soon followed as the smells of Virginia Slims and liquid death hit my nose at the exact moment that the sounds of contented relief echoed throughout the tile-clad facility.
"You guys are gonna need more TP!" she announced.
Neither the sound of the toilet flushing nor that of running water from the sink were heard. Instead, the sounds of zippers being pulled and a heap of clothing hitting the tile floor preceded what was soon to become the all-too-familiar sound of flip-flops on tile.
Anita casually strode past Hugh and I in full birthday attire to the shower stall adjacent to the one in which we were working. Hugh whistled audibly and Anita flicked her half-spent cigarette in his direction. By some miracle, the still smoldering butt ricocheted off the wall and landed directly in the crack of Hugh's exposed ass.
Many things changed for me in that moment. For one, Hugh walked off the job making me the de-facto lead plumber on site. Second, I knew true love for perhaps the first time in many, many years. As a mass of hair and turds emerged from the drain that I was working on, Anita let out a grunt and a wet fart. As she stomped the bits of doodoo down the drain and began to lather up be biggest bush I'd ever seen, it occurred to me that she was the reason why the shower drains were always getting clogged.
After cleaning up the additional hair and bits of corn and peas, reality did what reality does and reminded me, via an abrupt kick in the nuts, that I haven't got the luxury to live entirely in my own head- at least not during work hours.
Cleaning up after Anita became part of my daily routine. I figured that it'd be easier to just sweep as much of the shit and hair off of the floor before it went down the drain than to wait for it to build up. Her toilet habits were a completely different and altogether horrifying menace. I know from my time in this business that some women are hesitant to put their bare asses on toilets that, god-forbid, someone else may have touched.
Did I mention something about love with regards to Anita? Let me clear something up- for me, love and the urge to cut a person up into as many pieces as possible are the same. What's more intimate than carefully carving a person into pieces small enough to fit down, let's say, a 2-inch drain? Boy, am I going to miss that woman.
Anita seemed to take standing on the toilet seat to competitive levels. It was as if she tried to simultaneously spread her cheeks AND stand as far above the commode as humanly possible. Imagine giving a sawn-off shotgun to a blind kid, coaching him up a 12' ladder, then having him aim the weapon straight down before pulling the trigger repeatedly and as quickly as possible. Now, imagine that each shotgun shell is filled with the runny shit of a vegan alcoholic woman in her 40s. If you aren't suddenly craving vegetable samosas and Whiteclaws, then metaphors might not be your particular bag. This woman crapped as if every speck of rancid diarrhea that landed OUTSIDE the bowl earned her points towards more booze, cigarettes, and Trader Joe's TV dinners.
I had to admire her, though, as she seemed to harbor just as much if not more hatred towards other women at the club than I did. I went from following her into the shithouse in order to clean up immediately after her, to letting the disaster area sit and stew until someone else saw it and screamed. Anita tended to hang around longer once adopting that policy.
In the following year or so, my contract was expanded to cover a few other facilities in the area. Each gym had it's own all-star in terms of locker room performance artists.
Harry was an older dude who had balls like Pierce Paris. If you're not obsessed with weird shit , you might not know what I'm talking about. All I should have to say is that these were the sort of balls that could so easily fit into one's own asshole, that even the most god-fearing homophobe would be jealous of such a lucky roll of the genetic dice.
When was the last time you tried to shove your own balls up your ass?
Flo had menstrual cycles that precluded any need for me to keep a calendar. I actually got to know Flo a bit. She had grown up in south africa or argentina or new zealand- I couldn't be asked to remember. All of my mental hard drive space was at capacity with the CSI Miami crime scenes that she'd leave for me once per month.
Don't you want to save that tampon? How does it smell?
Mr. Mierdo could predict the future with his fecal matter. You know how some people read fortunes by brewing loose-leaf tea and interpreting the leaves at the bottom of the mug? They call it tasseography. Mr Mierdo practiced ASSeography, and was a bona-fide shaman. He always painted in shades of brown. His canvas was the bathroom divider. He tried to warn me about Colin.
You dumbass! I was warning HIM about YOU!
The sales people at these gyms would hand out vouchers in an attempt to recruit new clients. Thanks to whomever we're currently blaming when life sucks, most of the vouchers ended up being used as currency among local hobos and junkies. Camping out on the side of the highway and getting fucked up every night sounds like a great idea at first, but given enough time on the streets, everyone shits their pants.
Well, maybe not everyone.
I ran into Hugh a bit later using one of these vouchers. It turned out that he had been stockpiling the damn things since before he walked off the job. It turns out that the blow-job :: day-pass exchange-rate was stacked in his favor. When he lost the job, he "forgot" to tell his wife. He had gone on a bit of bender with blackjack and hookers- except he didn't know how to play blackjack.
"You know that you can get twice as many sexual favors if you just do it in your car, right?"
Hugh rubbed his eyes and let out a sigh.
"My wife took the car when she found out."
"Found out what? That you got fired? That you got a handjob from a hobo chick?"
"Seymour," Hugh looked around and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I GET these vouchers in exchange for doing ... various things for THEM! I'm losing the house and will probably be homeless in a few months. I figured it best to get used to this sort of shit."
Bullshit.
Crapter 3
You come out of a blackout hovering over a shit-filled toilet.
Using the wall-mounted handlebar and plunger handle to hold yourself up, you recognize some, but not all, of the diarrhea and vomit staring back at you. Was it Nietzsche who warned about staring into the void? I don't know if it stares back at you, but it certainly farts directly into your face.
You chug a steel reserve, hit the bowl, then pay for your Taco Bell. As you bite into your chalupa with extra fire sauce, bliss washes over you and your brain mercifully goes into a sort of low-power-mode.
Fuck, I didn't wash my hands before leaving work. Am I lucky enough to get a disease that'll kill me sooner rather than later?
You unclog a toilet.
You replace a urinal.
You pull a softball-sized clump of hair up from a shower drain and recognize the hair of at least 3 different women that you've thought about while touching yourself.
In the handicapped stall of the womens' showers, Colin is pulling his pud to a discarded tampon and a lock of red hair. For a split second, he remembers better days when these stalls included soap dispensers that he could jizz into.
I know this because Colin knows this. He's the reason why those soap dispensers were removed in the first place (and why the mens' showers no longer have curtain rods).
You check-in 200 lbs of those public-restroom sized rolls of shit tickets.
Colin uses the last of the TP at another gym, wiping until blood is drawn, then he wipes some more.
You mention to the front desk clerk that someone might be stealing the big rolls of terlit paper .
You wonder why your ass is always so raw.
You wonder why there seems to be blood stains on some of your white drawers.
You switch to black and brown drawers.
Somehow, your crusty old white drawers keep showing up in the laundry. You swear to throw them out after wearing them one more time. You turn on the TV and watch a re-run of Home Improvement.
"I don't think so, TIM."
You fantasize about being maimed on the job by the likes of Tim Allen and spending a month or two knitting and watching fart fetish videos on the internet.
Colin takes a loose, rancid shit. He wipes a single time and doesn't even look at the paper before sticking the wad of TP to the wall. He leaves without flushing or washing his hands, of course.
Colin modifies his home TP dispenser to hold 18" spools of shit tickets. He rounds out the evening by shitting in a scavenged pair of womens panties and letting it dry over night.
Colin is not quite right in the head.
The boss has been hassling you about the uptick in overtime and the ever-growing paper expenses on your route. Someone tore the seat off of a handicapped commode the other day. The supply company sent you an extra toilet seat by accident. It just barely fits on your own porcelain throne, but what seems to be enough room to fit another pair of butt cheeks has you feeling like a king.
Industrial TP dispensers have a mechanism that allows you to load two giant rolls of TP so that, in theory, you've got a buffer before people start wiping with their hands and smearing the shit on the walls. Get to the end of a roll? just slide the lever over and BAM- you've got a whole 'nother round of tickets to the carnival of caca.
The backup roll- no one who uses the public shithouse need worry about asking for another roll.
This is a convenience for the guest who gets to take a shit- on the floor if he wants to- for free.
Ever since rumors began to circulate about another plumber in the company being fired for taking home half-spent rolls, no one's allowed to bring home even the tiniest bit of TP. Since then, stacks of all-but-spent rolls of tickets have been piling up in each facility. I vaguely recall the head office suggesting that we manually roll several-dozen lengths of old TP onto a single cardboard tube as a way to 'recycle'. It shouldn't of been surprising considering that it IS called the HEAD office after all.
Mr. Mierdo predicted this when he used his 'natural' fingerpaint to depict a bunch of circles with arrows pointing to one BIG circle. The other side of the stall depicted a giant anthropomorphic penis with a penis of its own. The effigy seemed to be forcing it's tertiary penis into a stick figure's mouth. An arrow pointed to the stick figure and the word "FAG" was smeared in big, angry, corn-speckled butt mud.
It wasn't until the prophet himself turned to me on my way out the door and said "YOU FAGGOT!" that I realized that this particular premonition was meant for me.
Colin slips Mr. Mierdo a fiver for "the usual" and they trade pants behind a dumpster and take turns farting in each other's faces.
You're a toilet cleaner and you're smelly and horny and you spend all day being intimate with the ugliest parts of the most attractive people. There's a fresh crate of shit tickets waiting to be checked in. You break open the box, drop your pants, and let loose a wet fart down the tube of each stack of TP. When I say wet fart, I'm talking about the sort of fart that would stain your drawers and maybe your pants. But who cares? The inside surface of the tube will never be seen by the bathroom bandits.
Like sticking pennies up your ass for confidence, this was a petty way to get one over on the bougie bastards and make them smell MY ass for a change.
It turned out that plenty of people working at the various gyms got bored enough to wind all the last bits of TP into one big roll. It actually amounted to having 2-3 emergency backup rolls at each facility. Of course, I blessed those rolls with flatus spiritus as well. Some of the lengths of paper even came out with specks of bunghole butter. One guy actually came to the front desk of one of the clubs holding shitty tissue with two tones of brown streaks on it and attempted to convince the manager that some kind of shit bandit was wiping with the TP and putting it back into the dispenser.
Some people just aren't right in the head.
you wake up in a toilet stall in the seediest gym of the route.
It takes me a moment to realize that I'm in the daycare bathroom. Just about every gym had a daycare built-in for moms looking to shed baby weight and shop for new dads for their kids. Each daycare room had its own set of shithouses. One would feature a full-sized toilet and a changing table (6 months was the minimum age to leave a kid in one of these menageries). The other commode was meant for kids who knew how to wipe their own asses (if but poorly) and featured a toilet that was straight out of Honey I Shrunk the Toilet.
The shithouse that I found myself in did not feature a changing table.
They say that the second fasted thing in the world is a butthole clenching shut following a substantial dump.
What's THE fastest thing in the world? Well, some call it Poseidon's Kiss, or Leviathan's lick, but what we're dealing with is simply an ice-cold drop of water mixed with piss that shoots up into your bunghole like Randy Quaid at the end of Independence Day.
You just ruined that movie for anyone who hasn't already seen it.
Fast-forward to break time. I'd taken to eating lunch on the toilet. My bean and cheese burrito dripped a bit from its rear-end onto the seat.
"Hey, do you have an extra roll by you?" A voice echoed from the stall next to me. "There's not TP in here! Both rolls are missing!"
That's odd. I always kept the dispensers topped-off. Maybe I forgot. Maybe someone was messing with me.
I obliged and used my keys to open the dispenser and slip the smaller of the two rolls under the divider.
Colin had gotten a hold of a TP key and had taken to stuffing his gym bag with the smaller of the two rolls any time he used the facilities. By now, hiding shit stains among re-rolled TP was a daily ritual.
You wake up behind the wheel of your van in the parking lot of your next appointment. You haven't taken the spent taco bell wrappers to the trash in about a week, despite having access to a dozen dumpsters containing things far more vile that the fast food wrappers that add to the pile of shame you already carry around along with replacement plumbing parts and boxes of TP and toilet seat covers.
I check my watch and see that I've got time, and gather up as many fast-food bags and wrappers and head to the dumpsters.
"Hey! Do you mind?!" the heap of trash in the dumpster seems to call back as I chuck bag after bag of half-eaten and watered-down fast food offerings.
This is how Colin and I met.
You wake up in the shithouse. Again. This time's it's the ladies room.
Colin's shit-caked shoes, held together with duct tape, are hovering an inch about the tile floor in the stall next to mine.
He drops a log into the swamp.
He drops another, then another.
A thunderous, stinky fart snaps me out of my fixation with the shit-caked shoes that haven't seemed to left a trail of footprints. That's odd.
"Hey, what time is it?"
"It's time to wipe your ass and light a match. Also, it's just a little bit after 4pm."
I had to know if Colin had raided the TP dispensers while I was sleeping one off.
If I could blackout and wake up on a different toilet, could I wake up with a different set of buttcheeks?
I asked if Colin needed any TP.
Colin chuckled and showed me a single square of TP from the gap underneath the divider. I watched as he gathered up the paper in the center of the sheet like we were about to fold a paper airplane. Instead, he tore the tip of the paper and unfurled it, sticking his middle finger through the center of the paper.
"Hold this for a moment." Colin handed me the bit of paper that had been torn from the center of the shit-ticket. "Sometimes, you have to wipe your ass with a single square of TP."
A shit-covered finger appeared near the bottom of the divider. The square of TP was like a ballerina's tutu with various shades of brown and red at the base of Colin's finger. In that moment, Colin gathered up the TP and wrung the poop from his finger.
Somehow, his finger was now immaculate- except for the crust under his fingernail.
"You still got that hole-punch of paper?" I passed it back under the divider and Colin used it to thoroughly clean under his fingernail.
I wiped my own ass, flushed, and headed out to wash my hands. From Colin's stall, it sounded like he was licking his fingers after eating a rack of BBQ ribs.
I pretended to wash my hands and clocked out for the day.
You wake up, and you have to shit. It's an emergency.
Somehow, you're still in the van in the parking lot of your last appointment.
Using one of the dozen or so keys on my jailer's keyring, I unlock the service door with shaky hand and sprint to the men's room. Letting loose a mudslide that no-doubt coated the underside of the seat, I let out a sigh of relief.
"For fuck's sake, light a match!"

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I'm rewriting FIGHT CLUB as FART CLUB. Am I a cool guy?

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